My 8-year old son had a baseball tournament last Sunday. I was able to watch the first game, but I had to miss the rest of the day. As I was leaving the field I felt terribly guilty. First, I was missing his game. Second, I was leaving my wife to take care of our three young daughters. As I took the walk of shame to my car, I began wondering, “Is it o.k. to miss your child’s games and events?”
If you attend a youth event you will usually find parents intensely watching. It’s not only games, eager guardians attend practices too. Currently, there is an unspoken “peer pressure” to always be in attendance. I’ll be honest, I miss a lot of events.
I decided to write this article for anyone who has, or is, struggling with parental guilt. Call it self-justification if you’d like, but I believe it is o.k. to not always attend your child’s activities. In fact, I believe it contains many benefits.
It helps them understand the world does not revolve around them.
I was speaking with a father who told me his son wanted to play travel baseball. Travel baseball is a time and financial commitment. After much debate, the father allowed his son to play, but he explained to him that he and his mother would not be attending many games. The parents would support their son’s desire to play but it was not going to alter everyone’s life. Commitment was also important to this family; consequently, dad told the young man that they were going to keep the family vacation as scheduled and he would not be able to attend this year.
Reading this may sound extreme. I think it is brilliant. The parents allowed their son to make a choice. Life is full of difficult choices.
It’s good for kids to see that the world does not revolve around their events. Mom and dad have to work. Mom and dad, believe it our not, have activities they also enjoy. Their siblings have activities too. In some way, it helps the child understand that they are not the center of the universe.
They get to share the experience through their eyes.
I’m a coach. A lot of what I do is analyzing. Confession: I find myself analyzing and judging the play an 8-year old (I know, it’s pathetic). It is a hard habit to break. When watching my son play I often find myself in “coach mode” and guess who gets the brunt of my focus? You guessed it–my son. “Why didn’t you back up there?” “Always run hard.” “Do you think you could have knocked that ball down?”
When I miss a game one of my favorite things to do is ask my son about the experience. This past week, I asked him about his game. “B, made a great catch and we got a double play to end the game. It was awesome!”
What if I would have been at the game? Would I have focused on the success of his teammates and how fun it was? Or, would I have critiqued his mistakes? I think you know the answer.
Hearing your child share the experience through their eyes is priceless. Adults explain the game through a misguided lens. Sure, it is important the kids improve and learn “adult” lessons from time to time. But, it is a beautiful to listen to the child’s account of the game.
It helps you appreciate them more.
It is tough for me to attend events from February-June. I do, however, have the flexibility to make it from time to time. Over the years, I have learned that I watch the kids’ events in a much less heightened state during my busy time of year. In other words, when I am able to attend I watch with much more appreciation. It’s their activity; I get to enjoy watching them. Instead of observing to critique, I find myself in a state of amazement and gratitude.
What If:
Why are we so obsessed with attending all of our kid’s events? I can’t speak for everyone, but my guess is the majority of us worry that by not being present we will be causing harm. We worry that we are not being supportive of their hopes, dreams and passions. We need to keep up with all the other parents.
What if we are actually helping our children by not attending? What if they are becoming stronger, more independent, and learning to enjoy the activity? Is it possible that this guilt is completely unnecessary?
Final Thoughts:
There is nothing like the love of a parent. It is powerful. You want to do everything to ensure your children live a happy, a healthy and a meaningful life. This love and desire can lead to irrational thoughts and behaviors. This can lead to a false belief that missing an event somehow damages the child. I don’t believe this is the case. I talk to our kids when I am going to miss: “Daddy won’t be there, but I can’t wait to hear all about it.” Our kids are fine with this.
Of course, I don’t have the answers. Time will tell. I just know that I love my family dearly; even if I have to miss their performances from time to time.
My best to you this week,
Mike
I am helping coach an 8u fall baseball team. The game of baseball is important to me; however, the life-lessons sport can teach are even more meaningful. We’ve all either witnessed or heard horror stories of youth athletics. Instead of being a judge, I wanted to get involved. My friend is the head coach and I agreed to assist. Everything was going smoothly at first. Then we found ourselves in a situation.
The league our team plays in is “machine pitch.” Our boys have struggled at times adjusting to the machine. We were scrimmaging a team from another league that plays “coach pitch.” We agreed before the game that we would use the machine and they could have a coach pitch to their team. Well, like it often does, the game became competitive. We found ourselves down four runs. The other team’s fans were excited and our fans were encouraging our boys as well. The moment came where we had the thought, “what if we switched for the last few innings and let our boys hit off a coach instead of the machine?” We were the better team. Our egos (players, parents and coaches) were on the line.
This was one of those “in the moment” decisions. Fortunately for us, at the start of the season we sent out an email that clearly stated our coaching philosophy and objectives. Here is the full note:
Hi Everyone:
Thanks for allowing us to work with your sons this fall. I am helping Rolly with the organization and instruction of the team. We have a few goals for this fall:
1. Have Fun: You will notice that we will move the kids around. We want the boys to experience playing different positions. It is also enjoyable to be competitive. With that being said, we will attempt to play the kids in spots where they can be successful. Every game we will have the innings planned out. Winning is not our priority. We will stick to the plan regardless of the game situation. If you would like to see your son at a particular position, please let us know and we will do what we can to accommodate.
2. Encourage Good Sportsmanship: We will look for teachable moments. We expect the boys to hustle on and off the field. We want them to avoid showing outward displays of negative emotions. Also, we want them to be great teammates. We really think this will help them in many ways.
3. Learn Something: It’s been my experience with this age group that too many instructions can actually be damaging. We will look to give them lots of repetitions and allow them to learn and adapt.
Thanks again for participating this fall. Please feel free to contact me if you have questions or concerns.
Mike
Personal Philosophy:
One of my favorite podcast is “Finding Mastery: Conversations with Michael Gervais.” If you are interested in listening to rich conversations with leaders in business, education, leadership and sport I would highly recommend it. Recently, Gervais was a guest on another one of my favorite Podcast: “The School of Greatness” hosted by Lewis Howes. Gervais discussed the importance of having a personal philosophy. Please reflect for a moment, if you were asked, “Tell me what you are all about?” Or, “who are you,” would you be able to give a clear answer? Most people struggle with this; if you lack clarity you are not alone. So, why is it important to have a personal philosophy? Because, if we don’t know ourselves we cannot effectively lead and serve others.
According to Gervais, the key is to, “align our thoughts, words and actions.” Our personal philosophy is always evolving. Here are four tips, inspired by Gervais, to help you clarify your philosophy.
- Be Around Wise People: Proximity is power. Seek out a mentor who embodies the values and characteristics that you admire. On a personal note, this has been critical in my development. By approaching life with a “white belt mentality” I’ve attracted many different people, from all walks of life, that have made a significant impact. Who do I admire most? I gravitate to those who pursue excellence in their craft and they integrate their families into their profession. I admire people who are aware of their legacy, seek progress, and strive to make a positive difference.
- Write: My first “blog post” was in November of 2015; however, I have been writing regularly for nearly 15 years. Putting pen to paper has an amazing way of providing clarity. Challenge yourself this week: force yourself to write one paragraph on something important to you. If we can’t put our thoughts onto paper, we lack clarity.
- Listening-Mindfulness Practice: Gervais recommends creating the time and space to listen to our thoughts. Listening to the answer of “who am I” can take us on a challenging and rewarding journey. The idea of mindfulness is hard for me. Currently, I am exploring the art of meditation. I recently started a 10-day free trial on “Head Space.” If anyone has thoughts or suggestions on ways to assist in this journey, please let me know.
- Make a List: If you are having trouble getting started make a list of people who inspire you and write down the characteristics you admire most about them. Through this exercise, your values and objectives will become clear.
Leadership Thought:
How can we effectively lead others if we lack clarity in our personal philosophy? Once we get clear in who we are, then we can lead with conviction. Before you dismiss this week’s newsletter, please consider for a moment the most influential leaders in history. Most change agents, the one’s who have the greatest impact on society, are the ones who were crystal clear in their mission. They knew their life philosophy and were able to lead with confidence in times of adversity. We know that leadership is hard. We are faced with challenges and tough decisions daily. If we lack a philosophy life will push us around. Those who “know thyself” will have the strength to weather life’s storms.
Conclusion:
Despite of the external pressure, our coaching philosophy of fun, sportsmanship, and development allowed us to make a sound decision. We made the right call and stuck with the pitching machine. Our boys found a way to score four runs in the last inning and the game finished in a tie. Our philosophy empowered us to “stay above the line” when the situation wanted us to bend.
This week, let’s do the hard work. Most people never address their “baggage” and they pass their fears and insecurities onto to those they lead. Getting to know ourselves will allow us to lead authentically. It’s the edge we need. More importantly, it’s the edge our children, students, and colleagues deserve.
Make it a great week,
Mike
P.S. I would love to hear your personal philosophy. Please send me an email so we can share ideas.
Physically, Lenny didn’t belong in the same league with him. He was half Billy’s size and had a fraction of Billy’s promise- which is why the Mets hadn’t drafted him until the 13th round. Mentally, Lenny was superior, which was odd, considering Lenny wasn’t what you’d call a student of the game. Billy remembers sitting with Lenny in a Mets dugout watching the opposing pitcher warm-up. ‘Lenny says, “So who’s that big dumb ass out there on the hill?” And I say, “Lenny, you’re kidding me right? That’s Steve Carlton. He’s maybe the greatest left-hander in the history of the game.” Lenny says, Oh yea! I knew that!” He sits there for a minute and says, “So what’s he got?” And I say, “Lenny, come on. Steve Carlton. He’s got the heat and also maybe the nastiest slider ever.” And Lenny sits there for a while longer as if he’s taking that in. Finally, he just says, “Shit, I’ll stick him.” I’m sitting there thinking, that’s a magazine cover out there on the hill and all Lenny can think is that he’ll stick him.”- Excerpt from Moneyball
The Lenny Dykstra story in Moneyball is a classic example of mental skills trumping physical ability. Today’s article focuses on the importance of confidence and self-image. While I don’t have experience in pro baseball, I have seen the importance of a strong self-worth in the college game. When a collegiate athlete struggles, they often point to a lack of confidence. The story typically sounds like this, “For whatever reason, I can’t relax and play like I did in high school. I’m just not having fun.”
This is a common response to moving out of a comfort zone. It is important to first look at why they have such fond memories. In most cases, the athlete was one of, if not the best, players on the field. Their talent level was high enough that their mental game was never tested. Their back-up was likely younger and much weaker. If they failed, they knew that another opportunity was right around the corner. This allowed them to play free and easy.
When you enter college you are surrounded by other talented and competitive people. For the most part, everyone believes they are the best. Physical skills are no longer the difference makers. This is when you discover the importance of confidence and having a strong self-image.
Developing confidence and a positive self-image is a life-long quest. The athletes that we often use as examples (Tom Brady, Michael Jordan, and Derek Jeter) are outliers. It is possible that they were born with an extremely confident disposition. For the majority of us, creating this powerful trait takes time and practice.
A lot of people believe they will get better results if they just, “stop thinking and play.” While this may be true, demanding your mind to shut down is rarely effective. Plus, to play at the highest levels thinking is necessary. Another attempt to gain confidence is by perfecting mechanics: the swing, pitching motion, shot, route, or serve. While repetitions are critical, perfection is unattainable. This pursuit of the “perfect swing” is often a frustrating endeavor that won’t lead to real results.
The good news is we can create a positive self-image. Like any other desirable trait, building confidence is hard work and requires persistence. Here are three ways to improve self-image:
- Visualization- Everything happens twice in life, first in the mind then it will manifest itself in real life. Spend the time rehearsing exactly how you want to be in any situation. It is important to practice both positive and negative encounters. Visualizing provides a dress rehearsal that allows you to be in control and not at affect. Visualizing is a skill that takes practice. It is silly to think we can try it one or two times and be proficient.
- Positive Affirmations- “It’s the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen.” Muhammad Ali. Positive affirmations seem hokey to some. We often think it’s a gimmick like the old Saturday Night Live Character Stewart Smalley, “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And gosh darn it, people like me.” In actuality, we all need a reminder that we have the strength and skill to succeed. Most people rely on an outside source for affirmation. The challenge is to be a coach of ourselves and feed our mind with positive words of encouragement.
- Do the Work and Develop Competency- Self-Image is earned by putting in the work. It comes from working extremely hard and fighting the urge to take short-cuts. Every time the choice is made to take the easy way out we lessen the chance of being confident. We have to earn the right to possess a strong self-image.
While today’s article spoke a lot about baseball, a positive self-image is necessary in all of our life endeavors. Are you struggling with confidence at work or in your personal life? If so, you are not alone. Most of us, me included, have issues with our self-image. Instead of looking at confidence as something that cannot be controlled, we must DECIDE that we will take ownership. This week, I resolve to treat confidence as a skill that needs to be trained. I will visualize, use positive self-talk, and work hard to earn competency. Instead of having negative thoughts, I am choosing confidence. I won’t over think; instead, I will keep it simple like Lenny Dykstra and just “stick him.”
Make it a great week,
Mike
Congratulations! Your child is going to college and attempting to play a collegiate sport. What an exciting time. While there is cause for celebration, I wanted to let you know that challenging times are ahead. Playing a collegiate sport is hard. Being a parent of a child playing a collegiate sport can be even harder; if you let it. There are no shortages of stories of parents and coaches not getting along. It doesn’t have to be this way. In fact, in the vast majority of cases, both the coach and parent have the best interest of the young person in mind.
Today, I will provide some information and give a few tips. The collegiate game is completely different than travel sports. In many ways, parents are set up for failure. The rules have changed and no one has told them. My hope is to shed some light on what things will be like moving forward. Some things may resonate with you, while others will not. This is meant to help, and it is in no way meant to be demeaning. I know my limitations; I am not in a position to tell you how to parent. The thoughts below are from 20 years of being in collegiate athletics and observing both positive and negative parental experiences. I hope you enjoy.
1. “Release the Experience:” This is your child’s experience not yours. Remove “we” from your vocabulary: “we’ve worked hard to be in this situation.” Or, “we’ve had hitting/pitching lessons since he was ten.” This isn’t a shared experience. Understand that your experience will be in 2D while his will be in 3D. He is immersed in culture; as a parent, you can only observe and hear accounts of the events. That is not the same as being there every day; living and breathing it. Let them own it completely. All the success, strife, and failure are his.
What about if she is not getting along with the coach? Not getting along with people is part of life. Isn’t this a great time to say, “Figure it out.” Please don’t call a coach about playing time. This is not for the coach, it’s for her. It severely damages the relationship. Part of trust is being transparent; having conversations without her present is not fair to her.
Tip: Stay Busy- parents get in trouble when they become consumed with their son/daughter’s playing career. Pour yourself into a new personal challenge. Remind yourself that the best days are still in front of you and that the collegiate experience is your child’s; not yours.
2. Understand Your Limitations: You love your child. You’ve watched them grow and develop. You know their whole story; the obstacles they have faced and overcome. It is impossible for you to objectively evaluate them. Here’s the good part, you are not alone. I’ve seen long-time coaches who are fair and objective of other people’s kids be completely biased with their own child. Even people who do this for a living can’t separate the two! Parents get in trouble when they start trying to evaluate.
Tip: Refrain from the common response, “I know he’s my son, but I know he should be playing.” Remember, you are seeing things in 2D not 3D. Never speak negatively about another player. That is a bad look. Also, give yourself a break, you should be blinded by the love of your child.
3. Winning Matters: Collegiate sports are not about exposure they are about striving for excellence and winning. This is a paradigm shift for many. You won’t be able to ask the collegiate coach, “when will Johnny be throwing this weekend?” His playing time will be earned and dictated by the situation the game presents. At times, this will seem unfair. Fair or unfair, this is going to happen. The coach cannot make decisions trying to make everyone happy; that is a rabbit-hole they cannot go down. The focus is no longer on individual exposure; instead, it is on putting the team in the best position to win.
Tip: After a defeat, give the team some space. It is important to give the players and coaches time to decompress. Understand that a lot has gone into the event and emotions may be high. Send your child a message; plan to connect later instead of right outside of the dugout. Remember, winning matters at this level.
4. Support but Don’t Enable: Your child is entering a competitive environment. This environment will knock them out of their comfort zone. There will be moments of weakness where they will make excuses. There may be times when they want to quit; the desire to “tap out” is not uncommon. Derek Jeter, known for his mental toughness, called home every day crying his first-year in professional baseball. This challenge is overwhelming even to all-time greats! Living outside of the comfort zone is tough, but it is also where growth occurs.
Tip: This is a great opportunity for tough love. When they bring you a complaint just, say “Good.” (Jocko Podcast) “If it were easy everyone would be doing it.” “Did you expect this to be all roses?” “I love you, but this is the time where you display grit.” Resist the urge to try to fix the problem for them.
5. 10-80-10 Rule: I can promise you this, wherever your child attends school there will be really good players. Roughly 10% of players will find immediate success; their talent level will be noticeably higher than everyone else. They are easy to spot. Another 10% will be extremely far behind. They are equally as noticeable. The rest will fall into the “magnetic middle”; which is where 80% of the players reside. This means that the differences between the players in this category are extremely narrow. I don’t know how, but typically the cream will rise to the top. The people in this group who stand out are the ones who are consistent in their approach to school, athletics and life in general. Rewards for this group can be slow; the game doesn’t have an exact timetable. All I know is that the athletes who pay attention to the game will reap the benefits. It may not be exactly what they envisioned, but the game will reward them in various ways.
Tip: Play the percentages; there is a high probability that your child will be in the 80% category. Prepare yourself mentally; I cannot overstate how important this is. Your child’s journey will be full of valleys and peaks. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do to help. If it stays important to them, the chances are strong that things will work out.
The Gift of Humility
Merriam-Webster defines humility as, “freedom from pride or arrogance. The quality or state of being humble.”
The older I get the more I see humility not only as a virtue, but also as a competitive advantage in sports and life. Elite leaders, coaches, and educators all share this elusive trait. Sure, you can win and lack humility. However, the people I admire most, the ones who excel at work and in their personal life, all share the gift of being humble. Below are ten ways to display and use the gift of humility.
- Admit shortcomings: We cannot do it all, nor can we be great all the time. It is critical to free ourselves up and acknowledge that there will be times we will underperform. The transformational coach, Matt Deggs, says it best when he tells his team before every season, “Boys, sometimes you are just going to have to overcome the coaching.”
- Listen while others talk: Most people are in a race to demonstrate how much they know (for an example observe the posturing that often takes place on social media). Every interaction is an opportunity to learn. If we spend the whole time talking, we miss the opportunity to listen and gain valuable insight.
- Make time for others: I had the opportunity to take my son to the Pittsburgh Pirate game and be on the field for batting practice. While we were in awe watching Big League hitters effortlessly hit baseballs out of the yard, the most impressive performance was watching the Pirate Skipper, Clint Hurtle, connect with ushers and staff. “Thank you for all you do for us.” If he finds time, so can I.
- Ask for help: As we get older, and our level of responsibility increases, many of us struggle being vulnerable. We are afraid that by asking for assistance we will look weak. How silly. Why waste time faking it? Humility will save us time and money. Ask great questions and receive great answers.
- Delegate: Once we make the decision to delegate we must fully entrust in that person to do the job. I worked with hitters for 13 years in collegiate baseball prior to last season. Luckily, I found someone much better than me. I fired myself from that role and stepped away. I made the decision that I was no longer in charge and that I would abstain from meddling. This was easily one of my best professional decisions.
- Never be the smartest person in the room: It takes humility to surround yourself with powerful thinkers who will challenge and push. It is much easier to play it safe and always be the expert. The best leaders actively pursue people who are the best in their field. This humble nature allows them to build elite teams, and we all know a strong team will defeat an individual any day of the week.
- Root for your competitors: “Iron sharpens iron.” The best in the world see their competition as sparring partners not adversaries. We are striving together to be great; we cannot do it alone. It takes a great deal of maturity and confidence to cheer for the competition.
- Laugh at yourself: Mistakes are going to happen and we are going to look ridiculous at times. Having a sense of humor gives us the freedom to try and fail. Many people let their egos lead the way. It is much easier to sit on the side line and point out the shortcomings of others. I’d rather stumble and laugh then sit out and judge.
- Give others the credit: The elite coaches and leaders that I have studied are masters at taking the blame for mistakes and deflecting praise. Coaches, if we want to win the hearts of our players give them credit for the wins and accept responsibility for the losses. This is really hard to do if we allow our pride to get in the way.
- Apologize sincerely: When in a leadership position, we will be charged with making countless numbers of decisions every day. It is impossible to be right all the time. Saying, “I’m sorry, I resolve to do better in the future” goes a long way. People typically want to forgive. We have to possess the humility to acknowledge our wrong doings.
Can we win, hit our numbers, or get a promotion without humility? Absolutely. However, that type of achievement is fleeting and hollow. This week, I am going to make a conscious effort to manage my ego. I’m going to look for ways to be kind and help others, including my competitors, on their journey. If we play the long game, not the short game, our humility will be rewarded.
Stay Humble,
Mike