Sports Parenting: Focusing on the Future Can Rob the Present

I’m concerned with what I see in youth and high school sports.  I’m not trying to be dramatic, I’m really not.  Why am I so concerned? I am seeing a culture that focuses so much on the future that the beauty of the present moment is being lost. 

We are obsessed with the next level.  Parents of young children worry if they aren’t playing good competition, they won’t make the travel team.  If they aren’t on a great travel team, they won’t be prepared for middle school sports.  If they don’t have a major role on the middle school team, they won’t be a star on the high school team.  If they aren’t the star on the high school team, they won’t go “D1.”  If they don’t go D1, then they won’t sign a pro contract. 

This mindset is upsetting to me.  Every team, season, experience, etc. has the opportunity to be incredibly special.  I’ve had high school kids tell me they are excited to get through their season so they can get to college ball.  NO….they are missing the change to do something special right now!

There’s no guarantee the future situation will be better than the one in front of you. 

Meet Coach Butch Chaffin:

Crooksville High School in Tennessee is home to legendary skipper, Butch Chaffin.  Coach Chaffin has been in the game for nearly 35 years.  Along with a HOF high school coaching career, he’s also a member of the TEAM USA coaching staff, has been a college coach, and a professional scout.  He’s someone who coaches at every level respect.

In his office there is a sign which states:

“Too many kids have been taught the goal of High School sports is to achieve an ATHLETIC scholarship.  Here is the truth: The goal of High School sports is to learn how to be a better person, better teammate, better communicator and to enjoy being a teenager…something you can’t get back.”

Coach Chaffin is a winner.  He knows what it takes to play at the highest level.  His concern, however, is getting kids (and parents) to be where their feet are.    

Words from a Power 5 Head Coach

A Power 5 head baseball coach told me he tells his players, “You are not going to the Big Leagues.”

This coach is a thoughtful person.  He cares deeply about his players. So, why would he say that? Doesn’t he want his players to reach the pinnacle of baseball? 

It’s because focusing so much on a future goal limits the present experience.  Playing high-level collegiate baseball is awesome.  Pursuing a common purpose with teammates can be life changing. Obsessing about something in the future distorts the moment.  If a player doesn’t get the role they want their mind goes to, “I can’t go the Big Leagues sitting the bench.”  The present lessons are lost with this state of mind. 

It’s healthier, more productive, and more rewarding to pour themselves into the present moment.  And, the chances of achieving high-level goals, like going to the Big Leagues, is more likely to happen if they are immersed in the experience in front of them.    

Sports as an Educational Laboratory

Is there a better educational setting than sports?  What if parents view the sporting experience as an elite educational opportunity? This mindset shift could change the entire experience. 

Your daughter isn’t in the starting line-up: this is an opportunity to add value in a different role.  Or, an opportunity to display grit and continue working to earn a starting spot.

Your son’s coach is completely unreasonable: I don’t know about you, but I’ve worked for unreasonable people.  What an opportunity to get some repetitions dealing with difficult personalities. 

Your child doesn’t get chosen for a team: Maybe this is life’s way of seeing if this is something they really want to do. 

Poor officiating: a chance to handle adversity.

Mean fans: a chance to display composure.

Bad teammates: an opportunity to achieve a goal even when you don’t like someone.

Playing in a big game: The gift of handling pressure. 

Sports is a classroom without walls.  The life lessons are everywhere. 

It’s more than an external future reward. 

Final Thoughts:

Typically, I live in the grey area.  I feel context matters so much that taking a hard stance is tough for me.  However, I am a firm believer we rob young people when we obsess about the future.   

What if we as parents took the approach of the Power 5 coach and thought: “Our kids aren’t going to the Big Leagues?”  What if we followed the advice of a legendary coach and reminded ourselves: “Let them enjoy being a kid/teenager because they can’t get that back?” 

Most importantly, what if we embraced all the highs and lows which sports can provide as an opportunity to help the growth and development of our kids?

If there was a course available which would help improve our child’s grit, resilience, problem solving skills, and help them forge long lasting relationships we would sign them up and stay out of the way.    

That, not a scholarship, is the benefit of sports.    

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Sports Parenting: How Can You Help Your Collegiate Athlete?

A few weeks ago I received a call from a friend.  His son is a first-year student-athlete in a competitive program.  From what I could gather, his son is struggling: he’s questioning his skills, the coach is demanding, and he’s not sure where he stacks up.  My friend is struggling as well; he wants to help. 

I asked him how often he talks with his son.  His response made me pause, “We talk everyday after practice.”  I followed up by asking (and not trying to sound too judgmental), “What do you talk about?”  He went on to tell me how they discuss: how practice went, how he performed, and what the coach said. 

My friend is great.  I like to think of him as a person who “gets it.”  However, this conversation left me concerned.   

The more I dive into sports parenting, the more I realize it’s not the malicious parent I’m worried about.  Very few parents fall into this category. Instead, it’s the parent (like my friend) who has the best intentions. They want to help.  They want their child to be happy.  They want them to have a great experience. 

Here are a few things to consider as you navigate your child’s collegiate athletics career. 

My Parents Got It Right:

Sports were a way of life in my family.  How I approached the game was a big deal.  My dad would come to games after work so there were usually two cars present. Put it this way, if I didn’t compete well I was jumping in my mom’s car.  She was much more tolerant than my dad. 

But something happened when I got to college: we rarely spoke about baseball.  When I would call home we’d talk about anything and everything but not my performance. 

What changed? I like to think my dad realized I was in an extremely competitive environment.  Critiquing daily results would do more harm than good.  He expected there would be highs and lows. He knew short-term results meant little; it would be based on consistency over time (can you imagine analyzing your retirement fund every day)?    

Most importantly, I believe my parents didn’t want my whole identity wrapped up in sports.  That’s a tough way to live. 

A Lesson From A Coach:

One of my closest friends is Jon Vanderwal, head basketball coach at Marietta College.  Over the last seven years only three teams have more wins at the Division III level.  They’ve won 82% of their games which is best amongst any program in DI, DII or DIII in the state of Ohio. 

You don’t have that type of success without having great internal competition.  In one of the first meetings every season, Coach V offers this advice.

“When your parents or friends ask if you are going to start, play or dress just say, ‘I’m working hard and getting better’.” 

Coach V believes that question can set-up unrealistic expectations which develops into bigger issues.  Kids will usually answer the question with what you want to hear.  “I’m killing it.  I was giving it to the guy who was the starter last year.” 

According to Coach V, and I agree, this leads to larger problems.  When the games begin and the athlete doesn’t get the role they want this question gets asked, “Why aren’t you playing more? You said you were crushing it in practice.”

This is a tough question for a young person to answer.  They’ll likely go into how the coach doesn’t like them or they aren’t being treated fairly. 

You can see how things can spiral from there. “Why doesn’t the coach like you?”  “You should be playing.”  The stories in the loved one’s head start becoming darker and darker. 

If you someone who is supporting a collegiate athlete, what can you do to avoid this? It’s simple. Don’t ask the question. 

Assessment Is Different Than You Think:

I learned this phrase last week at a leadership think tank event, “selection is an on-going assessment.”  It’s true.  One day, one performance, one interaction means very little.  The assessment is constant and includes way more than what people think. 

For example, how do most people assess a hitter’s performance in baseball?  Your likely answer is the results.  “I went 3-4.” Or, “I went 0-4 with 2 strikeouts.” 

From a coach’s standpoint, we are actually evaluating other things: the hard contact, the amount of pitches seen, the time from home to first, the production of the at-bat.  Not to mention, how was their approach to the game today? How did they show-up as a teammate? Are they coachable? 

The point is, what you may be obsessing upon (say a 3-4 performance) may not be that critical in the assessment process.  Numbers and statistics play out over time, not in a snapshot. 

Conclusion: 

I joked with my friend and told him he needs to have his son get a calling card and only call from a pay phone.  It would slow down the immediate feedback.  I think it would do him and his son good. 

All kidding aside, please consider moving to a support role as soon as you can.  Be intentional about the questions you ask knowing they can lead to future problems.  Realize your daughter or son is likely in a challenging environment and reflecting daily on the results is really hard for them to do. 

You are not alone, every parent I know wrestles with this.  You just can’t let your positive intentions lead to negative outcomes. 

When in doubt, tell your child you love them and can’t wait to see them soon!

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Back to School Lesson: What We Can Learn From JR Smith

I’ve been following a story that makes me smile.  Two-time NBA champion, JR Smith, has enrolled at North Carolina A&T to pursue a degree.  Not only is the NBA veteran taking classes, he also has been cleared by the NCAA to be on the men’s golf team.  Smith has been active on Twitter sharing his experience. 

Why has this story been so heartwarming?  After reflection, here are three reasons why I’ve enjoyed following.

  1. Courage and Vulnerability: Smith has made a lot of money playing basketball.  He has connections.  He’s famous.  He doesn’t need a degree to provide for his family.  He freely admits he wasn’t a great student in high school.  In addition, he’s playing a collegiate sport in which he only began playing as an adult. 

It would be so much easier for him to stay in his comfort zone; instead, he chose to stretch himself.  It’s amazing how adults will ask their kids to do uncomfortable things; however, those same adults haven’t challenged themselves in years. 

Smith is modeling risk taking. Something we all need to do, not just kids.    

2. Providing Inspiration: In one of his tweets Smith writes he wants to make, “an impact on our community and culture to pursue our education more so we can help the next generation after us.”

Sure, Smith is pursuing this opportunity for his own growth.  I believe the bigger reason, however, is he wants to model the importance of education for his community. 

The more I study leadership the more I realize actions and behaviors matter way more than talking and advice giving.  Once again, parents ask their kids to work hard and push themselves.  Instead of making requests, the more effective way for parents to change their kids’ behavior is to do uncomfortable things themselves.   

3. Mudita: Mudita can be defined as, vicarious joy; being happy for another’s success as if it is your own.  Reading others genuine happiness and excitement for Smith has been heartwarming.  Lebron James, Steph Curry, and David Banner have all sent him messages of encouragement and admiration. 

I think we can all be better encouragers to our friends and loved ones.  When someone is pursuing a challenging, maybe even unconventional endeavor, it’s easy to be the skeptic.  What stops us from being a source of strength instead? 

Conclusion:

Over my six years of publishing this newsletter, I’ve been humbled by the response of the readers.  One common response, however, makes me pause.  Frequently, someone will write back or stop me and say something like, “this is great stuff.  I wish my kids would read it.” 

When I receive these comments it reminds me of how easy it is to give advice and how hard it is to make behavior changes ourselves.  It’s easy to tell our kids or people we lead what to do.  It’s much tougher to roll up our sleeves and get dirty. 

That’s what I love about J.R. Smith’s story.  He could have used his platform to shout about the importance of leaving your comfort zone.  Instead, he enrolled in school at 35 years old and earned a spot on the golf team.  Giving money to education would have been easier than attending class and pursuing his degree.  He chose the tough route of modeling instead.   

I’d like to nudge you to join me in doing two things this week:

  1. Be an encourager for someone.  Instead of being a critic, support someone’s journey.  You get bonus points if you are vulnerable and share how you admire what they are doing. 
  2. Take a personal risk.  Remember, people are watching more than they are listening.  If getting uncomfortable is so important, prove it. 

Mike

P.S. If you get some down time, here’s a link to Smith’s Twitter feed. 

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A Different Style of Mentor

Mentor- “A trusted guide or counselor; tutor or coach.”  

Most will agree that having a mentor is critical for development and success.  The image often seen when envisioning a mentor is: soft spoken, caring, wise, and offering advice every step of the way.  We welcome mentors that make us feel good and provide answers. But what about the ones who are a little rough around the edges? Who lack bedside manner?

Recently, I listened to a Michael Lewis’ Against the Rules Podcast, “Don’t be Good, Be Great.” The podcast centered around a powerful mentor, his high school baseball coach, Bill Fitzgerald. Fitzgerald was a legendary baseball and basketball coach at Isidore Newman High School in New Orleans. Lewis describes his teenage self as being inert; lacking passion and direction.  The one person who he couldn’t ignore was the tough and intimidating Fitzgerald. 

In this magnificent podcast Lewis shares stories from himself and other athletes who Coach Fitz impacted.  He was old school; demanding excellence and was relentless in holding kids accountable.  Lewis states he was making “Spartan Warriors” at a wealthy, private high school.  Here are four lessons and highlights from the episode. 

  1. Privilege Corrupts: As a junior, Michael Lewis broke an unwritten rule- he went on a skiing vacation during spring break.  While his teammates stayed and trained, Lewis chose pleasure.  In his first pitching outing following vacation Fitz shouted from the dugout, “While everyone was at practice does anyone know where Lewis was?  SKIING!!” Fitz was shouting about missing practice but what he was trying to convey was sometimes you have to sacrifice.  You have to do what duty demands not what feels comfortable. Lewis wasn’t mad at the coach; instead, he was thankful the coach taught him a tough, albeit embarrassing lesson.
  2. Don’t Settle: After coming in second place in a basketball tournament Coach Fitz was furious.  In the locker room Fitz showed everyone what he thought of finishing runner-up by slamming the trophy on the floor.  The “little man” on top of the trophy went soaring across the room.  Following his tirade some players quit.  The team went on to win the state championship that year and for the next three years as well.  According to two prominent players on the team, one who went on to have an 11 year NBA career and one who became a doctor after being a Rhodes scholar, Fitz’s tirade “steeled their resolve.”  It made them realize, “we can do better than this.”  Lewis sums it up best, “the players that left missed out because they didn’t let the coach work his magic.” 
  3. Accountability Matters: The team had training rules not to drink alcohol, which seems like a responsible request for high school kids.  Several of the players broke the rule during Mardi Gras and the coach held them accountable by issuing suspensions.  Some influential parents were upset and voiced their displeasure with the headmaster threatening to pull funding. They wanted the legendary coach fired. One player Jeremy Bleich, who went on to play at Stanford and pitch in the Big Leagues, was fully supportive of the coach: “Was there vulgarity and intensity? Yes. He taught us how to push yourself; to put your foot down and take a chance.  His message was always, ‘don’t be good be great’.”
  4. Speaking Greatness: Lewis toed the rubber as a scrawny and emotionally fragile freshman.  With runners on first and third and holding a one run lead, the opposition was salivating at the thoughts of facing the rookie. When coach handed Lewis the ball he said, “there’s no one I’d rather have in this situation than you. Now pick the son of a bitch off third and shove it up the hitter’s ass.”  Lewis could feel the coach’s energy and went on to get out of the inning and secure the win.  Even more magical was his post-game comments where he said if you want to know what courage looks like, “watch Lewis pitch.”  In that moment, he gave Lewis a new way of looking at himself.  The struggling teen became empowered. 

What’s fascinating to me is that when taken out of context those stories could be cause for termination:

  1. He called out and embarrassed a kid in front of teammates, friends and family.  All for going on a family vacation.
  2. It was childish behavior to slam a trophy and risk injuring someone. Poor modeling.
  3. Kids will be kids.  Everyone makes mistakes. Why does he need to be so harsh?
  4. His language is completely inappropriate.  It’s just a game.  What a horrible message. 

Or, another way a coach could approach these situations.

  1. The coach doesn’t make a big deal of this.  In fact, he asks about the trip.  And when he struggles he says, “don’t worry- you’ll be better next time.”
  2. The coach says calmly, “I know we can be better. But, second place isn’t bad.  You have a lot to be proud of.”
  3. The coach realizes they are not bad kids they just made a mistake. He has a stern talking with them but no suspension.
  4. Coach walks to the mound and says, “Give me your best kid.  That’s all I can ask.”

Everyone is entitled to their opinion on how a coach/mentor approaches situations.  In fact, there’s nothing wrong with thinking either one of the hypothetical responses I proposed is right.  My life experience, however, has taught me there’s something powerful about having a Coach Fitz type in your life.  It’s uncomfortable, even crude, but there’s a confidence and resilience factor that emerges.

Final Thought:
I recently experienced my 11th Father’s Day.  Observing my kids, I had two thoughts:

  1. I hope they find something they love to do.
  2. I hope they find a mentor who can help teach and develop them.

I’ve never met someone who is incredibly passionate that isn’t a bit “crazy” when it comes to their subject matter.  I don’t expect their mentor to have great bedside manner.  Instead, I hope they can work their magic, like Fitz, over the long run. 

I worry that eccentric characters are a dying breed.  As a coach, I speak for many who can attest that there are unrealistic expectations in our profession.  Instill values of toughness, persistence, and teamwork but do so under a specific set of guidelines. 

It’s hard to see our kids struggle.  I just hope I have the discipline to stay out of the way if my kids meet a mentor like Fitz.

Make it a great week,

P.S. Two questions:
1. How would you react if your kids had a tough, abrasive mentor like Fitz?
2. How can you support and protect mentors in your community?

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Dad Goggles and Sports and Parenting

A longtime baseball scout was attending a banquet when a baseball lifer approached him. This person played professionally, managed, and dabbled in the front office. Tough and rugged- the man had a reputation as being abrasive, passionate and honest. 
 
On this particular night, the ex-skipper cornered the scout and asked him when his organization was going to draft his son.  The scout, who thought his son was a late round draft pick at best, tried dodging the question. “Ah Skip, he’s a nice player.  I’m sure someone will pick him up.”  To this he replied, “Nice player?  He’s the best catcher in the draft.  He’s way better than that kid from Vegas.” 
 
That “kid from Vegas” was phenom Bryce Harper.
 
Dad Goggles:
Dad Goggles- “the tendency to think your child is way better than they really are.”
 
Being a coach, I get to witness this phenomenon regularly.  If I’m watching a high school game a dad will ask, “How hard is he throwing?”  After looking at the unbiased radar guy I reply, “76-78 mph.”  Dad often chimes in, “no way….he throws harder than that.”  Ah…ok. 
 
During the recruiting process dads often rave about their sons work ethic.  “He’s the hardest worker.” I know dad googles are at play; if their son is the hardest worker there’s zero reason to say it. That type of behavior is legendary. It will speak for itself.
 
If you are reading this and you are a father there is a 97% chance you have the goggles.  It’s ok. In the majority of cases dad goggles are harmless and even endearing. Just admit you’re nuts when it comes to your kids. Everyone understands. The condition only becomes threatening when you lack self-awareness and begin putting undue pressure on the child.  
 
Dad goggles are fine.  My concern is what I have: “Coach Goggles.”
 
Coach Goggles:
Coach Goggles: “the tendency to judge and pick everything apart.  Being overly critical; lacking appreciation.”
 
My greatest strength is my obsession with continuous improvement. It’s also my greatest weakness. I think I stink at everything.  In my mind, I haven’t accomplished anything.  It’s a gift and a curse. It motivates me to keep working and growing. However, it can be damaging to happiness and fulfillment.  Luckily, I’ve learned to manage this for myself.  What I worry about is how it affects my children. 
 
I have witnessed Dad Goggles so many times that I wanted to make sure I never had them.  I didn’t want to be the dad bragging and the person listening going, “Oh boy.  What is he talking about?” 
 
You mix being a coach, striving for continuous improvement, and my adverse relationship with dad goggles and you have the recipe for a tough childhood for my kids.  I rarely give them credit.  They play good….I see 10 things they could have done better.  Another parent compliments me on their kindness…they are just doing what they are supposed to do. 
 
Coaching goggles are more dangerous than dad goggles. 
 
Conclusion:
If you possess dad goggles you are fine.  Just realize your kid isn’t as good as you think they are. The world likely sees them differently than you do. Don’t worry, you are in good company- even Major League baseball royalty owns a pair. 
 
If you are like me and have the coach’s goggles be careful.  Our kids don’t need our judgment and insecurities placed on them.  It kills confidence.  More importantly, it can kill the relationship. We can’t let that happen. 

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How to Take a Chewing

Do you know a powerful way to standout? Be an All-American at taking a butt chewing.  (Credit to Alabama softball coach, Pat Murphy for the phrase). 
 
There comes a time in every competitive athlete’s life where he or she takes a chewing.  Please pause for a moment and consider a time where you felt the wrath of a coach, boss, or parent.  I’m sure you have a moment you can vividly recall. 
 
The vast majority don’t respond well to this situation.  They pout, shrink away, or talk back.  They use phrases like, “he called me out in front of everyone.”  Selfish pride gets in the way.  Folks often go to great lengths to defend their honor. 
 
Being an All-American at taking a chewing is powerful in several ways.

  • It can change your life: Murph said it best, “30 seconds of uncomfortableness can change your life.” If you listen to the message and not the tone, you can use this as a learning opportunity.  The coach/boss/parent is spirited for a reason.  Listen.
  • You model toughness: By maintaining your poise, eye contact and body language you are demonstrating toughness under pressure.  Your peers and boss will look up to you.
  • Sets a great example: There are accounts of Bill Belichick being relentless on Tom Brady; of Greg Popovich coaching Tim Duncan hard.  Other team members get the message that if the star on the team can take harsh criticism so should I. 

 What do you say after taking a butt chewing?  You maintain eye contact and say “Yes Coach. Period. 
 
Parents:
I strongly encourage you to support the coach or teacher who gives your child tough love.  It’s coming at some point in their life.  Why not learn at a young age how to respond properly to criticism.  All-Americans are consistent.  It doesn’t just happen once. There will be several occasions where your child will wear one.  It won’t break them unless you decide to make it a big deal. 
 
Student-Athletes:
It’s true, most of you will go pro in something other than sports.  A big advantage you’ll have is the ability to accept brutally honest feedback.  In business, there isn’t time to massage the message.  Someday, your boss will tell you your work is crap. You can draw on your experience as an All-American at taking a butt chewing to accept the feedback, make the adjustments, and move on. 
 
Quick Story:
Two years ago we were playing in the biggest game in our program’s history.  We found ourselves down 9-0 after 4 innings and it was a circus.  On one particular play, one of our top players and leaders, failed to back up a base.  There was an over throw and he was just standing in no-mans land.  In between innings I lost it on him.  He looked at me and said, “You are right, Coach.” 
 
What could I say to that?  It diffused the situation completely. 
 
This wasn’t my proudest moment.  My ego was bruised.  We were laying an egg in a big game.  When I saw our player not backing up I lost it. 
 
This story has a happy ending.  That same player hit a home run later in the game.  In addition, we ended up winning 12-10 in extra innings.  More importantly, this former player and I are still very close.  I think the world of him.
 
I know this, we don’t win the game if he pouts, argues or chooses to make a scene in the dugout.  He earned his All-American butt chewing award that day. 
 
Final Thought:
Of course, this discussion is centered around sports and kids.  However, in your line of work can you do a better job of accepting criticism?  Can you model to others in your organization how to take a kicking and keep on ticking? 
 
We are never above a good butt chewing.  Let’s be a positive example for others on how to take criticism. 

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Coaching From The Stands

*This article was originally written in July of 2019*

I was watching my 9 year-old son, Joey, play basketball.  His responsibility was to pass the ball to the player on the wing.  For most of the season, and for most of this particular game, Joey was able to accomplish this relatively simple task.  However, the opponent changed strategy.  They started guarding him much tighter and they began denying his entry pass.  This resulted in Joey forcing the pass which was either deflected or intercepted.

Joey likes to please. He’s going to do whatever the coach says, and his job was to throw the ball to the wing.  The situation changing didn’t register with him.

I was gritting my teeth in the stands.  I believed I could help him by giving instructions.  As I watched turnover after turnover I started to rationalize. 

“Giving a quick pointer will help the team.  It’s not even about my son, it will help them win.”

“He doesn’t need to struggle like this.  A quick correction will make the game much more enjoyable.”

“The coach will probably thank me.  He’s busy with a lot of other things.”

In my distorted mind, I began to believe giving Joey a tip would be helping not only him, but also the entire team.  I started visioning Joey blowing past his defender, drawing help, and dishing off to his teammate for an open layup.  We’d teach this other coach a thing or two about hoops.  After the layup, Joey would run down the court and point at me for the “assist.”  Heck, the coach may turn around and give me a fist bump as well. 
 
Why Coaching From the Stands is a Bad Idea
Being a sport parent can be challenging.  It’s not just youth games, you see it in collegiate games as well.  Parents, with good intentions, believe that coaching from the stands will be an asset. I can emphatically say it doesn’t help.  Here are a few reasons why:

  1.  It Creates Confusion: “Who should I listen to? Dad or the coach?”  “Do I disobey the coach or my mom?”  The child is put in a lose/lose situation having to decide which authority figure to disrespect.
  2. Anxiety is Heightened: If a child sees their parents pacing and shouting instructions they become anxious.  Even if they weren’t previously nervous, mom and dad’s mental state has been passed on to them.
  3. Devalues Authority: Not only does it create confusion, it actually encourages disrespecting authority.  “Listen to your coach, but only when it serves you.” Not to be dramatic, but this disrespect spills over to other positions of authority: teachers, principals, bosses, and the police.
  4. Benefits are Minimal: I’ve never seen it help, period.  In youth games, I’ve never witnessed a child take instruction from  dad and start having tremendous success.  In high school and beyond, I’ve seen athletes embarrassed by parents actions, but I’ve never seen positive results. 

As I watch my children play I have to remind myself it is their activity, not mine.  I’ve had my opportunity to play 10u basketball, now it’s my kids’ turn.  Unfortunately, this means I will have to watch them struggle.

Don’t we know the ability to struggle and overcome is a good thing?  However, when it comes to our own children it is difficult to let this process play out.

Food For Thought:

  • It is critical that game day is for the kids.  In fact, I’m a proponent of not attending every game.  I view the game as their test day to see what they have learned in practice.  As a parent, the time to work on skills and strategy is in between games, not during.
  • A lot of us have regrets from our own playing days or childhood.  It’s easy to think, “I’m not going to let my kids make the same mistakes as I did.”  While wanting better for our children is admirable, it can also turn into an obsession.  We start thinking about what we would have wanted, while forgetting our child is their own person possessing their own hopes and dreams.
  • It takes a village to raise a child.  When they have a coach, teacher or other type of mentor, let them do their job.  Sometimes these people will do things differently.  That is great.  Exposure to different personality types and thought processes is outstanding.  It will pay dividends in the long-run. 

Final Thought:
After the third turnover I decided to take a walk.  I couldn’t watch any longer without saying something.  I needed a “parent time-out.”

With 3:00 minutes left in halftime, I saw the coach talking to Joey.  Next, he brought over another player and started demonstrating how to set a ball screen.  Then they ran through a new play to counter the defense!

What a day for Joey!  He learned about failure.  He listened to authority and did what was asked of him.  He learned how to adjust and overcome obstacles.  He took coaching and instruction from someone besides his parents.  And, his team went on to win the game.  That is learning life lessons through sports!

Boy, I’m glad I took the walk and kept my mouth shut. 

Make it a great week,

Mike

P.S. A big shout out to all the youth coaches who volunteer their time.  Our kids have been extremely fortunate to have great coaches and role models.  Thank you!

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The Best “Sports Parenting” Advice I’ve Received

One of the perks of my job is I get to meet incredible families almost daily.  I get to observe parents who have been successful raising happy and confident adults.  I thought I would share a quick story from an encounter with a father from 2010.  

We were in Memphis, Tennessee playing at Rhodes College.  There was a game prior to ours that I wanted to scout.  All we had was our charter bus so I needed a ride.  Larry Gasser, who’s son Brian was a pitcher on our team, offered to drive me.  

I knew Mr. Gasser but not well.  It can be a nightmare for a coach to be in this situation.  Unfortunately, you never know if there is an agenda.  

Brian bounced between our number one or two pitcher his freshmen year; however, he opened up the 2010 team as our number three.  In essence, he had been demoted to start the season.  To be honest, I was hesitant to be “trapped” in a car with Mr. Gasser.  

Did he have an axe to grind?  Was I going to get bombarded with questions?  Would it be a 20-30 minute interrogation?  

The ride I dreaded led to an amazing conversation.  I was a new father.  We talked about raising children.  We talked about being a good husband.  We talked about making a difference.  Not one time did we discuss the baseball team or his son’s role.  It was incredible.

There is one pearl of wisdom that Larry shared that I wanted to pass along to you.  I asked him, “Do you get nervous when Brian pitches?”  His response was priceless and I share this often with parents.  

“Coach, I realized a long time ago that Brian is a good boy before the game, and Brian is a good boy after the game.  I just enjoy watching him during the game.”

Make it a great week,

Mike

P.S. It worked out pretty well Brian.  He became the National Pitcher of the year in 2011.  He was also a part of two National Championship teams.  

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In Times of Uncertainty Control the Controllable

 (This article was orginally posted on July 6, 2020)

What an interesting time!  There are high levels of fear, anxiety, distrust, and skepticism. People are worried about the future.

  • Are we going to face another shut down?
  • Will schools reopen in the fall? 
  • What will happen if I lose my job? 
  • Will professional sports ever be the same?

In the recent months, I’ve witnessed people obsessing about things they have little or no control over. I’ve been guilty of this.  While watching a 10u baseball game I was reminded of an important lesson: control the controllable.    

Lessons from the Sandlot:
There are several ways to describe the first year of kid pitch baseball- slow, agonizing, boring- to name a few.  What I’ve noticed is the extreme emotional output on the child who is pitching.  They are an emotional wreck!  Most of them don’t understand that several factors are outside of their control.. 

  • If the batter chooses to swing.
  • If the batter crushes a home run.
  • If the umpire calls the pitch a ball or strike.
  • If the fielder catches the baseball. 
  • If your coach, mom, or dad yells at you. 

At the 10u level, the vast majority of kids can’t comprehend this.  They feel like everything is their fault.  They don’t understand that an error was made behind them or that the umpire missed a call.  They just know there was a poor outcome, and they assume they are to blame.

Over the years, the pitcher eventually realizes that after releasing the pitch the outcome is largely out of his control.  This isn’t to avoid blame or criticism.  In fact, it’s just the opposite.  The result provides information to be analyzed and used for future decision making.  The advanced pitcher focuses on the process and avoids the emotional rollercoaster of letting results define their success. 

My son is ten and is going through this journey.  I’m not sure how much he understands but here’s what I encourage him to focus on. 

  • Play catch with someone a few days a week.
  • Be ready to field his position.
  • Back up bases.
  • Communicate and be a positive teammate.
  • After a play, understand the current situation and decide what needs to be done next.
  • Display the courage to keep trying.

That’s it.  Those are things he can control.  It’s a much simpler game.

Athletes frequently get lost in the future.  What bad things are going  to happen next?  How many runs are they going to score? How are my coaches/parents going to react? 

Those questions are common.  Those questions also let us know that uncertainty is winning.  Those questions lead to negative results. 

Sports Life Parallel:
The parallels between sports and life always amaze me.  In looking at my son’s list I thought, “That’s the blueprint for how I need to approach life right now.”

  • “Play catch”- Do the work.
  • “Field your position”- Add value.
  • “Back up bases”- Support others.
  • “Communicate and be a great teammate”- Focus on relationships.
  • “Analyze the play”- Be adaptable.
  • “Display courage”- Keep going. 

Conclusion:
“Why would I think about missing a shot that I haven’t taken”- Michael Jordan

We are in the midst of tough and challenging times.  In my lifetime, I have not experienced mass uncertainty like we are presently witnessing.  Like the great Jordan said, we can’t be worried about problems that haven’t arrived. 

This time demands that we focus on what we control.  That list is longer than we often acknowledge. 

As we charge on to the field following halftime of the year 2020, we are faced with an uncertain future.  People will resort to gossip and fighting on what they believe should be done.  Others will choose to spend time consuming an unhealthy amount of news increasing their worry and anxiety. 

Let’s not fall for these traps.  Let’s focus on relationships, health, growth, and happiness.  Let’s be mindful of the content we consume.  Let’s guard against people who want to bask in negativity.  Let’s adapt and persevere.  Let’s be quick to lend a helping hand. 

The world needs you right now,

Mike

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Victim or Thriver: We Always Have a Choice

(This article was originally released in June 2019)

“Call it both ways!” “Those referees are cheating us!” “You are the worst, Blue!”

How many times have you heard (or said) these phrases at a game? I get to see a lot of amateur sporting events and I am still amazed at the frequency of disparaging comments made at officials by fans, coaches and even players.  It’s appalling behavior simply because it’s no way to treat another person. There is, however, an underlying reason why I am so put off by these comments. The reason came to light after reading, “The Choice: Embrace the Possible,” by Dr. Edith Eva Eger.

Obviously, I love sports and the life lessons they teach.  Not all teaching is positive. If we are not aware of our actions and behaviors the results are damaging.  Frequently, comments are made about how a team “gets all the calls.” Or we’ll speak of an assumed advantage another organization possesses that makes them successful.  As fans or participants we rarely give credit for excellence. It has to be something external; something beyond our control. It can never be the opposition was simply better.

A Victim or Thriver:

“A good definition of being a victim is when you keep the focus outside of yourself, when you look outside yourself for someone to blame for your present circumstances, or to determine your purpose, fate or worth.” – Dr. Eger

If you play competitive sports I guarantee you will be victimized. Someone will do you wrong – an official will blow a call, a teammate will not pass you the ball, an opponent will perform an illegal act or your coach will not utilize your talent properly.  These things are not your fault; however, how you choose to respond to these events will determine whether you become a victim or a thriver.

A victim sees these circumstances as an injustice.  He develops a pessimistic mindset. He feels he has no control over the situation so he stops trying.  Instead of looking inward, the victim will look outside himself for the answer. The victim spends his time blaming and complaining which quickly turns to self-loathing.

A thriver, on the other hand, acknowledges that he has been wronged, but he takes responsibility for his hardship and healing. The thriver doesn’t place blame for the wrongdoing; instead, he begins the hard work necessary to move forward. The thriver moves toward the pain and understands it’s only temporary.  While the victims ask, “why me,” the thriver says, “what’s next.”

A Note to Parents:

Do we want our children to be victims or thrivers? I really believe we have the opportunity to shape their mindset in a positive way.

First, it starts with awareness.  We must realize that our words and actions are the foundation. Are we modeling behaviors like blaming the officials for our child’s lack of success?  Is it the coach’s fault? Are we inadvertently creating a victim?

Next, we have to understand that when our child is wronged, it is actually an OPPORTUNITY for them to grow.  The hardship they have been dealt can transform them to thrive; to be a person who overcomes obstacles, perseveres and develops grit. A football coach I highly respect told me parents should pray their kids are third string.  They’ll develop more life skills than the person that begins as a starter.

Lastly, we must fight the powerful urge to intervene and remove the obstacle.  Removal of our child’s pain point will feel good as a parent in the short-term. With enough work we can remove the bully from their group, get their coach fired, have their teacher reprimanded, get them on the all-star team. But are we really helping them?  Or are we actually developing a victim?

The Sports and Life Parallel:

Just like we will eventually be wronged in sports, in life, there will be times when we are victimized but that doesn’t mean we are victims. We’ll experience a bad boss; we’ll be passed over for a promotion; factors outside of our control will lead to suffering. Worse yet, illness to ourselves and love ones will eventually strike.  How we choose to respond to these events are within our control.

Dr. Eger writes, “suffering is inevitable and universal – how we respond to suffering differs.”   This week, I will be intentional with my words and actions with my children and those around me to instill values of choice.  I will choose to thrive and not be a victim.

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