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Protecting the Culture, Second Chances and Empathy

As a collegiate baseball coach I work mainly with 18-22 year old males. As a former person in this demographic, I can assure you young adults do dumb things. Sometimes really dumb things. 
When incidents occur there is a great deal of frustration. There is often pressure to remove the athlete or to impose a strong punishment. If your punishment doesn’t please the masses you appear soft on discipline. Or, worse yet, accusations emerge claiming you only care about winning.

Here’s what people forget, we are dealing with human beings. A human being who, with the right guidance, can make the most of a second chance. It’s much easier to remove a person from the team or organization. Removal has the outward presence of being a disciplinarian or “tough on crime.” 

What’s worse? There will be times when you provide a second or fifth chance and you get burned. The critics are even louder when this occurs. 

I don’t know if it’s the holiday season or the crazy state of the world, but the importance of empathy keeps reappearing. Below are three stories with short videos centering around second chances and empathy. Click on the title to view the video.


1.    The Story of Caron Butler– Butler played 14 seasons in the NBA. Presently he is an assistant coach with the Miami Heat. His success almost never happened. Raised in Racine, WI- Caron was arrested 15 times before his 15th birthday. At the age of 14, he received a year-long sentence. Upon his release, he committed to turning his life around. Less than two years removed from incarceration, Butler’s house was raided by the police. They found crack cocaine and other drugs in an adjacent garage. There was enough evidence for lead officer, Rick Geller, to arrest Butler. If convicted he would have faced a minimum sentence of 10 years. Geller trusted his instincts- he noticed Butler was in complete disbelief. In an unbelievable display of empathy, Geller decided not to issue an arrest. He told Butler, “I hope I don’t regret this.” Geller has been proven right. Butler now owns multiple Burger King franchises, works to bridge the gap between police and communities, and is active in supporting at-risk youth. What if Geller would have decided to charge Butler on that fateful day?


2.    Nick Saban on Second Chances– In a press conference in 2014, Nick Saban delivered an epic rant concerning second chances. When players get in trouble he challenged conventional thinking on discipline. “Where do you want them to be? On the streets? Or here graduating?” He then references Mohsin “Moose” Muhammed who Saban coached at Michigan State. Muhammed was arrested for having a loaded gun, which was in violation of his probation from a previous charge. “Everybody in the school, every newspaper guy, everybody was killing the guy because he got in trouble and said he shouldn’t be on the football team.” After an amazing NFL career, Muhammed is a leader in business and the community. He is the President of M2 Foundation for kids, he and his wife have adopted two daughters from Ethiopia, and he is also the cofounder of a private equity firm. Saban ends the rant by saying, “So, who was right?”  


3.    Empathy: The Human Connection to Patient Care- this video always makes me pause. It shows how every person is facing their own challenges. It’s a great reminder for all of us to be more forgiving and understanding. 

Final Thought:

I get it. The stories above are isolated accounts. There are times when second chances do not work out. The leader is charged with upholding organizational standards . Despite their best efforts to serve the individual, there are behaviors that warrant removal. There isn’t always another chance.


I hope, however, that today’s article gives you the strength to make decisions based upon what you believe to be right, not because of public pressure. Showing support for a person when the rest of the world appears to be abandoning them is incredibly powerful. It’s something that person never forgets. We all need an encourager to stand with us. The critics will always be there….who cares about them.

We are working with sons and daughters, fathers and mothers. As leaders, it’s our job to fight for the culture of our organization. But, we must remember to do it in the most human way possible. 

I have made mistakes, received a break, and capitalized on the second chance. 

Can you recall a time when you made a mistake, could have been severely punished, and received forgiveness? 

There’s a good chance someone showed you empathy. Maybe you’ll have an opportunity to pay the same grace forward. 

**Special shout out to coach Adam Mosley of Hoover High School and coach Tom Marker of Olentangy Orange for sharing the Caron Butler video.**

Mushin Muhammad article

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My Five Year Posting Anniversary

I wrote my first article Thanksgiving week, 2014.  Over these five years I’ve written between 140-165 articles.  My first year writing I posted on WordPress and I don’t know how many I wrote that year; therefore my count is bit vague.  I switched to Mailchimp in 2015 and have produced 139 articles over a four year span.  So, I’ve averaged somewhere between 28-33 articles a year.  If I were to guess the average length of each piece was between 800-900 words.  That means I’ve written and shared roughly 131,750 words! 
 
In celebration of the 5-Year Anniversary I wanted to share the random things I’ve learned: 

  • There are critics and performers in life- I want to perform and not criticize.
  • Taking risks is dangerous.
  • Playing it safe and small is deadly.
  • Your kids are more likely to become what you do, not what you say- model well.
  • Drive fast, take chances- you only live once. 
  • Your “voice” is the most important thing as a writer. 
  • The quicker you realize that internal success trumps external success the better.
  • Take care of your spouse first, your kids second.    
  • Minivans get a bad rap; if you have more than two kids buy one.
  • Make your present job the big time. 
  • Being able to self-reflect and evaluate is incredibly hard for most people.
  • Those who can self-reflect and evaluate possess a tremendous competitive advantage over those who can’t.
  • Sharing my thoughts has increased my accountability. 
  • Authenticity and vulnerability are attractive personality traits. 
  • Being physically present with family isn’t as important as society makes it out to be.
  • Being mentally present when you are with family is more important than society makes it out to be. 
  • Competitive sports are one of the last “no spin zones”: stewards of the game must fight to uphold this. 
  • A high performing team will beat a high performing individual.
  • Being a part of a team requires sacrificing a little of your individuality.
  • That sacrifice is totally worth it. 
  • We tend to exaggerate our hardships and minimize others.   
  • Culture is important but so is talent.
  • Leadership is important but so is “followership.” 
  • People want to help; have the courage to ask. 
  • If you aren’t curious it’s impossible to grow.
  • If you aren’t growing you are going to get run over.
  • Data and technology are here to stay but it will never replace human connection.
  • Haters are going to hate.
  • If you are looking for quick fixes you’ll be searching for a long time. 
  • Poor diet and lack of exercise manifest physically as you advance in age.
  • The older generation always has, and still continues to be disappointed in the younger generation.  
  • It’s time for the older generation to get over it.
  • Always leave it better than you found it.   
  • Detaching emotionally is important in successful decision making. 
  • Detaching emotionally from decision making can make detaching emotionally from family and friends more likely.  Be careful. 
  • Stop saying, “I’m old.” You are never old unless you want to be. 
  • When hiring read the candidates thank you note to the secretary and not the boss.
  • Defense wins championships. 
  • However, offense gets your name in the paper. 
  • Being busy is a choice. 
  • Carving out time to think, reflect, and create is worth the investment. 
  • You are not as important as you think…enjoy yourself. 
  • Kids haven’t changed, but adults have.
  • A funeral can be enjoyable- a life-well lived is inspiring. 
  • Timing and luck do matter.
  • The harder and smarter you work the odds of experiencing positive timing and luck increase.
  • Racism still exists and I can’t for the life of me understand why. 
  • If you are feeling down do something for someone else.
  • When your playing career concludes it will be better to be known as an unreal teammate than an unreal talent.
  • It won’t mean a thing if you didn’t earn it. 
  • If you would want it for your kids you ought to do it for yourself. 
  • There’s nothing like being a part of something bigger than yourself.

 
A sincere thank you for accompanying me on this journey.  The relationships and connections I’ve made or enhanced via this newsletter is incredibly full-filling.  Your patience and guidance is greatly appreciated. 
 
I’m just getting started, friends.  I look forward to growing and improving in the next five years.

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Reimagining How to Market Yourself

A person I greatly admire is Toronto Blue Jays President and CEO, Mark Shapiro. This spring, Mark spoke with our team about high performance.  Several of our players aspire to work in professional baseball and we asked what he looks for in new hires. You could sense he was humbled by the high quality of resumes he receives. He mentioned every candidate is smart, hardworking and passionate about baseball.  Those things are the baseline, he said. To stand out, there has to be more.

The conversation with Mark made me reflect.  When I ask student athletes: “what did you learn from your experience” the typical responses are: hard work, commitment, team work, and overcoming challenges. Those are baseline answers.  In a competitive job market, cookie cutter responses won’t be difference makers.

I’m clearly biased, but I think every organization would be wise to consider hiring a former student-athlete.  Their experience on the court, field, track or in the water has provided them with transferable skills that can impact an organization.  The problem for most student athletes, however, is they struggle to articulate their value.

Things for Student-Athletes to Consider

Employers need to learn how your past experiences will impact their culture moving forward.  In order for your experiences to resonate, reflection is required.  To get your mind going, I compiled a list of positive attributes I’ve observed.

Resilience– Sports are filled with moments of adversity.  For me, I went from being first-team all-league my sophomore year to being benched during my junior season.  I wasn’t producing.  I was angry.  I had a choice: make some positive changes or go the negative route.  Fortunately, I was able to overcome the setbacks. The professional world is filled with pot holes.  It won’t be smooth sailing.  The ability to bounce back will be a much needed life skill.

Show Up: A tremendous power humans possess is the ability to choose how we show up every day.  Competitive sports programs are frequently in high pressure environments.  Character (and culture) are revealed in times of adversity. In sports, we show up regardless if we got beat by 20 runs the night before, we lose the starting job, we have a big win the day prior, or we are tired and not feeling well.  A consistent teammate is valued in any sector. Leaders love people who dance through the storm.  Obstacles are part of the journey.  Those who embrace challenges with a big smile will always be in demand.

Collaboration: Exceptional effort by all team members is required to achieve challenging program goals. This requires relying on the skill and expertise of coaches, trainers, managers, custodians, and many more. Humility is developed along the way- no one person can do it on their own.  In business, working together to solve complex challenges is a must. Working tirelessly and not caring who gets the credit is valuable. Individuals who have the skills to work in a team, and suppress their ego, will thrive in the future.

Emotional Intelligence: Being a part of something bigger than yourself is a reminder that everything is not about you.  You are forced to get over yourself real quick.  Sports help with self-awareness and equally as important, help you become aware of others. You learn to have empathy for the teammate who makes a crucial error .  I believe E.I. is the most important skill in life.  The ability to connect with a diverse group and show compassion will enhance any industry.

Adaptability: A hallmark of competitive sports is the unpredictable nature. The circumstances are constantly changing. The ability to quickly process information, make a decision, and execute are crucial to success. Life is full of uncertainty. Embracing chaos is more important now than ever. Adaptation and perseverance are now a necessity.

Competition: Well-adjusted athletes develop a healthy relationship with competition. Competitive programs are breeding grounds for fierce internal and external competition. Internally, the talent differential amongst teammates is incredibly small. Externally, the best programs seek out other top programs for a challenge. The margin for error is minute. It takes years of incremental improvement to make a splash.  Professional life isn’t much different; competition is everywhere. Failure and rejection are present.  Being comfortable in uncomfortable situations is a major advantage.

Thoughts for Parents:

Writing this piece made me realize how many parents are focusing on the wrong things. Parents frequently agonize over playing time, the fairness of their child’s treatment, and wins and losses. The life-skills listed above have nothing to do with these things. The lessons are actually packed in the journey.  The student-athletes ability to reflect on the experience is what determines the value, not actually what happens.  We need to consider this when we want to intervene- intervention will likely disrupt a rich learning experience.

Final Thought:

Simply being a student-athlete isn’t enough.  The NCAA alone has nearly 500,000 student-athletes. Common phrases like commitment and teamwork won’t cut it.  Connect with your unique experience and challenge yourself to articulate the journey. It’s worth the investment.

While today’s newsletter focused on student-athletes, I think we can all learn from Mark’s insight. Being smart, hardworking, and passionate aren’t enough to separate ourselves.  We must be willing to go deep. Doing the work allows us to align with people and organizations who will enhance our life. I’m more convinced than ever that “fit” matters.  We can either hope we align or be intentional about building our future.

Reflection Question:

How can you better articulate your unique life-experiences?

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George, The Coach is Going to Play His Best Players

A friend told me a story that I’d like to share.

George was a freshmen collegiate baseball player.  He believed he was having a strong fall season.  In his teams first doubleheader George did not play in game one, and the 1st baseman who he was behind went 0-4 with three strikeouts.  In game two, he did not start either, but he did come off the bench and went 2-2.  His team had another game the following week.  In his mind, he had a great week of practice and was ready to be the starter.

When the lineup was posted for the final game of the fall, George was once again not in the lineup.  To make matters worse, he didn’t even get an at-bat.  Mad, frustrated, and embarrassed, George made a phone call to his father that evening.  “Dad, I’m twice as good as him (referring to his teammate).”  George went on and on stating all of the reasons he was better.  His father’s comment has stuck with him for over 25 years – his dad calmly said, “Come on, George.” With a slight chuckle he finished, “The Coach is going to play his best players.  I’ll talk to you next week when you’re done feeling sorry for yourself.” 

Avoid the Habitual Gripers:

Before my freshmen year at Marietta College, I received a letter from the legendary, Don Schaly.  The letter was brilliant.  In great depth, Coach described the challenges that lie ahead.  He stated that there would be times of failure and hardship.  In those moments, he challenged to “avoid the habitual gripers” that would be lurking in those difficult times.  These people would make you feel good in the short term, but would not be successful in the program.  It was as accurate as it was harsh.

Kids Nowadays:

We hear it all the time, how kids have changed.  They are entitled, only care about themselves and they pout if they don’t get what they want.  I disagree.  During my playing career I can remember some great people and competitors who were extremely displeased with a coach’s decision.  I, myself, wasn’t immune to showing displeasure. There are times that I regret my attitude and reaction to failure and negative events.  The group of “gripers” were attractive and welcoming at those moments.  Luckily, like George, I had parents that wouldn’t allow me loathe in self-pity.

It’s very natural for competitors to be hurt and even display moments of bad behavior when things don’t go their way.  It’s part of the growth process.  The key is having a support system, typically led by parents or guardians, who don’t allow the spiral to continue.  The support system displays love but does not enable.  It’s not the kids who have changed; instead, it is their support system.

Thoughts for Parents:

Over the last two weeks I’ve had three people reach out to me asking for advice.  Their stories were similar with the premise being their sons were not getting the playing time or role for their respective basketball teams.  Being a parent myself, I can empathize with their pain.  We all want our kids to be happy, especially when they have worked really hard.

I acknowledged that their child is going through a difficult time; however, it is an experience that is extremely common.  Almost every athlete, even the elite of the elite, goes through this process at some point.  It happens at different levels: for some in middle school, for others not until the professional ranks.  The timing doesn’t matter; it is equally as difficult.

In my opinion, this is a critical moment for the young person’s development.  Remember, your child will have a group of “gripers” they can turn to.  As parents, we must avoid being included in this group.  Sure, it will provide short-term comfort, but it won’t help them in the long run.  More than likely this will be very tough on you.  Your child may even be mad that you are not supporting them.  In actuality, you are showing the greatest level of love and caring by allowing the process to play out.  In the long run, trust that you are doing an incredible service to your child.

Thoughts for Coaches:

George’s story was powerful for me as a coach.  Let’s face it, there is more pressure than ever from parents.  As a steward of the lessons that can be learned in sports, it’s the coach’s responsibility to play the most deserving players.  And, yes, this doesn’t always mean the hardest working or the “best kid.”  The hardest working and greatest attitudes may not get the immediate benefit (like playing time) but they will reap long-term rewards.  Coaches must lean into the uncomfortable decisions even if that means more headaches and potentially losing their job.

Final Thought:

George credits his dad’s courage to have the difficult conversation with his future success as an athlete and person.  It empowered him to take ownership.  When things did not go his way he worked harder and smarter to increase his role.  This mindset allowed him to persevere and overcome obstacles.  It also made him grow up – his dad wasn’t going to fight his battles.

On the surface, today’s article is about athletes’ inability to accept ownership and the importance of their support system to “call them out” on occasion.  But there’s more.  Every time I speak, I often hear, “I wish my son and daughter were here.  They need this.”  This is understandable; the message does revolve around sports.

The challenge this week, however, is to attempt to hear George’s dad in your own life.  Maybe we need to reexamine or redefine our definition of “support.” Sometimes we need to hear, “Come on Mike, the boss is going to promote her best employee.”  Or, “Come on, you’re not getting the health results because of your diet and exercise.”

Have you blamed others for poor results recently?  Have other people’s attitudes been the problem not yours?  I’ve found it’s common and easier to blame others instead of taking ownership. However, taking ownership moves us from a victim role (reactive) to an empowered role (proactive) – now we have the ability to improve what we can control.

This week, I will challenge myself to take full ownership of my lot in life.  I will avoid the “habitual gripers” knowing they won’t be successful and happy in the long run.  No excuses.  No complaining. In addition, I will have the courage to challenge those I love when they are in the self-loathing state.

I hope you join me in the journey.  Let’s make it a great week,

Mike

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Wrestling with Judgment

This fall, Clemson football coach, Dabo Swinney, was facing an extremely tough decision.  His senior starting quarterback, Kelly Bryant, was playing well and owned a career 16-2 record as a starter.  Bryant was the back-up quarterback his freshmen and sophomore seasons to the magnificent DeShaun Watson.  Complicating matters was the arrival of true freshmen Trevor Lawrence.  The number one high school quarterback in the nation, Lawrence has the look of an elite NFL player: 6’6 with incredible arm talent and the swagger to match.  To start the season, Bryant was the starter but the freshmen Lawrence was getting significant game repetitions.

After the fourth game of the season, a 49-21 drumming of Georgia Tech, Coach Swinney announced they were making a switch at the quarterback position: Lawrence was named the starter.  A visibly shaken Swinney spoke with incredible vulnerability at the Monday press conference.

“It’s a bad day to be the head coach. Because I love Kelly.  It was emotional.  Emotional for him.  Tough day.  Because he’s played well and there’s not a guy that’s been, as long as I’ve been here, more committed to this program as Kelly Bryant.  There’s not a better leader.  The guy’s the epitome of what you want.  He’s what you want your son to be like.  I love him like a son.  So, it was a very difficult conversation and he’s very disappointed.”

Can you imagine being Coach Swinney?  Please don’t think in terms of a fan; instead, consider this from the human side.  Bryant has been in your organization for years, he accepted a glamour less position (backup quarterback), delivered strong results when given an opportunity (16-2), he’s a hard worker, great leader, and you love him like a son.  However, your judgement says the green first-year player is better for the job.  What do you do?

Rumbling with Judgement:

“I’m glad God ain’t a coach.  As a coach, you have to be critical.  Rank people. It’s hard man.  I’m thankful God ain’t that way.”  Dabo Swinney

I’m writing this article for any coach, manager, leader who rumbles with the idea of being judgmental.  Every leader I’ve met has struggled at points in their career with who to promote, who to play, what grade to give, how to distribute bonuses—the list goes on and on.

To make matters worse, the more elite the organization the tougher the decisions.  Think about the razor’s edge line that separates the competitor at a football program like Clemson.  It is no different than high-end talent in corporate America; almost every person within the organization is smart and hardworking.

If we accept the responsibility of leadership, difficult decisions accompany the position.  It’s a major part of sitting in the “Big Seat.”  Former Chairman and CEO of Intel, Andrew S. Grove, states in his timeless book, High Output Management, “We managers are required by the organization that employees us to make a judgment regarding a fellow worker and then deliver that judgement to him face-to-face.”

While there is no easy way to make difficult decisions there are some ways to help deal with the process.  First, I thought I would list a few ways leaders CANNOT make a decision.

What the Decision CANNOT BE ABOUT:

  1. Liking or Not Liking: the decision can never be personal. In coaching, while you may have different relationships with kids, you care about all your players.  The degree to which your personality connects or doesn’t connect can never dictate your decision.
  2. Potential with no results: There will always be players and employees with all the smarts and skills but they are not producing. At some point it has to be about results and not potential.
  3. Hard Work: hard work is a loose term. First, in most high functioning organizations hard work is common.   Second, someone can think they are working hard and they are either really not or they can be working on the wrong thing.  Regardless, hard work alone is not reason enough to promote or play someone.
  4. Age or Seniority: Seniority alone isn’t enough. Sure, the experience should help, but it doesn’t guarantee you a bigger role.  As legendary Cal Rugby coach, Jack Miller says, “all that matters is who can ball. Right here in this moment.”
  5. Comfort or what’s safe: “A decision like that could cost me my job.” Playing it safe and small should never be the reason for making a decision. If I’m going down, I’m going down with what I believe is right, not comfortable.

Three ways to Assist with Decision Making

  1. Clarity is King: Front loading the goals, objectives, measurable information and expectations are critical. Great leaders avoid being vague; instead, they are relentless with communicating both the goals of the organization and the expectations for the individual.  This can and should be accomplished in multiple ways but well planned one-on-one meetings is a powerful way to articulate the position of the organization.
  2. Discuss Results: If a strong job was performed articulating the goals, then discussing the results sans emotions is much easier. For example, discussing measureable date: speed, strength, on-base- percentage, and strike out rate are factual figures.  Sure, numbers can be debated but, for the most part, arguing numbers sounds a lot like excuse making.  Clear, accurate data helps make sound decisions.
  3. Using your professional judgment. This is where it gets tough for many.  One year we had a freshman who hit .180 in the fall.  He didn’t deliver the results.  However, every coach felt he was one of our best players.  I made the decision to start him based on mine and our staff’s professional judgment.  Numbers will tell a part of the story, but the human element will always be there.  A leader isn’t paid to simply analyze the numbers.  They are paid to make the decision that is best for the organization.

To Parents:

Sure, there are people in coaching positions that shouldn’t be.  However, the vast majority of coaches are good people who care deeply about the kids in their programs.  Their position requires them to be “judgmental.”  It’s tough.  They have to do what they believe is best.  Very rarely is it personal.  Coaches have different ways to assist them in making sound decisions.  For me, I am obsessed with making sure our players know there are no favorites.  I keep my head down around parents the majority of times- it can look “standoffish.” I know my weaknesses.  I just can’t allow parents feelings to affect my judgement.  Your child’s coach may have her own method that doesn’t make sense to you.  It’s ok.  Just understand they are human and trying to do what’s best.  That’s it.

Final Thought:

Over the years, I have agonized over the idea of being judgmental.  There have been several times I have come home and asked my wife, “Am I still a good person?”  I don’t like the part of the job that requires me to rank and critically evaluate.  Like Coach Swinney said, those are the times when it stinks being a leader.

I want to say thank you to all the leaders wrestling with judgement.  When times get tough, and they certainly will, remember that it’s not you it’s the position you hold.  If you were to step down tomorrow, you would not alleviate the struggle it would just be passed on to someone else.  Stay in the mud.  Stick with it.  Wrestle with the decision and do what you believe is right.  The world needs caring and thoughtful leaders.  Critics rarely know what it’s like to be in the arena.  Not all feedback is created equal.  You are not alone.   I’ll keep doing my very best if you’ll do the same.

Make it a great week.

Mike

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Run Your Own Race

In 1997 two McDonald’s All-Americans stepped on Dukes’ campus.  Shane Battier, was named the high school player of the year out of Detroit Country Day in Michigan.  The other player was reigning Mr. Basketball of New York, Elton Brand.  Both players eventually became National Players of the Year.  Their paths to achievement, however, were quite different.

Elton Brand was an immediate impact player.  Below are his statistics.

 

Elton Brand Team Record Points Rebounds Assists
1997-‘98 32-4 13.4 7.3 0.5
1998-‘99 37-2 17.7 9.8 1.1

 

Following the 1998-’99 seasons Elton Brand was the National Player of the Year.  He declared himself eligible for the NBA draft.  He was the number one pick overall by the Chicago Bulls.

Shane Battier had a different path.  The more accomplished high school player didn’t find immediate success. Here are his first two seasons.

 

Shane Battier Team Record Points Rebounds Assists
1997-‘98 32-4 7.6 6.4 1.1
1998-‘99 37-2 9.1 4.9 1.5

Battier stayed at Duke for his junior and senior years.  His production greatly increased.  His senior concluded with being named National Player of the Year.  In addition, the Blue Devils were crowned National Champs.  Following the season, Battier was selected 6th overall in the NBA draft by the Miami Heat.

 

“Run Your Own Race”

Every year, Mike Krzyzewski, has the tough challenge of trying to get elite talent to work together toward team goals.  Managing egos is a big part of his job.  Athletes with elite talent and pedigree are accustomed to being the star.  When they are surrounded by other stars they are often forced to take a lesser role.  Also making this challenging is they observe other players excelling while they are struggling.  To help combat the mental strain that often accompanies internal competition Coach K educates his athletes to “run their own race.”

“We tell each player that comes in each of you run your own race, and collectively we run a team race.  If Shane Battier was running Elton Brand’s race he would have been disappointed.  Kids come along different: some faster than stop.  Some slower then fast; some fast and never stop.  Don’t gauge yourself on how someone else is doing.  Gauge yourself on how you are doing.”- Coach Mike Krzyzewski

Inner Space vs. Outer Space

I strongly encourage you to run your own race. If you haven’t figured it out yet, there will be things you can control and things you cannot; there will be an inner space and outer space.  Your inner space consists of your effort, attitude, work-ethic, coach-ability; things within your control.  Outer space, on the other hand, are things out of your control: playing time; what others are saying; friends and family; etc. If you choose to focus on the outer space, you are running the wrong race.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen a first-year athlete step on campus and have a ton of success.  Someone in their same class, for whatever reason, doesn’t have the same positive experience in that first year.  Oftentimes it’s simply situational: the team has a need in the post; therefore, the 6’8 player gets an opportunity and the 5’10 guard doesn’t.  Sometimes it’s physical and mental maturity.  Other times, the coaching staff makes a mistake.  Regardless of the reason, it doesn’t matter.  The examples I listed are outer space items.  They are not within the athlete’s control.  Focusing, or obsessing, upon things that cannot be controlled are the demise of an athlete’s career.

Over time, the cream rises to the top.  The freshman who has a ton of success in year one isn’t guaranteed the same success in subsequent years.  In fact, it’s common for the person who finds instant success to get passed by players who had lesser roles earlier in their careers.  The sooner the athlete realizes to focus on their inner space, things directly in their control, the more full-filling career they will experience.

Final Comparison:

Elton Brand finished his 17 year NBA Career in 2015-2016.  During that time, he earned $169,229,324.  He had an amazing career averaging 15.9ppg and 8.5 rebounds.  He never won an NCAA or NBA Championship.

Shane Battier, retired after 13 seasons following the 2013-2014 season.  His career earnings were $56,569,622.  He averaged 8.6ppg and 4.2 rebounds while capturing an NCAA championship in 2001 and an NBA Championship in 2012.

Should Battier look at his career as a failure? He ONLY made 56 million in his career.  Also, his stat line wasn’t nearly as impressive as Brand’s.  What about Brand? Yes, he made a ton of money and had great statistics but he never won a championship.  Aren’t great athletes remembered by rings?

“Comparison is the Thief of Joy”

Do you see how silly this sounds?  Both men had amazing careers.  Think about how often we get caught up in needless comparisons.  “They live in a nicer neighborhood.”  “Our kids are better behaved.”  “Did you see where they vacationed?”

Why are we so worried about what others are doing?  We spend an extraordinary amount of time comparing ourselves to others.  This mindset limits us in many ways; it robs us of happiness.

This week, let’s make a commitment to run our own race.  Focus on your inner space and not your outer space.

 

Mike

To watch Coach K describe “Running Your Own Race” watch this video from “What Drives Winning.”

“How to Stop Comparing and Start Competing”

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Parental Guilt: How to Deal with the Guilt of Missing Events

My 8-year old son had a baseball tournament last Sunday.  I was able to watch the first game, but I had to miss the rest of the day.  As I was leaving the field I felt terribly guilty.  First, I was missing his game.  Second, I was leaving my wife to take care of our three young daughters.  As I took the walk of shame to my car, I began wondering, “Is it o.k. to miss your child’s games and events?”

If you attend a youth event you will usually find parents intensely watching.  It’s not only games, eager guardians attend practices too.  Currently, there is an unspoken “peer pressure” to always be in attendance.  I’ll be honest, I miss a lot of events.

I decided to write this article for anyone who has, or is, struggling with parental guilt.  Call it self-justification if you’d like, but I believe it is o.k. to not always attend your child’s activities.  In fact, I believe it contains many benefits.

It helps them understand the world does not revolve around them. 

I was speaking with a father who told me his son wanted to play travel baseball.  Travel baseball is a time and financial commitment.  After much debate, the father allowed his son to play, but he explained to him that he and his mother would not be attending many games. The parents would support their son’s desire to play but it was not going to alter everyone’s life.  Commitment was also important to this family; consequently, dad told the young man that they were going to keep the family vacation as scheduled and he would not be able to attend this year.

Reading this may sound extreme.  I think it is brilliant.  The parents allowed their son to make a choice.  Life is full of difficult choices.

It’s good for kids to see that the world does not revolve around their events.  Mom and dad have to work.  Mom and dad, believe it our not, have activities they also enjoy.  Their siblings have activities too. In some way, it helps the child understand that they are not the center of the universe.

They get to share the experience through their eyes.

I’m a coach.  A lot of what I do is analyzing.  Confession: I find myself analyzing and judging the play an 8-year old (I know, it’s pathetic).  It is a hard habit to break.  When watching my son play I often find myself in “coach mode” and guess who gets the brunt of my focus? You guessed it–my son.  “Why didn’t you back up there?”  “Always run hard.”  “Do you think you could have knocked that ball down?”

When I miss a game one of my favorite things to do is ask my son about the experience.  This past week, I asked him about his game.  “B, made a great catch and we got a double play to end the game.  It was awesome!”

What if I would have been at the game?  Would I have focused on the success of his teammates and how fun it was?  Or, would I have critiqued his mistakes?  I think you know the answer.

Hearing your child share the experience through their eyes is priceless.  Adults explain the game through a misguided lens.  Sure, it is important the kids improve and learn “adult” lessons from time to time.  But, it is a beautiful to listen to the child’s account of the game.

It helps you appreciate them more.

It is tough for me to attend events from February-June.  I do, however, have the flexibility to make it from time to time.  Over the years, I have learned that I watch the kids’ events in a much less heightened state during my busy time of year.  In other words, when I am able to attend I watch with much more appreciation.  It’s their activity; I get to enjoy watching them.  Instead of observing to critique, I find myself in a state of amazement and gratitude.

What If:

Why are we so obsessed with attending all of our kid’s events?  I can’t speak for everyone, but my guess is the majority of us worry that by not being present we will be causing harm.  We worry that we are not being supportive of their hopes, dreams and passions. We need to keep up with all the other parents.

What if we are actually helping our children by not attending?  What if they are becoming stronger, more independent, and learning to enjoy the activity?  Is it possible that this guilt is completely unnecessary?

Final Thoughts:

There is nothing like the love of a parent.  It is powerful.  You want to do everything to ensure your children live a happy, a healthy and a meaningful life.  This love and desire can lead to irrational thoughts and behaviors.  This can lead to a false belief that missing an event somehow damages the child. I don’t believe this is the case.  I talk to our kids when I am going to miss: “Daddy won’t be there, but I can’t wait to hear all about it.”  Our kids are fine with this.

Of course, I don’t have the answers.  Time will tell.  I just know that I love my family dearly; even if I have to miss their performances from time to time.

My best to you this week,

Mike

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Speaking Greatness into Others

Recently, NBA TV showed a video montage of Steve Kerr interacting with his star player, Steph Curry.  In the clips, you see Coach Kerr discussing Curry’s value to the team despite his poor shooting statistics during the game.  “You’re doing great stuff out there.  The tempo is so different when you’re out there.  Everything you generate is so positive for us.” The clips also showed Kerr praising Curry’s courage to keep shooting despite poor results.  Steve Kerr was speaking greatness into his star-player.

Steve Kerr Speaking Greatness

It’s amazing, as a full-grown adult I can still vividly recall situations where people have spoken greatness into me.  Here are three examples:

  • As a teenager my father used to tell me that I was special and had much to share. He warned me that others will turn to drugs and alcohol for attention.  Dad explained that I was a “natural leader” and I didn’t need those things to stand out.  Instead of the typical threats and intimidation tactics many fathers use, my father chose to speak greatness.
  • I didn’t get to play a lot during my freshmen year in college. In addition, there were a lot of great players returning the next year.  In my exit interview the head coach, Don Schaly, spoke greatness.  He explained how impressed he was with my attitude and ability.  “I don’t know how, but the cream will rise to the top.  And, I believe in you.”  Enough said.  That vote of confidence was the impetus to spark my career.
  • Like many athletes, my identity was often tied to my performance. I did o.k. at school but I never flourished.  My senior year I took a Business Communication course with Dr. Mabry O’Donnell.  “O” was tough; she demanded your best effort.  After one speech I presented to the class she wrote on my evaluation, “Outstanding job.  You have the presence of a CEO.”  Wow!  This one comment breathed life into me. She spoke greatness into a student who really needed it.

How have you used your words recently?   The people that I mentioned have little, or no idea the positive impact they left on me.   Speaking greatness is rarely rehearsed; instead, it is a way of life.  If we choose to purposely live our life from a place of empathy and kindness our impact is organic.  If we can suppress our ego, we can become genuinely happy for others. We become a positive life force.

This week I will be more aware of my words and the impact they have on others.  I will look for opportunities to encourage and compliment others on their journey.  Please join me on the mission.

Make it a great week,

Mike

Update: 

My “One-Word” for 2018 is Presence.  This year I plan to be better at “being where my feet are.”  With that being said, the next four months are my peak season.  My writings will be less this time of year.  So many of you have “spoken greatness” to me on my writing and speaking pursuit.  Thank you all so much.

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Competition: What the National Championship Taught me about Competing

Competere vs. Competition:

The Oxford Dictionary defines competition as: the activity or condition of striving to gain or win something by defeating or establishing superiority over others.  The synonyms are: rivalry, competitiveness, vying, contesting, opposition, contention, conflict, feuding, battling, fighting, struggling, strife, war.

This is the common understanding of competition: me against you.  I win. You lose.  Now more than ever we are obsessed with “getting what we deserve.”  We are in competition with everyone and everything.  Who has the better job? Better car? Better family? Nicer home? Smarter kids?  The list goes on and on.

The word compete comes from the Latin word competere: to seek together, from Latin com- + petere  to come together, agree, to go to.  Brett Ledbetter, founder of What Drives Winning, challenges us to look at competition as “striving together to improve.”

A Lesson From Jalen Hurts and Tua Tagovailoa:

Jalen Hurts entered last week’s National Championship game with a 25-2 career record.  His backup, Tua Tagovailoa, was the #1 ranked quarterback in the 2017 class.  At halftime, Alabama was struggling.  They trailed Georgia 13-0.  The Crimson Tide Head Coach, Nick Saban, made the bold decision to replace Hurts with the true freshmen Tagovailoa.  Tagovailoa did not disappoint, he led the Tide to a 26-23 thrilling overtime victory.

What I appreciated most was the interactions between Hurts and Tagovailoa.  These are two ELITE level athletes.  Hurts is a physical specimen, and a proven winner.  Tagovailoa appears to have the talent and mindset of a NFL quarterback.   Powerful egos usually accompany such strong skill sets.  After halftime, you saw the two men embrace several times.  Hurts, the mentor, there to assist the talented true freshmen every step of the way.  After the game Tagovailoa stated that Hurts was the one who, “lead the team to a National Championship.”

This is what high-level internal competition looks like- two people who are personally driven to help the group reach their mission.  It’s not about any one individual; instead, it is the team.

A Thought For Parents:

Basketball season is in full swing and the beginning of baseball is on the horizon.  Now is a great opportunity to help your child distinguish between the different definitions of competition.  We can become consumed with internal competition and a negative environment gets created.  “Are you going to start?” “Why is John getting more shots than you?”  This hurts your child’s relationships and ultimately their experience.

What if you approached things differently?  Instead of asking questions that focus on their specific role ask questions about the team.  “How is the team looking?”  “Are you working hard to ensure the team reaches their goals?”  Or, “have you helped anyone get better?”

I know this is difficult and not common.  From experience, I can tell you that the athletes that focus on helping the group have a much better experience than the ones who are solely focused on “getting theirs.”

Final Thought:

We cannot be afraid of competition.  Higher level sports and business are about striving to win.  We can’t shy away from that.  What we can do is form a healthy way of looking at competition.  Instead of hoping and wishing ill of others realize that your competitor’s growth is actually helping you.  As they improve so do you, and vice versa.

Two elite level athletes, Jalen Hurts and Tua Tagovailoa, gave us a great example of what internal competition is really all about.  As a result of the way they handled a tough situation both can be called National Champions.

Make it a great week,

Mike

 

 

 

 

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