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Finding Your Why

In 2014, Pittsburgh Panther running back, James Conner, was on top of the world.  At the conclusion of the season he was named the Atlantic Coast Conference (ACC) Offensive Player of the Year. James had his mind set on having an even better 2015 season that would position him to enter the NFL draft in the spring.

On the eighth play of the 2015 season Conner went down with a torn medial collateral ligament (MCL).  While rehabbing the season ending injury, Conner was experiencing fatigue and other odd symptoms.  After being encouraged by his family, coaches and friends Conner visited the doctor where he was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma.  Cancer.

Because of his high visibility, Conner was given the option to have a private room during his treatments.  He chose not to, “Cancer don’t care if you are black or white.  It comes and it comes hard.  I’m no better than anyone else.”

Conner became an inspiration to hundreds and thousands of people going through treatment.  Videos began to surface of him performing workouts with his teammates after his chemotherapy treatments.  In 2016, he was awarded the “Disney Spirit Award” which is given to college football’s most inspirational individual or team.

James Conner was always driven.  His drive allowed him to achieve incredible results on the gridiron.  Following the ’14 season his focus was on developing into an elite NFL prospect.  After his battle with cancer, Conner discovered his true why – “I play football for somebody who can’t.” Watch James Conner describe his “Why” (1:58)

The Story of My Why:

At the American Baseball Coaches Association in 2007, I listened as sports executive and motivational speaker, Pat Williams, discussed the importance of reading and life-long learning.  He made a statement that if you read one book a week for 10 years you’ll have read over 5,000 books.  I was already an avid reader but his words took me to another level.  Reading was now a competitive advantage that I could use to make me a better coach.  Unexpectedly, this led me to my why.

I am on the journey of discovering my best self.  Equally as important, I want others to join me in this pursuit.  For years, I believed success was an either/or type of thing.  For example, you are either a successful coach OR a good husband and father.  I now realize success and happiness are not mutually exclusive. Why can’t we be healthy, fit and happy at the same time that we are thriving at work?  Why can’t we have a deep meaningful relationship with our spouse and still maintain strong connections with our friends?

For me, it starts at home.  I want nothing more than for my wife and kids to find something that gets them fired up for their future.  Next, it moves to the players and coaches in our baseball program.  From there, it extends to the people I connect with via the newsletter and coaching seminars.  Nothing fills me with joy more than seeing those I’m close with get on their path to greatness.  It is easy to see when someone has found their sweet spot.  It’s no longer work, they are on a mission to serve.

In my heart, I know that we are all put on this Earth to make a difference; to live a life of deep meaning.  If we are bold enough to chase our dreams, we will be met with adversity and resistance along the way.  When challenges arise, and they always do, we must be equipped with the tools to fight. Your why will push you, drag you, through those times.  Without a why it is easier to give in and eventually give up.

I wish I could say it was easy, but it’s not.  It’s critical to have a powerful why because the path is littered with obstacles.  As we inch closer to our goals and dreams it becomes tougher and tougher. We need a guiding force, a strong and powerful why that keeps us moving forward. Without the why, it is easy to retreat and surrender to the pressure and sacrifice that accompanies high achievement.

Conclusion:

Following his battle with cancer, James Conner was drafted in third round of the 2017 NFL draft by the Pittsburgh Steelers.  He is currently the top running back on the depth chart (disclaimer: top running back, Le’Veon Bell, is holding out in a contract dispute).  He has gone against the odds and has become a professional football player.  I wouldn’t bet against that young man, his why is too strong. Every time I see him carry the football I think, “He’s running for all those people who can’t!”

Think of a time you were really down or facing strong adversity. Ask yourself, deep down, why did I push through? Why didn’t I succumb to the fear? How did I find the strength to charge forward when everything was telling me to stop? That might just be where you find your why…

Make it a great week,

Mike

Watch this great Ted Talk on why business leaders need to start with the “WHY” (5:00)

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Facing Reality: Not for the Weak

 

Facing Reality: Not for the Weak

I am convinced one of the biggest competitive advantages lies in an individual’s or organization’s ability to face reality.  The best athletes, leaders, teams and businesses can analyze a situation accurately.  To help best demonstrate the idea of facing reality here is a sports scenario:

Sports Application:
Three baseball players are off competing in the summer.  Let’s pretend the athletes finish with the same statistics:

Batting
Average		 On-Base
Percentage		 Slugging
Percentage
.210 .290 .380

For those of you not familiar, these are less than impressive numbers.  It’s not uncommon for athletes to struggle in their career; in fact, nearly every performer struggles at some point.  As a coach, I’m not as concerned with the poor performance, my interest is how they process the situation.  There are three potential responses.  The first two are the most common, while the third response is optimal.

Common Response: Being Overly Positive
Player 1 is wearing rose-colored glasses.  When asked how the summer went he says, “It was awesome.  I played great.  The numbers weren’t there but I had a TON of bad luck.  I felt good.  I really felt like I should have been an all-star.  The coaching staff didn’t use me right.  There’s no doubt I was the best player on the team.”

A very common response is seeing things better than they really are. This is a defense mechanism used to avoid the reality that major improvement is necessary. If they admit any failure, it’s due to external forces (bad fields, coaches, and other circumstances). It’s really tough to improve from this position. Usually this person has major self-image issues and they are masking it by being overly confident and positive. It’s tough to improve if the person is unwilling to admit there is a problem.

Common Response: Being Overly Negative
Player 2 walks in with his head down and shoulders slumped. “I stink. The other players were so much better. I don’t know if I’ll ever hit again. I’m the worse player on the planet.”

Player 2’s response to adversity is the polar opposite of Player 1; however, it is equally ineffective. This person often defends their negative mindset by saying they are a “perfectionist” or worse, a “realist.” Or, they will say they want it “so bad.” In actuality, this is extreme immaturity. This line of thinking suppresses growth and development.

The Optimal Response
Player 3 is not pleased with his performance. When discussing the summer, he admits his struggles but from a non-judgmental space. He understands he needs to make adjustments and improve. “Man, I just couldn’t get it going this summer” he says with a slight smile. “The competition was really good but I can play at this level. Now I know what it takes. I can’t wait to start working.”

Acknowledging the situation for what it really is and being confident that the future will be better is the optimal response to adversity. Taking ownership of the result while preparing for growth and improvement provides an athlete with the best chance of reaching their peak performance.

Leadership Application:
Having the courage to face reality is a huge competitive advantage. Most leaders and organizations are extremely resistant. Facing reality is uncomfortable; it’s not easy to receive feedback. That’s why the most effective leaders I know are honest. They embrace the fact that they are not perfect, nor is the culture of their organization.

Below is an email from an executive I am working with to members of his team. He leads a highly successful division in a mid-size company. What impresses me most is his courage to welcome feedback in order to best serve.

“I think you have a sense of how much I value what you do and how you are as people and co-workers. My goal is to continually get better and I always want your ideas on how we can improve as a team and how I can improve. Please answer these questions (by individual reply) with brutal honesty to help me grow:

1. Describe a time when I eroded your trust in me.
2. Rank (1-10) how much you believe I care about (a) you as a person and (b) your overall happiness (not just in the workplace).
3. Describe whether you’d prefer more or less feedback/direction.
4. Describe any roadblocks that are keeping you from performing at your highest level.
5. Describe how I can support you to remove or overcome these roadblocks.
6. Describe a time when you made a suggestion and believe I dismissed it without giving it the consideration it deserved.
7. Add anything else that you believe can help me be a better leader.

Facing reality with brutally honest feedback is the only way to continually improve. It’s not easy for the person providing the feedback or the recipient. I want you to be confident that nothing you submit will affect our relationship whatsoever. I look forward to your (brutal) responses.

Thanks for helping me improve!!”

 

Final Thoughts:
Facing reality is not easy. In fact, most people and organizations are unwilling to do the hard work necessary. What’s worse is when the leaders think they know the answers to all these questions. This is a big opportunity for those of us willing to get uncomfortable. Every person, leader and organization has problems and issues. We have to first ask the right questions to clearly understand the issues. This is the only way we can handle these issues head on, otherwise, we allow them to grow in the dark. If we truly want to improve and pursue peak performance, it’s imperative that we take the blinders off and accurately assess our reality.

This Week’s Challenge:
Choose one of these three questions this week and ask your employees or players:

  1. What is your description of the organizational/team culture?
  2. Which one of your teammates or co-workers is doing a fantastic job that should be recognized?
  3. What roadblocks are you facing and how can leadership support you to remove those roadblocks?

Join me this week in having the courage to face reality.

– Mike

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Run Your Own Race

In 1997 two McDonald’s All-Americans stepped on Dukes’ campus.  Shane Battier, was named the high school player of the year out of Detroit Country Day in Michigan.  The other player was reigning Mr. Basketball of New York, Elton Brand.  Both players eventually became National Players of the Year.  Their paths to achievement, however, were quite different.

Elton Brand was an immediate impact player.  Below are his statistics.

 

Elton Brand Team Record Points Rebounds Assists
1997-‘98 32-4 13.4 7.3 0.5
1998-‘99 37-2 17.7 9.8 1.1

 

Following the 1998-’99 seasons Elton Brand was the National Player of the Year.  He declared himself eligible for the NBA draft.  He was the number one pick overall by the Chicago Bulls.

Shane Battier had a different path.  The more accomplished high school player didn’t find immediate success. Here are his first two seasons.

 

Shane Battier Team Record Points Rebounds Assists
1997-‘98 32-4 7.6 6.4 1.1
1998-‘99 37-2 9.1 4.9 1.5

Battier stayed at Duke for his junior and senior years.  His production greatly increased.  His senior concluded with being named National Player of the Year.  In addition, the Blue Devils were crowned National Champs.  Following the season, Battier was selected 6th overall in the NBA draft by the Miami Heat.

 

“Run Your Own Race”

Every year, Mike Krzyzewski, has the tough challenge of trying to get elite talent to work together toward team goals.  Managing egos is a big part of his job.  Athletes with elite talent and pedigree are accustomed to being the star.  When they are surrounded by other stars they are often forced to take a lesser role.  Also making this challenging is they observe other players excelling while they are struggling.  To help combat the mental strain that often accompanies internal competition Coach K educates his athletes to “run their own race.”

“We tell each player that comes in each of you run your own race, and collectively we run a team race.  If Shane Battier was running Elton Brand’s race he would have been disappointed.  Kids come along different: some faster than stop.  Some slower then fast; some fast and never stop.  Don’t gauge yourself on how someone else is doing.  Gauge yourself on how you are doing.”- Coach Mike Krzyzewski

Inner Space vs. Outer Space

I strongly encourage you to run your own race. If you haven’t figured it out yet, there will be things you can control and things you cannot; there will be an inner space and outer space.  Your inner space consists of your effort, attitude, work-ethic, coach-ability; things within your control.  Outer space, on the other hand, are things out of your control: playing time; what others are saying; friends and family; etc. If you choose to focus on the outer space, you are running the wrong race.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen a first-year athlete step on campus and have a ton of success.  Someone in their same class, for whatever reason, doesn’t have the same positive experience in that first year.  Oftentimes it’s simply situational: the team has a need in the post; therefore, the 6’8 player gets an opportunity and the 5’10 guard doesn’t.  Sometimes it’s physical and mental maturity.  Other times, the coaching staff makes a mistake.  Regardless of the reason, it doesn’t matter.  The examples I listed are outer space items.  They are not within the athlete’s control.  Focusing, or obsessing, upon things that cannot be controlled are the demise of an athlete’s career.

Over time, the cream rises to the top.  The freshman who has a ton of success in year one isn’t guaranteed the same success in subsequent years.  In fact, it’s common for the person who finds instant success to get passed by players who had lesser roles earlier in their careers.  The sooner the athlete realizes to focus on their inner space, things directly in their control, the more full-filling career they will experience.

Final Comparison:

Elton Brand finished his 17 year NBA Career in 2015-2016.  During that time, he earned $169,229,324.  He had an amazing career averaging 15.9ppg and 8.5 rebounds.  He never won an NCAA or NBA Championship.

Shane Battier, retired after 13 seasons following the 2013-2014 season.  His career earnings were $56,569,622.  He averaged 8.6ppg and 4.2 rebounds while capturing an NCAA championship in 2001 and an NBA Championship in 2012.

Should Battier look at his career as a failure? He ONLY made 56 million in his career.  Also, his stat line wasn’t nearly as impressive as Brand’s.  What about Brand? Yes, he made a ton of money and had great statistics but he never won a championship.  Aren’t great athletes remembered by rings?

“Comparison is the Thief of Joy”

Do you see how silly this sounds?  Both men had amazing careers.  Think about how often we get caught up in needless comparisons.  “They live in a nicer neighborhood.”  “Our kids are better behaved.”  “Did you see where they vacationed?”

Why are we so worried about what others are doing?  We spend an extraordinary amount of time comparing ourselves to others.  This mindset limits us in many ways; it robs us of happiness.

This week, let’s make a commitment to run our own race.  Focus on your inner space and not your outer space.

 

Mike

To watch Coach K describe “Running Your Own Race” watch this video from “What Drives Winning.”

“How to Stop Comparing and Start Competing”

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Dominate Your Current Role

The author and speaker, Tim Ferris, asks his podcast guests: “If you could write a word or a phrase on a billboard what would it be?”  One of my messages would be, “Dominate your Current Role.”  Many people have a negative attitude toward “small” and “unimportant” jobs.  This flawed mindset leads to missed opportunities.

Filling Water Bottles:

My first coaching job was an assistant baseball/assistant cross country coach.  I knew very little about cross country other than running that far and that often was not something I would ever want to do.  One of my jobs was filling the water bottles.   “Why do I have to do this?  This is stupid.”  I had many negative thoughts initially; however, I quickly shifted my perspective.  I took pride in my work realizing that hydration was critical.  I paid attention to the amount of ice I put into each bottle.  I made sure the Gatorade logo was “faced” properly in the water carrier (a lesson I learned stocking shelves at Coke).  While not glamorous, this was my role and I wanted to dominate it.

Over time, my role expanded.  I never became an expert on the science of training elite runners; however, I was able to impart strategies on team building and competition.  The head coach and I began discussing race strategy and I took a more active role in team meetings.  I earned the increased responsibilities because of my positive attitude toward the mundane task of filling water bottles.

Sports Application:

As a coach, I see it all the time.  An athlete is disappointed in their playing time or role.  This athlete has a powerful choice: either pout and complain or figure out a way to crush their current role.  Unfortunately, it’s common for people to think that a poor attitude will lead to more opportunities.  In successful teams and organizations this approach will get you buried and eventually removed from the program.

It takes guts and fortitude, but the athletes that make it out of the pile are the ones who are willing to keep pushing.  They are not playing in varsity games, but they treat pre-game activities like it’s their game.  During intra-squads they are flying around and doing everything they can to push the starters and win the competition.  While not content, they CHOOSE to face the situation as a challenge and they attack it with an “A” attitude.  They are relentless in their preparation because they have faith their number will be called, and when that time comes, they will be ready.

Business Application:

I work with 18-22 year olds.  It is interesting to hear their perspectives on internships and new jobs.  Not always, but frequently, they are disappointed in the early responsibilities and tasks. Getting coffee, proof reading the report, answering phones or emails are not what they envisioned. Most people miss a tremendous opportunity to demonstrate a positive attitude, competence, and a team first mindset by approaching these task halfheartedly.  I often ask, “how can they trust you with bigger roles when they can’t trust you with the smaller jobs?”

In business, just like sports, new employees have a choice: pout or figure out a way to stand out.  People notice when someone is working hard and trying to add value to an organization.  It doesn’t have to be a high profile assignment.  Sometimes it’s easier to make a positive impression during the “low burn” jobs.

A Note to Leaders:

It’s become quite popular to bash the younger generations.  The term “Millennial” has become derogatory.  There are many stereotypes that accompany the younger generation, one being that they don’t want to do the “grunt work.”  When are we going to stop blaming the generation and start demanding better leadership?  What if we took a different approach and became extremely intentional about acknowledging “lower-profile” jobs and tasks? What if we clearly articulated the importance of the job and explained the opportunity for growth within the organization?

Most of our time and attention goes to the “star” performers.  While the “A-players” need recognition, it is a better investment to spend time with those who are underappreciated.  The freshmen shortstop who is batting third is just fine; it’s the freshmen that is grinding and not seeing the results that needs us the most.  Celebrate and praise those individuals and groups who are doing thankless jobs with a plus attitude; the ones who raise the energy level just by stepping in a room.  Those are the future stars.

There are plenty of young athletes and workers who are special.  These gifted people will make a big impact on any organization.  We just have to look at the problem differently and ask better questions as to how we can best serve them.  It’s our obligation to help them dominate their current role!

Make it an Awesome Week,

Mike

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Standing on the Shoulders of Those Before Us

Recently, I was speaking at an event.  During the presentation, I discussed the importance of creating clarity. The example I used was our baseball program’s five and ten-year plan.  Following the discussion one man asked, “How do you get young people to buy into a vision ten years out when they won’t even be there?”

A Program vs. A Team:

This past season, our baseball program had one of the most successful years in school history.  The team set the record for most wins and made the program’s first appearance in the NCAA tournament.  What made me most proud was the reaction of our former players, parents and staff.  It was their hard work, sacrifice and dedication that allowed the 2018 club to have success.  It was proof that we created a strong program.

A team is together for a year.  The members of a team have a goal that they are trying to accomplish during a particular season.  Being a part of a team is great; however, the most special thing for any athlete or coach is to a be a part of a program.  When you are a member of a program, time doesn’t matter. Roles will likely change, but the individuals continue to care deeply about the program long after their playing days.  This is not the case for those just involved with a team. When a team member’s service time concludes, they move on.  In fact, former team members are frequently jealous of the groups that follow.  They silently hope for failure.  Members of a program understand the journey of the present team.  They empathize with the struggle, they offer support, and they celebrate accomplishments.  They are the present team’s biggest cheerleader.

A Team is bound by time.

A Program is timeless.

A Team can be selfish.

A Program is selfless.

Standing on the Shoulders of Those Before Us:

In our locker room is an aerial picture of our baseball field.  The field is empty, manicured perfectly, and the lights are on.  We added the names of the past players in our program to the picture with a headline stating, “Standing on the Shoulders of Those Before Us.”  It’s our way of honoring the past players and teams. In our minds, the names listed are legends.  They each have a story that greatly impacts our current situation.  Any accomplishments we achieve are directly related to the effort of our past groups.  Every year, before our players move into the locker room, I bring them in small groups and discuss the poster.  I’m sure some of the guys roll their eyes as I explain the importance of the previous teams and players.  That is o.k.  I want them to know they are a part of a program and not just a team.

Action Step:

Have you thought recently about those people who allowed you to flourish?  Did your parents work thankless jobs in order for you to have opportunities?  Was there a teacher or coach that believed in you at a critical time in your life?  Maybe there was a colleague that for some reason took the time to mentor you.  Is it possible that the current success you are having is in large part to someone else’s prior effort?

My hope is this week you will take a few moments each day and reflect upon those special people who have allowed you to “stand on their shoulders.”  Better yet, reach out and connect with someone who made a big impact on your life.  Why wait?  Pick up the phone, write an email or a handwritten letter (Read The Power of the Handwritten Note).  We should intentionally thank those special people that have guided us along our path.

A Word of Encouragement:

“Society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they will never see.” James Kerr Legacy

For those of us who are working and striving and may not be seeing the present results have you thought that maybe we are paving the road for someone else?  Maybe our job is to do the hard work in order for someone else to flourish.  There is a ton of honor in this.  I may never become a world class coach, author, or speaker.  But my commitment may allow someone close to me to reach their goals.  My motivation is no longer about myself.  It is to make life’s journey better for those I love.

Final Thought:

To the man in the audience who asked, “How do you get kids to buy into a vision when they won’t even be there:” well, unless you have been a part of a program I’m not sure you’d understand.  Everyone plays a role in a program.  It’s special.  And, if you’ve only been a part of a team, you will never truly “get it.”

Please share with me the person or persons whose “shoulders you are standing on.”  Also, I’d love to hear about how your correspondence went with someone who has impacted you.  Don’t wait.  Take the time to show appreciation and gratitude.  You’ll make someone’s day; you’ll also make yours.

Mike

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The Mental Toughness Challenge

The term, Mental Toughness, is talked about frequently.  In the coaching world, we tend to make quick judgements on our athletes’ mental toughness.  When players don’t perform well in so called big moments, they are often labeled as mentally weak.  Before slapping a permanent tag on athletes (and people in general) it is important to first define the characteristics of the mentally tough.

 

Three Characteristics

  1. Courage: Sports and life tend to favor the bold.  The doers.  The ones who will take a challenge.  The ones who are not afraid of failure, or at least if they are afraid, they decide to dance anyway.  It takes courage to overcome obstacles and persist.  The pursuit of excellence is filled with challenges.  Being uncomfortable and experiencing pain is a possibility; however, the courageous know pain is an impetus for change and being uncomfortable is a stimulus for growth.  Courage is a prerequisite for elite performance.  Courage allows you to be in the amphitheater.
  2. Optimism:  Is an act of faith, a belief in something that can’t be proven.  Optimism is what keeps us going when conditions are tough and the outcome appears bleak.  Folks with a pessimistic outlook will generalize these road blocks in a negative way.  “Why me?” “I can never overcome this.” A person with optimism acknowledges the set-back back but charges on knowing she can positively impact the future.
  3. Confidence: The closer we inch toward the pinnacle of our profession the more challenging it becomes to maintain a positive self-image.  It’s important to remember that it is our job to construct our self-image and we control our confidence level.  High achievers rarely feel “at-their best.”  Instead, they draw on their mental skills to win with what they have.  Ken Ravizza, who recently passed away, said it best, “Are you that bad of an athlete that you have to feel great to perform well?”

 

Nearly everyone would agree that mental toughness is critical.  We’d also likely agree that the three traits mentioned above: courage, optimism and confidence are admirable.  The interesting thing is we do very little to enhance these virtues.  Most of us assume these are genetic gifts; that we are born with courage, optimism and confidence.  Sure, there are those who may have a certain genetic coding that helps them along the way.  I, however, believe that if we are intentional we can sharpen our mental performance much like we can improve our physical skills.

 

Internal Resume:

What if we became intentional about sharpening our mental skills? What if we sought out ways to train and measure?  When we attempt to improve physically we test and measure.  Why don’t we do the same thing with our mental skills.

 

This Week’s Challenge:

First, decide the virtues you would like to either gain or improve upon.  Next, find a way to quantify.  For example: to increase your courage do one thing completely out of your comfort zone.  By doing, and not sitting on the sideline, you will be strengthening your courage muscle.  For confidence listen intently to your self-talk and the stories you tell yourself. Are you speaking greatness, or are you using a demeaning voice that kills your self-image?  Be aware of situations in your life where you can choose a positive or negative approach.  Choose the high road and envision the successful outcome.  Finally, journal your findings.  Putting pen to paper will enhance this exercise greatly.

 

Final Thought:

Please don’t sit on the sideline and expect your “mental toughness” to improve.  Get in the game and find ways to enhance these critical skills.  Also, by being in the arena trying to improve we will make those we lead better as well.  It is hard to ask someone to follow if we are not trying to improve ourselves.  I look forward to hearing about your journey this week.

 

Mike

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Do You- The Power of Living Authentically

One of the great gifts an athlete can possess is the ability to know their identity.  It doesn’t matter the sport, knowing and playing to your strengths is critical. In baseball, it’s the guy who doesn’t have great power but he has a knack for getting on base.  He doesn’t try to “go yard” or “hit nukes;” instead, he scraps and figures out a way to help the team.  In basketball, this person is willing to make the extra pass, defend and rebound.  The player’s awareness leads to more at-bats, minutes or repetitions than their “more talented” teammates.  Coaches throughout the country love this type of player.  Why? Because this player embraces who they are, they don’t try to be something they are not, and they end up being incredibly consistent because of it.

The Journey to Authentic Leadership:
The most important thing a leader can do is identify his or her true self. Deep down inside, we know exactly who we are.  Unfortunately, over the years many of us lose our way.  We end up being the type of person/leader we think we are supposed to be, not the person we truly are.   This leads to an identity crisis.  We lose sight of our authentic self.

It’s taken many years, but I am now able to lead authentically.  In order to lead from our heart, we must first take a deep dive into ourselves.  It starts with developing a personal philosophy.  A mistake I see many leaders make is trying to develop a culture without fully understanding their own beliefs.

Michael Gervais, the sports psychologist and high performance coach, says there are three ways to develop your personal philosophy.  These three ideas have greatly shaped and enhanced my life:

  1. Write: There is something powerful about putting pen to paper.   Writing forces you to think deeper; to clarify your thoughts.
  2. Mindfulness Practice: Mindfulness is being present; it’s being where your feet are.  This is my biggest challenge.  My mind races a mile a minute, I can’t sit still, I’m always pushing.  There are numerous ways to practice mindfulness.  I practice mainly by morning walks and with the Head Space app.
  3. Get around wise people: Once you begin down the path of self-mastery an amazing thing begins to occur; you attract wise people into your life.  These relationships have a profound impact.  You start seeing and understanding things in a different light.  For me, this human connection is powerful.

The bad news is that this process is not a quick fix. Living authentically is a life-long endeavor.  It takes time and effort.  The good news is that it has the ability to transform your life.

Once you identify your personal philosophy you’ll clearly notice your strengths and your weaknesses.  Recently, I was with a wise friend.  After a long discussion, he proclaimed, “Mike, you are allergic to money.  Any time charging someone comes up you shut down.”  Holy smokes! He nailed it.  He found a huge hole in my swing.

Here’s another benefit of knowing yourself- you’ll understand your weaknesses, and the best part is, you’ll learn to embrace them.  I have several areas where I am deficient (money is one).  It’s o.k.  Life is about forming teams and tribes.  My goal is to seek out teammates who can make up for my deficit areas.

On the other hand, it’s also important to play to your strengths. Lean into the things you do well! Instead of stifling energy focusing on the weaknesses, I propose working in your sweet spot. Unless we go through the arduous process of self-discovery we won’t know where to focus our time and energy.

Final Thoughts:
The player that I described in the opening paragraph is special.  Anyone who has coached knows exactly what I am talking about. By simply understanding themselves they are able to play free.

The same is true for you and I.  Once we lead from an authentic place our impact on others increases.  We accept our flaws and lean into our strengths.  Self-consciousness and the feelings of inferiority cease to exist. Much like trying to describe the player, it’s hard to articulate and quantify.  You free yourself up to make mistakes and take chances.  You learn that failure is part of the process.  You learn to let it rip!

This Week’s Challenge:
This stuff is heavy.  It’s definitely not for everyone.  It can be scary and lonely at times.  It’s easy to dismiss a personal philosophy as being esoteric or hokey.  It’s also easy to claim busyness as an excuse for lacking the discipline to execute.  Remember, Busy is a decision. I believe that if you want to be your best and live a fulfilling life, a personal philosophy is a must.  This week, pick up a pen and start writing, begin a mindfulness practice, and seek out wise people.  You owe it to yourself.  Please join me on the journey!

Make it a great week,

Mike

P.S. Another major hole in my swing is PowerPoint and Excel.  If you would like to join “my team” and offer your services, please let me know.

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Parental Guilt: How to Deal with the Guilt of Missing Events

My 8-year old son had a baseball tournament last Sunday.  I was able to watch the first game, but I had to miss the rest of the day.  As I was leaving the field I felt terribly guilty.  First, I was missing his game.  Second, I was leaving my wife to take care of our three young daughters.  As I took the walk of shame to my car, I began wondering, “Is it o.k. to miss your child’s games and events?”

If you attend a youth event you will usually find parents intensely watching.  It’s not only games, eager guardians attend practices too.  Currently, there is an unspoken “peer pressure” to always be in attendance.  I’ll be honest, I miss a lot of events.

I decided to write this article for anyone who has, or is, struggling with parental guilt.  Call it self-justification if you’d like, but I believe it is o.k. to not always attend your child’s activities.  In fact, I believe it contains many benefits.

It helps them understand the world does not revolve around them. 

I was speaking with a father who told me his son wanted to play travel baseball.  Travel baseball is a time and financial commitment.  After much debate, the father allowed his son to play, but he explained to him that he and his mother would not be attending many games. The parents would support their son’s desire to play but it was not going to alter everyone’s life.  Commitment was also important to this family; consequently, dad told the young man that they were going to keep the family vacation as scheduled and he would not be able to attend this year.

Reading this may sound extreme.  I think it is brilliant.  The parents allowed their son to make a choice.  Life is full of difficult choices.

It’s good for kids to see that the world does not revolve around their events.  Mom and dad have to work.  Mom and dad, believe it our not, have activities they also enjoy.  Their siblings have activities too. In some way, it helps the child understand that they are not the center of the universe.

They get to share the experience through their eyes.

I’m a coach.  A lot of what I do is analyzing.  Confession: I find myself analyzing and judging the play an 8-year old (I know, it’s pathetic).  It is a hard habit to break.  When watching my son play I often find myself in “coach mode” and guess who gets the brunt of my focus? You guessed it–my son.  “Why didn’t you back up there?”  “Always run hard.”  “Do you think you could have knocked that ball down?”

When I miss a game one of my favorite things to do is ask my son about the experience.  This past week, I asked him about his game.  “B, made a great catch and we got a double play to end the game.  It was awesome!”

What if I would have been at the game?  Would I have focused on the success of his teammates and how fun it was?  Or, would I have critiqued his mistakes?  I think you know the answer.

Hearing your child share the experience through their eyes is priceless.  Adults explain the game through a misguided lens.  Sure, it is important the kids improve and learn “adult” lessons from time to time.  But, it is a beautiful to listen to the child’s account of the game.

It helps you appreciate them more.

It is tough for me to attend events from February-June.  I do, however, have the flexibility to make it from time to time.  Over the years, I have learned that I watch the kids’ events in a much less heightened state during my busy time of year.  In other words, when I am able to attend I watch with much more appreciation.  It’s their activity; I get to enjoy watching them.  Instead of observing to critique, I find myself in a state of amazement and gratitude.

What If:

Why are we so obsessed with attending all of our kid’s events?  I can’t speak for everyone, but my guess is the majority of us worry that by not being present we will be causing harm.  We worry that we are not being supportive of their hopes, dreams and passions. We need to keep up with all the other parents.

What if we are actually helping our children by not attending?  What if they are becoming stronger, more independent, and learning to enjoy the activity?  Is it possible that this guilt is completely unnecessary?

Final Thoughts:

There is nothing like the love of a parent.  It is powerful.  You want to do everything to ensure your children live a happy, a healthy and a meaningful life.  This love and desire can lead to irrational thoughts and behaviors.  This can lead to a false belief that missing an event somehow damages the child. I don’t believe this is the case.  I talk to our kids when I am going to miss: “Daddy won’t be there, but I can’t wait to hear all about it.”  Our kids are fine with this.

Of course, I don’t have the answers.  Time will tell.  I just know that I love my family dearly; even if I have to miss their performances from time to time.

My best to you this week,

Mike

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Speaking Greatness into Others

Recently, NBA TV showed a video montage of Steve Kerr interacting with his star player, Steph Curry.  In the clips, you see Coach Kerr discussing Curry’s value to the team despite his poor shooting statistics during the game.  “You’re doing great stuff out there.  The tempo is so different when you’re out there.  Everything you generate is so positive for us.” The clips also showed Kerr praising Curry’s courage to keep shooting despite poor results.  Steve Kerr was speaking greatness into his star-player.

Steve Kerr Speaking Greatness

It’s amazing, as a full-grown adult I can still vividly recall situations where people have spoken greatness into me.  Here are three examples:

  • As a teenager my father used to tell me that I was special and had much to share. He warned me that others will turn to drugs and alcohol for attention.  Dad explained that I was a “natural leader” and I didn’t need those things to stand out.  Instead of the typical threats and intimidation tactics many fathers use, my father chose to speak greatness.
  • I didn’t get to play a lot during my freshmen year in college. In addition, there were a lot of great players returning the next year.  In my exit interview the head coach, Don Schaly, spoke greatness.  He explained how impressed he was with my attitude and ability.  “I don’t know how, but the cream will rise to the top.  And, I believe in you.”  Enough said.  That vote of confidence was the impetus to spark my career.
  • Like many athletes, my identity was often tied to my performance. I did o.k. at school but I never flourished.  My senior year I took a Business Communication course with Dr. Mabry O’Donnell.  “O” was tough; she demanded your best effort.  After one speech I presented to the class she wrote on my evaluation, “Outstanding job.  You have the presence of a CEO.”  Wow!  This one comment breathed life into me. She spoke greatness into a student who really needed it.

How have you used your words recently?   The people that I mentioned have little, or no idea the positive impact they left on me.   Speaking greatness is rarely rehearsed; instead, it is a way of life.  If we choose to purposely live our life from a place of empathy and kindness our impact is organic.  If we can suppress our ego, we can become genuinely happy for others. We become a positive life force.

This week I will be more aware of my words and the impact they have on others.  I will look for opportunities to encourage and compliment others on their journey.  Please join me on the mission.

Make it a great week,

Mike

Update: 

My “One-Word” for 2018 is Presence.  This year I plan to be better at “being where my feet are.”  With that being said, the next four months are my peak season.  My writings will be less this time of year.  So many of you have “spoken greatness” to me on my writing and speaking pursuit.  Thank you all so much.

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Competition: What the National Championship Taught me about Competing

Competere vs. Competition:

The Oxford Dictionary defines competition as: the activity or condition of striving to gain or win something by defeating or establishing superiority over others.  The synonyms are: rivalry, competitiveness, vying, contesting, opposition, contention, conflict, feuding, battling, fighting, struggling, strife, war.

This is the common understanding of competition: me against you.  I win. You lose.  Now more than ever we are obsessed with “getting what we deserve.”  We are in competition with everyone and everything.  Who has the better job? Better car? Better family? Nicer home? Smarter kids?  The list goes on and on.

The word compete comes from the Latin word competere: to seek together, from Latin com- + petere  to come together, agree, to go to.  Brett Ledbetter, founder of What Drives Winning, challenges us to look at competition as “striving together to improve.”

A Lesson From Jalen Hurts and Tua Tagovailoa:

Jalen Hurts entered last week’s National Championship game with a 25-2 career record.  His backup, Tua Tagovailoa, was the #1 ranked quarterback in the 2017 class.  At halftime, Alabama was struggling.  They trailed Georgia 13-0.  The Crimson Tide Head Coach, Nick Saban, made the bold decision to replace Hurts with the true freshmen Tagovailoa.  Tagovailoa did not disappoint, he led the Tide to a 26-23 thrilling overtime victory.

What I appreciated most was the interactions between Hurts and Tagovailoa.  These are two ELITE level athletes.  Hurts is a physical specimen, and a proven winner.  Tagovailoa appears to have the talent and mindset of a NFL quarterback.   Powerful egos usually accompany such strong skill sets.  After halftime, you saw the two men embrace several times.  Hurts, the mentor, there to assist the talented true freshmen every step of the way.  After the game Tagovailoa stated that Hurts was the one who, “lead the team to a National Championship.”

This is what high-level internal competition looks like- two people who are personally driven to help the group reach their mission.  It’s not about any one individual; instead, it is the team.

A Thought For Parents:

Basketball season is in full swing and the beginning of baseball is on the horizon.  Now is a great opportunity to help your child distinguish between the different definitions of competition.  We can become consumed with internal competition and a negative environment gets created.  “Are you going to start?” “Why is John getting more shots than you?”  This hurts your child’s relationships and ultimately their experience.

What if you approached things differently?  Instead of asking questions that focus on their specific role ask questions about the team.  “How is the team looking?”  “Are you working hard to ensure the team reaches their goals?”  Or, “have you helped anyone get better?”

I know this is difficult and not common.  From experience, I can tell you that the athletes that focus on helping the group have a much better experience than the ones who are solely focused on “getting theirs.”

Final Thought:

We cannot be afraid of competition.  Higher level sports and business are about striving to win.  We can’t shy away from that.  What we can do is form a healthy way of looking at competition.  Instead of hoping and wishing ill of others realize that your competitor’s growth is actually helping you.  As they improve so do you, and vice versa.

Two elite level athletes, Jalen Hurts and Tua Tagovailoa, gave us a great example of what internal competition is really all about.  As a result of the way they handled a tough situation both can be called National Champions.

Make it a great week,

Mike

 

 

 

 

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