A Healthy Relationship with Competition

I was fortunate to leave my previous job on a high. The rings and things that accompanied winning were awesome. But what I missed most in the years that followed was being a worthy opponent.  Please let me explain.

Our society often mistakes competition with a love for winning.  Do you love to win or hate to lose?  This thought process is unhealthy.  It’s primal.  Win I live; lose I die.  I win, you lose. 

This dysfunctional relationship is on display in youth sports. I believe striving to win is critical- even at a young age. However, I challenge the conventional approach.

 For example, when failure occurs how often do we hear something like this:
“We lost, but WOW those referees were bad.” Or, “Why did the coach have HER playing shortstop? If she plays the right lineup we win?”

These comments, and thousands of other similar phrases, emphasize the importance of winning and not competing.  And we wonder why kids pout and make excuses when they fall short. 

Get used to taking an L:
As a kid, I loved hoops. At a certain age, I became pretty good compared to my friend group.  A few streets over, there was a hoop where the older kids played. I started playing in those games. I’d take my lumps, go home and practice. Eventually, I was able to hang and found stronger runs at the downtown YMCA.  Rinse and repeat…at first I failed, I upskilled, then stretched myself in a more competitive environment.  

If it was all about winning, I would have stayed on my street. But chasing victory alone isn’t what competing is about. 

In 2019, the best team in major league baseball lost 59 games …59! High performance requires being in spaces with the best of the best.  If you’re not getting your butt kicked from time to time my guess is you’re not in a big enough arena.

If we only want to win it can be done.  Here’s how: never take a risk.  Never put ourselves out there.  But if we want to be high-performers, if we want to play chess with the best, we must get a better relationship with losing. 

Learn to love a good fight:
Growing up, my dad and pap loved boxing.  There were some legendary rivalries: Thomas “Hitman” Hearns and “Marvelous” Marvin Hagler and later “Irish” Mickey Ward and Arturo Gatti come to mind.  After 12-15 rounds of intense fighting, with blood and sweat dripping, they would hug following the battle.  It would drive my mom nuts. “How can they hug each other after that?” Dad would say, “There’s only two people in the world that know what went into that fight…those two.  We all watch but the training and sacrifice – only those two KNOW.” 

Can you imagine the love you’d have for the person who brought the absolute best out of you?  The respect and admiration for putting up a great fight?  That feeling of being alive!!

Those fighters didn’t win them all.  The results varied; however, their relentless competitive spirit was always on display.   

Competition > Winning:
We can win in a lot of ways. Cheating. Gaming the system. Poor competition. Having a major advantage in resources. The opposition isn’t at their best for whatever reason: injuries, suspensions, or other circumstances.  There’s luck involved: a good bounce, a call that goes in our favor, or a freak play.  Results are often fickle.

Competition is finding your edges, sacrificing deeply, and learning about yourself.  It’s a test.  A snapshot in time. It’s the willingness to lay it all on the line knowing damn well you might fail. It’s acknowledging fear and choosing to display courage anyway.

“I Hate to Lose”
I golf twice a year. If I am ticked when I get whipped is that because I hate to lose?  I say no.  That is pouting. That’s entitlement- expecting a result without the investment. 

It’s easy to rationalize a crap attitude with, “he hates to lose.”  That phrase needs unpacking.  What’s his training like?  What has he sacrificed? How’s his approach to daily life?  Has he earned the right to be mad?”

An “L” forces a true competitor to evaluate their process, their behaviors, their commitment level.  If there is strong disappointment, deep reflection will likely reveal the anger is actually directed toward their approach.  Their hatred is KNOWING they didn’t give it their all, not losing. 

Conclusion:
Competition is different than winning.  What I missed was that feeling of exhaustion; putting everything into a performance against someone else who did the same.  It’s really hard to explain if you never felt it, but it’s exhilarating.  This fall, watch two quarterbacks when they meet at midfield. Watch the hockey hand shake line after two teams beat the tar out of each other for seven games.  Watch the conclusion of an NBA series where the veteran winner embraces the young star who fell short. 

To me, that’s competition. 


Reflection Questions:

  1. How’s your relationship with competition?
  2. After a performance, do you debrief the event?
  3. In reflection, can you think of a competitor that brought the best out of you?
  4. If you take a loss, how do you handle it? Are you guilty of blaming external factors?
  5. If you’re an athlete, would you rather play on the field where all the scouts are attending or the field with no scouts but the best players in your division?  
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Coaching From The Stands

*This article was originally written in July of 2019*

I was watching my 9 year-old son, Joey, play basketball.  His responsibility was to pass the ball to the player on the wing.  For most of the season, and for most of this particular game, Joey was able to accomplish this relatively simple task.  However, the opponent changed strategy.  They started guarding him much tighter and they began denying his entry pass.  This resulted in Joey forcing the pass which was either deflected or intercepted.

Joey likes to please. He’s going to do whatever the coach says, and his job was to throw the ball to the wing.  The situation changing didn’t register with him.

I was gritting my teeth in the stands.  I believed I could help him by giving instructions.  As I watched turnover after turnover I started to rationalize. 

“Giving a quick pointer will help the team.  It’s not even about my son, it will help them win.”

“He doesn’t need to struggle like this.  A quick correction will make the game much more enjoyable.”

“The coach will probably thank me.  He’s busy with a lot of other things.”

In my distorted mind, I began to believe giving Joey a tip would be helping not only him, but also the entire team.  I started visioning Joey blowing past his defender, drawing help, and dishing off to his teammate for an open layup.  We’d teach this other coach a thing or two about hoops.  After the layup, Joey would run down the court and point at me for the “assist.”  Heck, the coach may turn around and give me a fist bump as well. 
 
Why Coaching From the Stands is a Bad Idea
Being a sport parent can be challenging.  It’s not just youth games, you see it in collegiate games as well.  Parents, with good intentions, believe that coaching from the stands will be an asset. I can emphatically say it doesn’t help.  Here are a few reasons why:

  1.  It Creates Confusion: “Who should I listen to? Dad or the coach?”  “Do I disobey the coach or my mom?”  The child is put in a lose/lose situation having to decide which authority figure to disrespect.
  2. Anxiety is Heightened: If a child sees their parents pacing and shouting instructions they become anxious.  Even if they weren’t previously nervous, mom and dad’s mental state has been passed on to them.
  3. Devalues Authority: Not only does it create confusion, it actually encourages disrespecting authority.  “Listen to your coach, but only when it serves you.” Not to be dramatic, but this disrespect spills over to other positions of authority: teachers, principals, bosses, and the police.
  4. Benefits are Minimal: I’ve never seen it help, period.  In youth games, I’ve never witnessed a child take instruction from  dad and start having tremendous success.  In high school and beyond, I’ve seen athletes embarrassed by parents actions, but I’ve never seen positive results. 

As I watch my children play I have to remind myself it is their activity, not mine.  I’ve had my opportunity to play 10u basketball, now it’s my kids’ turn.  Unfortunately, this means I will have to watch them struggle.

Don’t we know the ability to struggle and overcome is a good thing?  However, when it comes to our own children it is difficult to let this process play out.

Food For Thought:

  • It is critical that game day is for the kids.  In fact, I’m a proponent of not attending every game.  I view the game as their test day to see what they have learned in practice.  As a parent, the time to work on skills and strategy is in between games, not during.
  • A lot of us have regrets from our own playing days or childhood.  It’s easy to think, “I’m not going to let my kids make the same mistakes as I did.”  While wanting better for our children is admirable, it can also turn into an obsession.  We start thinking about what we would have wanted, while forgetting our child is their own person possessing their own hopes and dreams.
  • It takes a village to raise a child.  When they have a coach, teacher or other type of mentor, let them do their job.  Sometimes these people will do things differently.  That is great.  Exposure to different personality types and thought processes is outstanding.  It will pay dividends in the long-run. 

Final Thought:
After the third turnover I decided to take a walk.  I couldn’t watch any longer without saying something.  I needed a “parent time-out.”

With 3:00 minutes left in halftime, I saw the coach talking to Joey.  Next, he brought over another player and started demonstrating how to set a ball screen.  Then they ran through a new play to counter the defense!

What a day for Joey!  He learned about failure.  He listened to authority and did what was asked of him.  He learned how to adjust and overcome obstacles.  He took coaching and instruction from someone besides his parents.  And, his team went on to win the game.  That is learning life lessons through sports!

Boy, I’m glad I took the walk and kept my mouth shut. 

Make it a great week,

Mike

P.S. A big shout out to all the youth coaches who volunteer their time.  Our kids have been extremely fortunate to have great coaches and role models.  Thank you!

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Doing What the Game Demands

One of my mentors, Clint Hurdle, shared his wisdom on a Zoom call with our baseball team. Clint has taken the “dirt road” in life.  His scars and his triumphs are earned.  When he speaks, you are on the edge of your seat because you know a gem is right around the corner.

At one point during the conversation we discussed facing an elite starting pitcher. When competing against an ace- Tom Seaver, Nolan Ryan, Bob Gibson, Greg Maddux- winning the game is a daunting task.  Clint said your only chance to defeat an upper echelon pitcher is to,  “do what the game demands.”

In baseball, this can mean several things. Here are a few examples:

  • The hitter gets two strikes early in the count, but he battles and drives the pitch count up.
  • It’s taking 3-1 when leading off an inning, increasing the odds of getting on base while simultaneously increasing the odds of striking out. 
  • With a runner on 2nd and nobody out, the hitter executes a sacrifice bunt or finds a way to move the runner to 3rd.
  • It’s fighting for 90 feet: reading a ball in the dirt, taking a HBP, drawing a walk.

Doing what the game demands isn’t sexy. It requires sacrifice. It requires doing things you may not want to do.  It requires doing things that the average fan doesn’t recognize and appreciate. Often times it may reflect poorly on your stats. 

And, doing what the game demands doesn’t guarantee you will get the outcome you desire.  However, failing to do what the game demands gives you no shot of success. 

Sports are packed with life lessons.  Couldn’t we simply say, “do what life demands?”  There are times where the odds are stacked against us (we are facing an ace) and we have to step up and do what’s required. 

  • Your spouse is asked to work longer hours and you have to do the lion’s share of work at home.
  • Your elderly parent needs to be taken to doctors appointments but you also have a plethora of other responsibilities.
  • You are short staffed at work and there are jobs that need to be completed outside of the job description. 

 And sometimes there are massive disruptions:

  • An unexpected death in the family
  • Loss of a job
  • Being forced to relocate 
  • A serious health concern

In these situations, much like facing an elite pitcher, we are forced to do what life demands.  Life demands that we sacrifice and pour ourselves into doing the right thing; not what is most comfortable and self-serving.    

In baseball, every team eventually runs into an ace. It’s inevitable.  In life, we will all face challenging circumstances- that’s inevitable too.  Facing a dominant pitcher reveals the character of the team.  Will they fight? Will they compete?  Facing challenging times in life reveals character as well. Will we stand up? Will we do what’s necessary?

When the Phillies are facing the Met’s Jake deGrom (arguably the best pitcher in baseball) they can’t cancel the game.  They have to figure out what the game demands and execute.

When adversity strikes in life, we can’t quit.  We have to step up for those we love. 

2020 is like facing an ace.  Let’s take the challenge to do what life demands.

Mike

Reflection Question: What is life demanding of you right now?

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USWNT, Super Bowl Champs, and the Sigmoid Curve

“Mountaintops are small and the air is thin for a reason.  Because you are not supposed to dwell- it’s rented space.  You enjoy the view briefly then it’s time to climb again”- Jill Ellis

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are the Super Bowl champions.  After watching Jill Ellis’ episode from the Netflix documentary, “The Playbook,” and learning the about the Sigmoid Curve, I’m curious how the champs will handle their success. 

Jill Ellis led the USWNT to the World Cup in 2015.  It was her first full year on the job.  The players and fans equally loved her. According to her, “We were feeling pretty good about ourselves.” 

Following the historic run, she had to rally the group to prepare for the 2016 Olympics.  Despite her best efforts, the team struggled.  They lost on penalty kicks to Sweden in the quarterfinals.  It was the first time the USWNT failed to make it to the Olympic semifinals. Ellis called it a “massive wake-up call.” 

Following the games, Ellis decided change was necessary.  She had the awareness to realize that Sweden developed a blueprint for how to play the US. “We needed a hard reboot.” She made the difficult decision to find new players and remove others.  In addition, she knew they would have to schedule the best competition in the world in order to improve.    

Not surprisingly, the team struggled.  The USWNT was used to winning.  Now, they were losing, which amplified the negativity around Ellis’ tough decisions. In her heart, she knew she was doing the right thing.  Eventually, the team came together.  In 2019, they won the World Cup again. 

The Sigmoid Curve is when we are at the top of our game it’s time to change our game.  It’s counterintuitive. Coach Ellis made moves coming off a World Cup championship.  She made controversial decisions when it would have been easier to stay the same.  It came with criticism.  However, I don’t think they win back-back- cups without changing the game. 

It’s much easier to be the hunter than the hunted.  While the champions are celebrating, the competition is studying, preparing and training for the next season.  To stay on top is a real challenge. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the Super Bowl champs.  They’ve earned the right to admire the view. The trail was rocky and the weather was harsh.  To get to the pinnacle and not witness its beauty would be disrespectful.    

The question for me is when is it time to come down?  Some people need just a quick peak and they are ready to return.  Others may need to drink it in a little longer.  There’s no exact formula.  However, we must remember, the air is thin at the top for a reason. 

Just like most of the things I write about, I don’t have the answers.  This is just a reminder for me, and hopefully you as well.  It’s important to celebrate our success.  But not for too long. 

Questions to Consider:

What’s your default? Staying on top of the mountain for too long? Or, do you have a tendency to never take in the view? 

How can you encourage your team to celebrate their success while also realizing there still tough work ahead? 

Is it possible to enjoy your climb even if you don’t reach the summit?  Is it more about the destination or the journey?

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Recovery: A Major Key to High Performance

“The gap between your best and worst performances are narrower than everyone else’s” Damian Hughes defining high performance.

I used to admire talent. Incredibly smart people. Folks gifted with speed and jumping ability. Or those that were naturally strong. 

Now, I’ve come to view high performance as consistency. High Performance is the slow play; it’s long term. It’s the ability to show up for your love ones and colleagues day in and day out.   

Talent is overrated. The ability to be pretty darn good every day is what I value most.

I’m ashamed. I never thought much of sleep, nutrition, and self-care. I thought they were tools of excuse makers. Work hard, play hard was the motto.

Sacrifice and a relentless work ethic are prerequisites for high performance. Rarely will you witness a lazy and incompetent person in those spaces. With the arena filled with hard workers, the advantage lies in recovery. 

A big misconception is that recovery is simply rest. In the majority of cases, recovery is active. This is a process that is frequently challenging and uncomfortable.   

Lebron James’ Recovery
To help illustrate the rigor of recovery, Business Insider wrote a story documenting Lebron James’ 48 hours between NBA finals games in 2015. Here are some highlights:

  • Immediately following the game he drinks, “a carefully prepared combination of water and carbohydrate-rich recovery fluids.”
  • Next, he takes an ice bath which he describes as “borderline torture.”
  • On the flight: He continues drinking fluids.
  • He has a “carefully planned meal of high-quality protein and carbs to flush the toxins and lactic acid to jump start the healing process.”
  • Still on the plane he receives electro-stimulation to keep his muscles contracting. 
  • After landing at 6:30a, he heads home for sleep.
  • By 1pm he’s back at the training facility to ride the stationary bike and begin contrasting hot and cold baths.
  • He then heads back home and meets with his trainer and they do treatment, massage and rehab lasting four hours. 
  • Here is a link to the full article:   Lebron’s Recovery

Sure, Lebron has amazing genetic gifts. He is speed and power personified. However, his most amazing accomplishment has been his sustained excellence. To be a tip of the arrow performer in any profession, let alone the NBA, for nearly 20 years isn’t accomplished with genetics alone. I believe his commitment to the recovery process has been his ultimate ninja skill. 

This article isn’t about Lebron James. If you really want to nerd out, study a MLB pitcher’s recovery process following a start. Game day is easy, it’s the other four or five days in between outings where the magic occurs. The same discipline is found in any major sport. Everyone is working ridiculously hard; the competitive advantage is how effectively they recover. 

Dispelling Myths
It is easy to minimize the professional athletes example with: “I don’t have the money, time or resources to do that.” While there is merit to that rebuttal, I believe we all have the ability to be more intentional. It’s also possible to point to legendary athletes and executives of the past who abused their bodies and still achieved amazing success. The likes of Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle come to mind. For their immense talent, there’s little argument that both men would have been more consistent, over a longer time span, if they would have taken recovery more seriously. 

How Can We Apply Recovery?
I understand that the majority of people in this community are not elite athletes. However, recovery is critical in everyday life: 

  • You leave work exhausted: how do you recover for the next day?
  • A complex team assignment was completed: how do you recover so you are prepared for the next challenge?
  • You complete a hard workout: how do you recover to ensure you remain active instead of sedentary for the next several days?

Recovery For Parents
For Lowrie and I the moment we wake up it’s on! We have four kids to get ready for school. We both work. Then there is preparing meals, getting kids to activities, showers and bed. It is easy to get swept away in the hard work and fail to recover. We often feel selfish to work out, eat healthy, and sleep. Can you relate?

Parenting is a grind. Recovering allows us to bring our best self to each other, our kids, and others.

Conclusion
To live a high performance lifestyle we have to be different. That means not just focusing on hard work, but instead being intentional with recovery as well. 

Let’s narrow the gap between our best and worst self this week! 

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What to Do When Adversity Strikes

We learn so much about ourselves in times of adversity. Fortunately for us, the cameras were rolling last weekend giving us a glimpse of how champions respond to a setback.

With the Kansas City Chiefs trailing 3-0 to the Buffalo Bills, second year player, Mecole Hardman, fumbled a punt. He was distraught as the Bills went on to score making the score 9-0.

Here’s where it gets special. You see and hear star player, Patrick Mahomes, grab the young player’s attention. “We are good. You’re going to make a play for us.” Then he starts rallying the team saying “Be us! We’ve been here before.”

The next series, Hardman makes a “splash” play on an end around. He follows it up with a wide receiver screen for a touchdown.
Here’s my favorite part. After the score, All-Pro tight end, Travis Kelce smacks Hardman’s hand and says, “That’s how you handle adversity. You smack it right in the mouth!”

I don’t know much, but the one thing I do know is that adversity is a part of life. No one is immune to it. Whoever it is that you admire, I can promise you that there have been obstacles along the way.

Since adversity is a part of the game, how we choose to handle it is the difference maker.

The Chiefs gave us a Master’s class in handling a challenge. That’s what champions do.

This week, when the life’s inevitable challenges present themselves let’s respond like champions. While others complain, let’s choose to “smack it in the mouth.”

Sideline Exchange

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