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Attempting to Define Happiness

In 2013 I read an article about the Pittsburgh Pirates manager, Clint Hurdle.  It wasn’t your typical sports column: it talked about Clint’s  daily inspirational messages, the love for his family, and his past struggles.  In the article, there was a quote from John Lennon that is displayed in the Pirate skipper’s office:

“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.” – John Lennon

Boom! The light bulb went off for me.  For years I had similar thoughts and feelings.  The Hurdle article and Lennon quote provided clarity: I wanted to be happy.

Misconceptions About Happiness:

When you talk about love or happiness people get uncomfortable.  They think these terms are “soft.”  Actually, it takes incredible toughness to pursue happiness.

I can’t tell you, or anyone for that matter, how to be happy.  It takes self-awareness and the courage to take a deep, sometimes painful, dive into yourself.

I do know that our society often paints a false picture of happiness.  In our country, status, wealth, celebrity, accumulation of possessions– things centered around the ego–are considered success.  We believe that being the star player, the CEO, the movie star will make us happy.  This is a big lie.

For me I had to identify things that I thought would make me happy but weren’t providing the return.

  1. Circumstances: Like most people I believed, “If I just made more money I would be happy.”  Or, “If I lived in a better climate things would be perfect.”  So many of us, me included, have the belief that circumstances dictate our happiness.  I’ve met a lot of people, who on the surface, have “everything” and they are miserable.  On the other hand, I’ve met people who have very little in terms of material things who exude joy.  Relying on circumstances to determine our mood is dangerous.
  2. Ease or Comfort: I believe the obstacles and challenges are what makes life great.  Personally, I am not my best in times of comfort. I feel most alive when I’m outside of my comfort zone; creating, trying, and failing.  Most people are pain adverse; we’ll go to great lengths to stay safe.  We’ll do the same thing for our children.  However, the strenuous life is were we find the greatest rewards.

Happiness:

As I mentioned earlier, happiness is a personal journey.  What makes one person happy will not make another one happy.  You must do the hard work to self-analyze and see what truly brings you joy.  Like you, I’m still on my personal discovery of self-mastery.  Here is a present list that brings me contentment.

  1. Pursuit of a worthy goal: “for success, like happiness, cannot be pursued, it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one’s dedication to a greater cause than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself”- Victor Frankl.  This is why I’m such an advocate for teams and team sports.  Sports provide the platform to lose yourself in the team.  There are great personal rewards in this.
  2. Being Healthy: Living good, eating and sleeping right.  Movement is incredibly important to my mental well-being.  When I am eating poorly and inactive my mental is off.  It is important to remember the power of moving the body.
  3. Displaying Courage.  There are many ways to show an act of courage; physical challenges, mental challenges or simply stepping out of your comfort zone.  I feel a rush when I step out on the edge and overcome fear.
  4. Growth: Continual improvement is critical.  If I become stagnant or complacent my mood sours.  Relaxing is not good for me; instead, I prefer the term recovery.  Recovery for me involves reading, writing and in-depth conversations.  Sitting idle doesn’t do it for me.
  5. Rhythm in Life: I love my job and I also love my family.  Both of these “loves” are time demanding.  It’s impossible to strike a balance.  There are times when I am “all in” with work and not as present with my wife and kids.  We are good with this.  There is a point, however, where it’s necessary to be “all in” at home.  If this rhythm is extremely interrupted, on either end, my happiness is compromised.
  6. Service to others: I find the old saying, “it’s better to give than receive” true.  I’ve lost count, but my “guestimation,” this is my 100th newsletter.  I am far from a natural writer; it takes me a long time to craft an article.  What keeps me going is the satisfaction in hearing from others how much they enjoy reading.  It’s my small way of giving back. It fills my bucket with joy.

Conclusion:

I hope in 2018 you continue your pursuit of true happiness.  You are the only one who knows what will make you happy.  Please be cautious of the ego-driven pursuit of things.  I’d recommend pursing experiences instead.

It’s funny how life works.  Roughly four years after reading the article about Clint Hurdle I know consider him a mentor and friend.  Hanging in my office now is the same John Lennon Quote about “Happiness.”

May your 2018 be full of challenges and fun,

Mike

P.S. To help you continue in your pursuit of self-awareness I highly recommend Victor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning.”

 

 

 

 

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Developing a Personal Philosophy: Four Steps to Create Clarity

I am helping coach an 8u fall baseball team.  The game of baseball is important to me; however, the life-lessons sport can teach are even more meaningful.  We’ve all either witnessed or heard horror stories of youth athletics. Instead of being a judge, I wanted to get involved.  My friend is the head coach and I agreed to assist.  Everything was going smoothly at first.  Then we found ourselves in a situation.

The league our team plays in is “machine pitch.”  Our boys have struggled at times adjusting to the machine.  We were scrimmaging a team from another league that plays “coach pitch.”  We agreed before the game that we would use the machine and they could have a coach pitch to their team.  Well, like it often does, the game became competitive.  We found ourselves down four runs.  The other team’s fans were excited and our fans were encouraging our boys as well.  The moment came where we had the thought, “what if we switched for the last few innings and let our boys hit off a coach instead of the machine?”  We were the better team.  Our egos (players, parents and coaches) were on the line.

This was one of those “in the moment” decisions.  Fortunately for us, at the start of the season we sent out an email that clearly stated our coaching philosophy and objectives.  Here is the full note:

Hi Everyone:
Thanks for allowing us to work with your sons this fall.  I am helping Rolly with the organization and instruction of the team.  We have a few goals for this fall:

1. Have Fun: You will notice that we will move the kids around.  We want the boys to experience playing different positions.  It is also enjoyable to be competitive.  With that being said, we will attempt to play the kids in spots where they can be successful.  Every game we will have the innings planned out.  Winning is not our priority.  We will stick to the plan regardless of the game situation.  If you would like to see your son at a particular position, please let us know and we will do what we can to accommodate.
2. Encourage Good Sportsmanship: We will look for teachable moments.  We expect the boys to hustle on and off the field.  We want them to avoid showing outward displays of negative emotions.  Also, we want them to be great teammates.  We really think this will help them in many ways.
3.  Learn Something: It’s been my experience with this age group that too many instructions can actually be damaging. We will look to give them lots of repetitions and allow them to learn and adapt.

Thanks again for participating this fall.  Please feel free to contact me if you have questions or concerns.

Mike

Personal Philosophy:
One of my favorite podcast is “Finding Mastery: Conversations with Michael Gervais.”  If you are interested in listening to rich conversations with leaders in business, education, leadership and sport I would highly recommend it.  Recently, Gervais was a guest on another one of my favorite Podcast: “The School of Greatness” hosted by Lewis Howes.  Gervais discussed the importance of having a personal philosophy.  Please reflect for a moment, if you were asked, “Tell me what you are all about?” Or, “who are you,” would you be able to give a clear answer?  Most people struggle with this; if you lack clarity you are not alone.  So, why is it important to have a personal philosophy? Because, if we don’t know ourselves we cannot effectively lead and serve others.

According to Gervais, the key is to, “align our thoughts, words and actions.”  Our personal philosophy is always evolving.  Here are four tips, inspired by Gervais, to help you clarify your philosophy.

  1.  Be Around Wise People: Proximity is power.  Seek out a mentor who embodies the values and characteristics that you admire.  On a personal note, this has been critical in my development.  By approaching life with a “white belt mentality” I’ve attracted many different people, from all walks of life, that have made a significant impact.  Who do I admire most?  I gravitate to those who pursue excellence in their craft and they integrate their families into their profession.  I admire people who are aware of their legacy, seek progress, and strive to make a positive difference.
  2. Write: My first “blog post” was in November of 2015; however, I have been writing regularly for nearly 15 years.  Putting pen to paper has an amazing way of providing clarity.  Challenge yourself this week: force yourself to write one paragraph on something important to you.  If we can’t put our thoughts onto paper, we lack clarity.
  3. Listening-Mindfulness Practice: Gervais recommends creating the time and space to listen to our thoughts.  Listening to the answer of “who am I” can take us on a challenging and rewarding journey.  The idea of mindfulness is hard for me.  Currently, I am exploring the art of meditation.  I recently started a 10-day free trial on “Head Space.”  If anyone has thoughts or suggestions on ways to assist in this journey, please let me know.
  4. Make a List: If you are having trouble getting started make a list of people who inspire you and write down the characteristics you admire most about them.  Through this exercise, your values and objectives will become clear.

Leadership Thought:
How can we effectively lead others if we lack clarity in our personal philosophy?  Once we get clear in who we are, then we can lead with conviction.  Before you dismiss this week’s newsletter, please consider for a moment the most influential leaders in history.  Most change agents, the one’s who have the greatest impact on society, are the ones who were crystal clear in their mission.  They knew their life philosophy and were able to lead with confidence in times of adversity.  We know that leadership is hard. We are faced with challenges and tough decisions daily.  If we lack a philosophy life will push us around.  Those who “know thyself” will have the strength to weather life’s storms.

Conclusion:
Despite of the external pressure, our coaching philosophy of fun, sportsmanship, and development allowed us to make a sound decision.  We made the right call and stuck with the pitching machine.  Our boys found a way to score four runs in the last inning and the game finished in a tie.  Our philosophy empowered us to “stay above the line” when the situation wanted us to bend.

This week, let’s do the hard work.  Most people never address their “baggage” and they pass their fears and insecurities onto to those they lead.  Getting to know ourselves will allow us to lead authentically.  It’s the edge we need.  More importantly, it’s the edge our children, students, and colleagues deserve.

Make it a great week,

Mike

P.S. I would love to hear your personal philosophy.  Please send me an email so we can share ideas.

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Sport Parents: Five Things to Consider For The Parent of a Collegiate Athlete

Congratulations! Your child is going to college and attempting to play a collegiate sport.  What an exciting time.  While there is cause for celebration, I wanted to let you know that challenging times are ahead.  Playing a collegiate sport is hard.  Being a parent of a child playing a collegiate sport can be even harder; if you let it.  There are no shortages of stories of parents and coaches not getting along.  It doesn’t have to be this way.  In fact, in the vast majority of cases, both the coach and parent have the best interest of the young person in mind.

Today, I will provide some information and give a few tips. The collegiate game is completely different than travel sports.  In many ways, parents are set up for failure.  The rules have changed and no one has told them.  My hope is to shed some light on what things will be like moving forward.  Some things may resonate with you, while others will not.  This is meant to help, and it is in no way meant to be demeaning.  I know my limitations; I am not in a position to tell you how to parent.  The thoughts below are from 20 years of being in collegiate athletics and observing both positive and negative parental experiences.  I hope you enjoy.

1. “Release the Experience:” This is your child’s experience not yours. Remove “we” from your vocabulary: “we’ve worked hard to be in this situation.” Or, “we’ve had hitting/pitching lessons since he was ten.”  This isn’t a shared experience.  Understand that your experience will be in 2D while his will be in 3D.  He is immersed in culture; as a parent, you can only observe and hear accounts of the events.  That is not the same as being there every day; living and breathing it.   Let them own it completely.  All the success, strife, and failure are his.

What about if she is not getting along with the coach? Not getting along with people is part of life.  Isn’t this a great time to say, “Figure it out.” Please don’t call a coach about playing time.  This is not for the coach, it’s for her.  It severely damages the relationship.  Part of trust is being transparent; having conversations without her present is not fair to her.

Tip: Stay Busy- parents get in trouble when they become consumed with their son/daughter’s playing career.  Pour yourself into a new personal challenge.  Remind yourself that the best days are still in front of you and that the collegiate experience is your child’s; not yours.

2. Understand Your Limitations: You love your child.  You’ve watched them grow and develop.  You know their whole story; the obstacles they have faced and overcome.  It is impossible for you to objectively evaluate them.  Here’s the good part, you are not alone.  I’ve seen long-time coaches who are fair and objective of other people’s kids be completely biased with their own child.  Even people who do this for a living can’t separate the two!  Parents get in trouble when they start trying to evaluate.

Tip: Refrain from the common response, “I know he’s my son, but I know he should be playing.” Remember, you are seeing things in 2D not 3D.  Never speak negatively about another player.  That is a bad look.  Also, give yourself a break, you should be blinded by the love of your child.

3. Winning Matters: Collegiate sports are not about exposure they are about striving for excellence and winning.  This is a paradigm shift for many.  You won’t be able to ask the collegiate coach, “when will Johnny be throwing this weekend?”  His playing time will be earned and dictated by the situation the game presents.  At times, this will seem unfair. Fair or unfair, this is going to happen.  The coach cannot make decisions trying to make everyone happy; that is a rabbit-hole they cannot go down.  The focus is no longer on individual exposure; instead, it is on putting the team in the best position to win.

Tip: After a defeat, give the team some space. It is important to give the players and coaches time to decompress. Understand that a lot has gone into the event and emotions may be high. Send your child a message; plan to connect later instead of right outside of the dugout. Remember, winning matters at this level.

4. Support but Don’t Enable: Your child is entering a competitive environment.  This environment will knock them out of their comfort zone.  There will be moments of weakness where they will make excuses.  There may be times when they want to quit; the desire to “tap out” is not uncommon.  Derek Jeter, known for his mental toughness, called home every day crying his first-year in professional baseball.  This challenge is overwhelming even to all-time greats!  Living outside of the comfort zone is tough, but it is also where growth occurs.

Tip: This is a great opportunity for tough love. When they bring you a complaint just, say “Good.” (Jocko Podcast) “If it were easy everyone would be doing it.” “Did you expect this to be all roses?” “I love you, but this is the time where you display grit.”  Resist the urge to try to fix the problem for them.

5. 10-80-10 Rule: I can promise you this, wherever your child attends school there will be really good players.  Roughly 10% of players will find immediate success; their talent level will be noticeably higher than everyone else.  They are easy to spot.  Another 10% will be extremely far behind.  They are equally as noticeable.  The rest will fall into the “magnetic middle”; which is where 80% of the players reside.  This means that the differences between the players in this category are extremely narrow.  I don’t know how, but typically the cream will rise to the top.  The people in this group who stand out are the ones who are consistent in their approach to school, athletics and life in general.  Rewards for this group can be slow; the game doesn’t have an exact timetable.  All I know is that the athletes who pay attention to the game will reap the benefits.  It may not be exactly what they envisioned, but the game will reward them in various ways.

Tip: Play the percentages; there is a high probability that your child will be in the 80% category.  Prepare yourself mentally; I cannot overstate how important this is.  Your child’s journey will be full of valleys and peaks. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do to help.  If it stays important to them, the chances are strong that things will work out.

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