A Healthy Relationship with Competition

I was fortunate to leave my previous job on a high. The rings and things that accompanied winning were awesome. But what I missed most in the years that followed was being a worthy opponent.  Please let me explain.

Our society often mistakes competition with a love for winning.  Do you love to win or hate to lose?  This thought process is unhealthy.  It’s primal.  Win I live; lose I die.  I win, you lose. 

This dysfunctional relationship is on display in youth sports. I believe striving to win is critical- even at a young age. However, I challenge the conventional approach.

 For example, when failure occurs how often do we hear something like this:
“We lost, but WOW those referees were bad.” Or, “Why did the coach have HER playing shortstop? If she plays the right lineup we win?”

These comments, and thousands of other similar phrases, emphasize the importance of winning and not competing.  And we wonder why kids pout and make excuses when they fall short. 

Get used to taking an L:
As a kid, I loved hoops. At a certain age, I became pretty good compared to my friend group.  A few streets over, there was a hoop where the older kids played. I started playing in those games. I’d take my lumps, go home and practice. Eventually, I was able to hang and found stronger runs at the downtown YMCA.  Rinse and repeat…at first I failed, I upskilled, then stretched myself in a more competitive environment.  

If it was all about winning, I would have stayed on my street. But chasing victory alone isn’t what competing is about. 

In 2019, the best team in major league baseball lost 59 games …59! High performance requires being in spaces with the best of the best.  If you’re not getting your butt kicked from time to time my guess is you’re not in a big enough arena.

If we only want to win it can be done.  Here’s how: never take a risk.  Never put ourselves out there.  But if we want to be high-performers, if we want to play chess with the best, we must get a better relationship with losing. 

Learn to love a good fight:
Growing up, my dad and pap loved boxing.  There were some legendary rivalries: Thomas “Hitman” Hearns and “Marvelous” Marvin Hagler and later “Irish” Mickey Ward and Arturo Gatti come to mind.  After 12-15 rounds of intense fighting, with blood and sweat dripping, they would hug following the battle.  It would drive my mom nuts. “How can they hug each other after that?” Dad would say, “There’s only two people in the world that know what went into that fight…those two.  We all watch but the training and sacrifice – only those two KNOW.” 

Can you imagine the love you’d have for the person who brought the absolute best out of you?  The respect and admiration for putting up a great fight?  That feeling of being alive!!

Those fighters didn’t win them all.  The results varied; however, their relentless competitive spirit was always on display.   

Competition > Winning:
We can win in a lot of ways. Cheating. Gaming the system. Poor competition. Having a major advantage in resources. The opposition isn’t at their best for whatever reason: injuries, suspensions, or other circumstances.  There’s luck involved: a good bounce, a call that goes in our favor, or a freak play.  Results are often fickle.

Competition is finding your edges, sacrificing deeply, and learning about yourself.  It’s a test.  A snapshot in time. It’s the willingness to lay it all on the line knowing damn well you might fail. It’s acknowledging fear and choosing to display courage anyway.

“I Hate to Lose”
I golf twice a year. If I am ticked when I get whipped is that because I hate to lose?  I say no.  That is pouting. That’s entitlement- expecting a result without the investment. 

It’s easy to rationalize a crap attitude with, “he hates to lose.”  That phrase needs unpacking.  What’s his training like?  What has he sacrificed? How’s his approach to daily life?  Has he earned the right to be mad?”

An “L” forces a true competitor to evaluate their process, their behaviors, their commitment level.  If there is strong disappointment, deep reflection will likely reveal the anger is actually directed toward their approach.  Their hatred is KNOWING they didn’t give it their all, not losing. 

Conclusion:
Competition is different than winning.  What I missed was that feeling of exhaustion; putting everything into a performance against someone else who did the same.  It’s really hard to explain if you never felt it, but it’s exhilarating.  This fall, watch two quarterbacks when they meet at midfield. Watch the hockey hand shake line after two teams beat the tar out of each other for seven games.  Watch the conclusion of an NBA series where the veteran winner embraces the young star who fell short. 

To me, that’s competition. 


Reflection Questions:

1. How’s your relationship with competition?
2. After a performance, do you debrief the event?
3. In reflection, can you think of a competitor that brought the best out of you?
4. If you take a loss, how do you handle it? Are you guilty of blaming external factors?
5. If you’re an athlete, would you rather play on the field where all the scouts are attending or the field with no scouts but the best players in your division?