Strong Voice/Weak Voice: We Have a Choice

“When the student is ready the teacher will appear”


Recently, I was in pursuit of a theme/message to share with our team. The idea of positive self-talk appeared in multiple ways.  Here are three short examples:
Example 1: Novak Djokovic after his French Open victory over Rafael Nadal“There’s always two voices inside: There is one telling you that you can’t do it, that it’s done, it’s finished. That voice was pretty strong after the second set,” Djokovic said. So I felt that that was a time for me to actually vocalize the other voice and try to suppress the first one that was saying I can’t make it. I told myself I can do it. Encouraged myself. I strongly started to repeat that inside of my mind, tried to live it with my entire being.”
As fans, we often see legends as super human. Djokovic’s vulnerability showed us even the best have moments of doubt.


Example 2: Sue Enquist on the 1% Better PodcastCoach Enquist won 11 (that’s right, 11) national championships at UCLA. During the interview, Sue discussed the pressure her teams faced. If they didn’t win the national championship the outside world viewed them as failures. In this interview, Sue articulates how we all have two voices: strong voice (I think I can) and weak voice (I’m not worthy). Before we perform, it’s critical the last instructions, however, come from strong voice. (Note: This entire episode is incredible for anyone who has young athletes. The voice rift begins around the 46 minute mark).


Example 3: Jon Gordon on the Reinvention ProjectJon Gordon reaffirmed and expanded upon the idea of self-talk. Gordon says he’s learned to “talk to myself instead of listen to myself.” When working with professional athletes he reminds them that they don’t choose their negative thoughts; instead, these thoughts are part of being human. This frees the athlete from shaming themselves for experiencing weak thoughts. Gordon says we all should, “Speak truth and walk in the power and confidence.”


Action StepThis week, join me in accepting that we possess both a strong and a weak voice. First, let’s stop demeaning ourselves for having negative thoughts. Elite performers experience limiting thoughts and beliefs as well. Second, let’s choose to empower the strong voice. It’s important to remember before we execute the last voice must be powerful and confident. 


To put this into practice, be mindful during exercise where voices are often active. Pay attention to weak voice whispering, “this is awful. I should stop now.” Choose to confront those lies by replacing it with strong voice, “I’m a beast. Keep pushing. I got this.” 


Final Thought:

In the upcoming month, I have a few exciting but challenging opportunities. To be honest, I still struggle with imposter syndrome; I question whether I belong in certain spaces. I thought as I became older, these thoughts would diminish. They haven’t. I still get nervous and have moments of doubt. 

You are not alone if you experience shyness, nervousness, or fear. These emotions are natural. It’s ok. 

I refuse to let my weak voice rob me of opportunities. Repeat after me:

I’ve earned this.

I belong.

I add value.

I am worthy.

Mike
Below is a video following game one of our regional tournament. Listen to our sophomore pitcher describe how he leaned into his strong voice during a jam. (Go to the 3:30 mark) 

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Embrace all the Emotions

Our baseball season came to an end last week.  We lost the regional final game 2-0 to the #1 team in the country.  One win away from the College World Series….so close but so far away. 

It’s hard to describe the ending of a season.  You are going 1000 miles an hour and then it stops suddenly.  For months, everything else is put on pause.  There is no “work-life balance.”  All your energy is poured into the club.  You realize how everyone around you is affected.  You are aware of the sacrifice the coaches and support staff are making and how their families are impacted.  You do everything you can to keep the season going. 

And then, it’s over. 

You experience a wide-range of emotions.  There’s a sense of pride in accomplishing something special.  There’s sadness realizing the group will never be together again.  You get angry knowing a bounce here or there could have led to a different result.

For me, I struggle knowing I let people down.  So many people sacrificed, gave their all, and we failed to reach the goal.  It’s a lonely feeling. 

Please don’t feel bad.  It’s the gamut of emotions that makes coaching and leading special.   

Mike Gervais: “I Want All The Emotions.”

Dean Karnazes, extreme runner and author, was recently on the Mike Gervais Podcast.  Gervais mentioned that if you were to ask, “what do you want out of life” nine out of ten people would say, “I want to be happy and I want peace and happiness for others.”  Both men, however, completely disagreed with this desire.  Gervais said,  “Not a chance am I interested in that.  I want all the emotions.  I want to experience all of them.” 

A Paradigm Shift

Are you over pursuing happiness for yourself and loved ones?  Are you avoiding or protecting those you love from the other emotions that make the human experience special? 

It has become a common reaction to “feel so bad” for someone who is going through a tough time.  We lend an ear, create a social media post, and talk to our other friends about how we feel so bad for that person.  It’s all with good intentions.  We genuinely do feel bad.  What has happened, however, is a culture where we treat anything negative like it is a fatal event.  In actuality, experiencing a wide range of emotions is the beauty of being a human.

For the Sports Parents

As your child advances, they will experience negative emotions.  The more competitive the situation, the fuller the emotional spectrum becomes.  The likelihood of them experiencing happiness all the time is very slim. 

The natural response is to rush to make them happy again.  Before coming to the rescue, I recommend pausing. Is happiness what they need in this situation? Or, should you encourage them to embrace the other emotions that sports provide? I don’t pretend to know the answer; however, I do believe it is important to consider the scenario instead of defaulting to the easy choice. 

The times of frustration and sadness are where the growth opportunities reside.  It’s also what makes sports great!

Final Thought:

Would I love to be competing for a national championship this week?  Absolutely.  Would I rather experience the joy and happiness of a dogpile rather than consoling seniors who have played their last game? For sure. 

With that being said, I’m incredibly thankful to have a job that allows me to experience such powerful emotions…..all the emotions, not just happiness.  There’s something beautiful about laying it all on the line, even if you come up short.  If you’ve been in that space you know the feeling.

Join me this week in approaching life with gratitude- not just during the positive times, but in the negative moments as well. 

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Don’t Let Work Be Your Identity

I wanted to share two videos that that have impacted me greatly. Both short clips center around the idea that we can’t let what we do for a living be our identity. The first video is a heartwarming story about a nine year-old boy’s letter to Baltimore Orioles player, Chris Davis. Davis was marred in the worst slump in MLB history (0-54) when the boy wrote, “the way you play baseball has nothing to do with how good of a person you are.”  

The second video is from a press conference of the late transformational coach, Tony Robichaux. Coach Robichaux recently passed away. I’ve wanted to write about Coach for several weeks now but my words can’t do him justice. This presser was following a lopsided loss. Instead of focusing on the “embarrassment of losing,” Coach was more concerned the student athlete’s didn’t allow baseball to be their identity.   

This Week’s Challenge: Have you allowed your identity to be attached to your work? I know I am guilty of this. This week, I encourage you to work hard and pursue greatness in your field. However, I also encourage you to stay grounded and remember to not allow your identity to be defined by what you do. 

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A Healthy Relationship with Competition

I was fortunate to leave my previous job on a high. The rings and things that accompanied winning were awesome. But what I missed most in the years that followed was being a worthy opponent.  Please let me explain.

Our society often mistakes competition with a love for winning.  Do you love to win or hate to lose?  This thought process is unhealthy.  It’s primal.  Win I live; lose I die.  I win, you lose. 

This dysfunctional relationship is on display in youth sports. I believe striving to win is critical- even at a young age. However, I challenge the conventional approach.

 For example, when failure occurs how often do we hear something like this:
“We lost, but WOW those referees were bad.” Or, “Why did the coach have HER playing shortstop? If she plays the right lineup we win?”

These comments, and thousands of other similar phrases, emphasize the importance of winning and not competing.  And we wonder why kids pout and make excuses when they fall short. 

Get used to taking an L:
As a kid, I loved hoops. At a certain age, I became pretty good compared to my friend group.  A few streets over, there was a hoop where the older kids played. I started playing in those games. I’d take my lumps, go home and practice. Eventually, I was able to hang and found stronger runs at the downtown YMCA.  Rinse and repeat…at first I failed, I upskilled, then stretched myself in a more competitive environment.  

If it was all about winning, I would have stayed on my street. But chasing victory alone isn’t what competing is about. 

In 2019, the best team in major league baseball lost 59 games …59! High performance requires being in spaces with the best of the best.  If you’re not getting your butt kicked from time to time my guess is you’re not in a big enough arena.

If we only want to win it can be done.  Here’s how: never take a risk.  Never put ourselves out there.  But if we want to be high-performers, if we want to play chess with the best, we must get a better relationship with losing. 

Learn to love a good fight:
Growing up, my dad and pap loved boxing.  There were some legendary rivalries: Thomas “Hitman” Hearns and “Marvelous” Marvin Hagler and later “Irish” Mickey Ward and Arturo Gatti come to mind.  After 12-15 rounds of intense fighting, with blood and sweat dripping, they would hug following the battle.  It would drive my mom nuts. “How can they hug each other after that?” Dad would say, “There’s only two people in the world that know what went into that fight…those two.  We all watch but the training and sacrifice – only those two KNOW.” 

Can you imagine the love you’d have for the person who brought the absolute best out of you?  The respect and admiration for putting up a great fight?  That feeling of being alive!!

Those fighters didn’t win them all.  The results varied; however, their relentless competitive spirit was always on display.   

Competition > Winning:
We can win in a lot of ways. Cheating. Gaming the system. Poor competition. Having a major advantage in resources. The opposition isn’t at their best for whatever reason: injuries, suspensions, or other circumstances.  There’s luck involved: a good bounce, a call that goes in our favor, or a freak play.  Results are often fickle.

Competition is finding your edges, sacrificing deeply, and learning about yourself.  It’s a test.  A snapshot in time. It’s the willingness to lay it all on the line knowing damn well you might fail. It’s acknowledging fear and choosing to display courage anyway.

“I Hate to Lose”
I golf twice a year. If I am ticked when I get whipped is that because I hate to lose?  I say no.  That is pouting. That’s entitlement- expecting a result without the investment. 

It’s easy to rationalize a crap attitude with, “he hates to lose.”  That phrase needs unpacking.  What’s his training like?  What has he sacrificed? How’s his approach to daily life?  Has he earned the right to be mad?”

An “L” forces a true competitor to evaluate their process, their behaviors, their commitment level.  If there is strong disappointment, deep reflection will likely reveal the anger is actually directed toward their approach.  Their hatred is KNOWING they didn’t give it their all, not losing. 

Conclusion:
Competition is different than winning.  What I missed was that feeling of exhaustion; putting everything into a performance against someone else who did the same.  It’s really hard to explain if you never felt it, but it’s exhilarating.  This fall, watch two quarterbacks when they meet at midfield. Watch the hockey hand shake line after two teams beat the tar out of each other for seven games.  Watch the conclusion of an NBA series where the veteran winner embraces the young star who fell short. 

To me, that’s competition. 


Reflection Questions:

  1. How’s your relationship with competition?
  2. After a performance, do you debrief the event?
  3. In reflection, can you think of a competitor that brought the best out of you?
  4. If you take a loss, how do you handle it? Are you guilty of blaming external factors?
  5. If you’re an athlete, would you rather play on the field where all the scouts are attending or the field with no scouts but the best players in your division?  
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Recovery: A Major Key to High Performance

“The gap between your best and worst performances are narrower than everyone else’s” Damian Hughes defining high performance.

I used to admire talent. Incredibly smart people. Folks gifted with speed and jumping ability. Or those that were naturally strong. 

Now, I’ve come to view high performance as consistency. High Performance is the slow play; it’s long term. It’s the ability to show up for your love ones and colleagues day in and day out.   

Talent is overrated. The ability to be pretty darn good every day is what I value most.

I’m ashamed. I never thought much of sleep, nutrition, and self-care. I thought they were tools of excuse makers. Work hard, play hard was the motto.

Sacrifice and a relentless work ethic are prerequisites for high performance. Rarely will you witness a lazy and incompetent person in those spaces. With the arena filled with hard workers, the advantage lies in recovery. 

A big misconception is that recovery is simply rest. In the majority of cases, recovery is active. This is a process that is frequently challenging and uncomfortable.   

Lebron James’ Recovery
To help illustrate the rigor of recovery, Business Insider wrote a story documenting Lebron James’ 48 hours between NBA finals games in 2015. Here are some highlights:

  • Immediately following the game he drinks, “a carefully prepared combination of water and carbohydrate-rich recovery fluids.”
  • Next, he takes an ice bath which he describes as “borderline torture.”
  • On the flight: He continues drinking fluids.
  • He has a “carefully planned meal of high-quality protein and carbs to flush the toxins and lactic acid to jump start the healing process.”
  • Still on the plane he receives electro-stimulation to keep his muscles contracting. 
  • After landing at 6:30a, he heads home for sleep.
  • By 1pm he’s back at the training facility to ride the stationary bike and begin contrasting hot and cold baths.
  • He then heads back home and meets with his trainer and they do treatment, massage and rehab lasting four hours. 
  • Here is a link to the full article:   Lebron’s Recovery

Sure, Lebron has amazing genetic gifts. He is speed and power personified. However, his most amazing accomplishment has been his sustained excellence. To be a tip of the arrow performer in any profession, let alone the NBA, for nearly 20 years isn’t accomplished with genetics alone. I believe his commitment to the recovery process has been his ultimate ninja skill. 

This article isn’t about Lebron James. If you really want to nerd out, study a MLB pitcher’s recovery process following a start. Game day is easy, it’s the other four or five days in between outings where the magic occurs. The same discipline is found in any major sport. Everyone is working ridiculously hard; the competitive advantage is how effectively they recover. 

Dispelling Myths
It is easy to minimize the professional athletes example with: “I don’t have the money, time or resources to do that.” While there is merit to that rebuttal, I believe we all have the ability to be more intentional. It’s also possible to point to legendary athletes and executives of the past who abused their bodies and still achieved amazing success. The likes of Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle come to mind. For their immense talent, there’s little argument that both men would have been more consistent, over a longer time span, if they would have taken recovery more seriously. 

How Can We Apply Recovery?
I understand that the majority of people in this community are not elite athletes. However, recovery is critical in everyday life: 

  • You leave work exhausted: how do you recover for the next day?
  • A complex team assignment was completed: how do you recover so you are prepared for the next challenge?
  • You complete a hard workout: how do you recover to ensure you remain active instead of sedentary for the next several days?

Recovery For Parents
For Lowrie and I the moment we wake up it’s on! We have four kids to get ready for school. We both work. Then there is preparing meals, getting kids to activities, showers and bed. It is easy to get swept away in the hard work and fail to recover. We often feel selfish to work out, eat healthy, and sleep. Can you relate?

Parenting is a grind. Recovering allows us to bring our best self to each other, our kids, and others.

Conclusion
To live a high performance lifestyle we have to be different. That means not just focusing on hard work, but instead being intentional with recovery as well. 

Let’s narrow the gap between our best and worst self this week! 

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One Question That Builds Team Loyalty

Recently, I attended a workshop on Servant Leadership hosted by Paul Scanlon.  Besides being the best orator I’ve witnessed, Paul’s content was phenomenal. He took shots at nearly every profession represented in the room: bankers, politicians, educators and clergy members.  However, he walked the fine line of honesty and candor without making it personal. 

Paul was on the topic of building committed teams when he dropped the nugget of the night.  He asked, “how do you build loyalty within your team?” I was on the edge of my seat waiting for a long answer.  He responded with, “Ask someone, ‘How’s your momma doing’?” 

His statement sent me back nearly a decade ago when I was on a job interview.  Somehow the topic of my parents came up and I mentioned my father was deceased.  The interviewer sat back and with a welcoming smile said, “Tell me about your dad.”

Despite the job having many problems and clearly not a fit for me, I almost took the position.  Why? Because I felt a tremendous connection with the person interviewing. Her willingness to break the pattern of a typical interview, take a risk, and connect was powerful.

Our world is moving fast.  Automation, science and data have changed the landscape of nearly every business.  While information is being exchanged at warp speed it’s important to remember that humans need connection. 

I believe the organizations that can maintain the human touch will be ones that thrive in the years to come.  Sure, advancement in technology is important, but nothing can motivate, inspire, and create loyalty like a warm smile, a friendly pat on the back, or an inquisitive question. 

Paul challenged the audience, “lift your chin and realize there is a human on the other side.”  I challenge you to do the same this week. Let’s put the devices down and sit across from someone we care about and ask with genuine curiosity, “How’s your momma doing?” 

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In Times of Uncertainty Control the Controllable

 (This article was orginally posted on July 6, 2020)

What an interesting time!  There are high levels of fear, anxiety, distrust, and skepticism. People are worried about the future.

  • Are we going to face another shut down?
  • Will schools reopen in the fall? 
  • What will happen if I lose my job? 
  • Will professional sports ever be the same?

In the recent months, I’ve witnessed people obsessing about things they have little or no control over. I’ve been guilty of this.  While watching a 10u baseball game I was reminded of an important lesson: control the controllable.    

Lessons from the Sandlot:
There are several ways to describe the first year of kid pitch baseball- slow, agonizing, boring- to name a few.  What I’ve noticed is the extreme emotional output on the child who is pitching.  They are an emotional wreck!  Most of them don’t understand that several factors are outside of their control.. 

  • If the batter chooses to swing.
  • If the batter crushes a home run.
  • If the umpire calls the pitch a ball or strike.
  • If the fielder catches the baseball. 
  • If your coach, mom, or dad yells at you. 

At the 10u level, the vast majority of kids can’t comprehend this.  They feel like everything is their fault.  They don’t understand that an error was made behind them or that the umpire missed a call.  They just know there was a poor outcome, and they assume they are to blame.

Over the years, the pitcher eventually realizes that after releasing the pitch the outcome is largely out of his control.  This isn’t to avoid blame or criticism.  In fact, it’s just the opposite.  The result provides information to be analyzed and used for future decision making.  The advanced pitcher focuses on the process and avoids the emotional rollercoaster of letting results define their success. 

My son is ten and is going through this journey.  I’m not sure how much he understands but here’s what I encourage him to focus on. 

  • Play catch with someone a few days a week.
  • Be ready to field his position.
  • Back up bases.
  • Communicate and be a positive teammate.
  • After a play, understand the current situation and decide what needs to be done next.
  • Display the courage to keep trying.

That’s it.  Those are things he can control.  It’s a much simpler game.

Athletes frequently get lost in the future.  What bad things are going  to happen next?  How many runs are they going to score? How are my coaches/parents going to react? 

Those questions are common.  Those questions also let us know that uncertainty is winning.  Those questions lead to negative results. 

Sports Life Parallel:
The parallels between sports and life always amaze me.  In looking at my son’s list I thought, “That’s the blueprint for how I need to approach life right now.”

  • “Play catch”- Do the work.
  • “Field your position”- Add value.
  • “Back up bases”- Support others.
  • “Communicate and be a great teammate”- Focus on relationships.
  • “Analyze the play”- Be adaptable.
  • “Display courage”- Keep going. 

Conclusion:
“Why would I think about missing a shot that I haven’t taken”- Michael Jordan

We are in the midst of tough and challenging times.  In my lifetime, I have not experienced mass uncertainty like we are presently witnessing.  Like the great Jordan said, we can’t be worried about problems that haven’t arrived. 

This time demands that we focus on what we control.  That list is longer than we often acknowledge. 

As we charge on to the field following halftime of the year 2020, we are faced with an uncertain future.  People will resort to gossip and fighting on what they believe should be done.  Others will choose to spend time consuming an unhealthy amount of news increasing their worry and anxiety. 

Let’s not fall for these traps.  Let’s focus on relationships, health, growth, and happiness.  Let’s be mindful of the content we consume.  Let’s guard against people who want to bask in negativity.  Let’s adapt and persevere.  Let’s be quick to lend a helping hand. 

The world needs you right now,

Mike

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Move Toward Problems: Lessons from Seinfeld, Popovich and Formula 1 Racing

Recently, the universe has been attempting to get my attention. On three separate occasions I listened to experts in different fields discuss how they handle problems.  While most people avoid conflict, these people recommended running toward issues:

  • Comedian Jerry Seinfeld was on the Tim Ferris Podcast. During the conversation he mentioned how he never lets an issue fester. Instead, when he feels tension he immediately confronts. “I don’t like discourse and I am fearless in rooting it out and solving it. And if anyone is having a problem I’m going to walk right up to them and go, ‘Is there a problem? Let’s talk about this.’ Because I cannot stand this type of turmoil.” (Here’s a link to the entire thought provoking interview: Seinfeld/Ferris).
  • During a virtual professional development event, I heard Piers Thynee and Mark Mathieson of McClaren Group discuss the fast paced world of Formula 1 racing. Their team was charged with increasing ventilation production from 50 a week to 200 a day in response to the pandemic. Needless to say, inevitable obstacles appeared. They credited moving toward the problems, instead of hiding, as a key to their successful execution.
  • Current New Jersey Nets General Manager, Sean Marks, spent several years with the highly respected San Antonio Spurs. He noticed head coach Gregg Popovich was eager to engage in difficult conversations. “Pop would never shy away from a challenging conversation. He actually relished them.”

What can leaders do?

It is much easier to spot problems than it is to find solutions. Elite leaders ask themselves: “How can I improve the situation?” 

Most people hide from problems because they don’t want to disappoint someone they care about: parent, coach, boss, spouse, etc. The fear of letting others down is hard to handle.

What if we decided to create an environment that leaned into problems? What if we stated upfront: “there are going to be issues? Big issues. We expect and even welcome those challenges”

Would this approach empower others to move toward, instead of away, from issues?

It’s important to reflect on how we are reacting to bad news. When someone presents us with an issue, how do we respond? Huffing and puffing? Throwing our head on the desk? Or is it more subtle like bad body language, or a short cunning response?

Are we creating the psychological safety required for growth and improvement?

Man in the Mirror:

As the great artist Michael Jackson once said, “I’m starting with the man in the mirror.”

I’ve run from confrontation.

I’ve reacted poorly when others have brought inevitable issues my way.

I’ve avoided addressing credit card bills.

I’ve waited until tomorrow on tasks needed to be completed today.

I’m as guilty as anyone. 
Here’s the thing….avoiding only makes problems worse.

As we charge into a new year I plan on running toward issues and not avoiding them. I plan on creating an environment of trust, where problems and failures are expected and dealt with immediately. 

Within a short period of time I heard three powerful stories of successful people and organizations that embrace confrontation. 

Do you need to be more proactive in addressing issues in your personal life?

Can you inspire action in others by being empathetic when they face adversity? 

Happy New Year- Let’s run toward the challenges 2021 will present!

Mike 
P.S. I was a guest on Joe Ferraro’s terrific 1% Better Podcast this week. Here are two links:

Audio:

Video

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Victim or Thriver: We Always Have a Choice

(This article was originally released in June 2019)

“Call it both ways!” “Those referees are cheating us!” “You are the worst, Blue!”

How many times have you heard (or said) these phrases at a game? I get to see a lot of amateur sporting events and I am still amazed at the frequency of disparaging comments made at officials by fans, coaches and even players.  It’s appalling behavior simply because it’s no way to treat another person. There is, however, an underlying reason why I am so put off by these comments. The reason came to light after reading, “The Choice: Embrace the Possible,” by Dr. Edith Eva Eger.

Obviously, I love sports and the life lessons they teach.  Not all teaching is positive. If we are not aware of our actions and behaviors the results are damaging.  Frequently, comments are made about how a team “gets all the calls.” Or we’ll speak of an assumed advantage another organization possesses that makes them successful.  As fans or participants we rarely give credit for excellence. It has to be something external; something beyond our control. It can never be the opposition was simply better.

A Victim or Thriver:

“A good definition of being a victim is when you keep the focus outside of yourself, when you look outside yourself for someone to blame for your present circumstances, or to determine your purpose, fate or worth.” – Dr. Eger

If you play competitive sports I guarantee you will be victimized. Someone will do you wrong – an official will blow a call, a teammate will not pass you the ball, an opponent will perform an illegal act or your coach will not utilize your talent properly.  These things are not your fault; however, how you choose to respond to these events will determine whether you become a victim or a thriver.

A victim sees these circumstances as an injustice.  He develops a pessimistic mindset. He feels he has no control over the situation so he stops trying.  Instead of looking inward, the victim will look outside himself for the answer. The victim spends his time blaming and complaining which quickly turns to self-loathing.

A thriver, on the other hand, acknowledges that he has been wronged, but he takes responsibility for his hardship and healing. The thriver doesn’t place blame for the wrongdoing; instead, he begins the hard work necessary to move forward. The thriver moves toward the pain and understands it’s only temporary.  While the victims ask, “why me,” the thriver says, “what’s next.”

A Note to Parents:

Do we want our children to be victims or thrivers? I really believe we have the opportunity to shape their mindset in a positive way.

First, it starts with awareness.  We must realize that our words and actions are the foundation. Are we modeling behaviors like blaming the officials for our child’s lack of success?  Is it the coach’s fault? Are we inadvertently creating a victim?

Next, we have to understand that when our child is wronged, it is actually an OPPORTUNITY for them to grow.  The hardship they have been dealt can transform them to thrive; to be a person who overcomes obstacles, perseveres and develops grit. A football coach I highly respect told me parents should pray their kids are third string.  They’ll develop more life skills than the person that begins as a starter.

Lastly, we must fight the powerful urge to intervene and remove the obstacle.  Removal of our child’s pain point will feel good as a parent in the short-term. With enough work we can remove the bully from their group, get their coach fired, have their teacher reprimanded, get them on the all-star team. But are we really helping them?  Or are we actually developing a victim?

The Sports and Life Parallel:

Just like we will eventually be wronged in sports, in life, there will be times when we are victimized but that doesn’t mean we are victims. We’ll experience a bad boss; we’ll be passed over for a promotion; factors outside of our control will lead to suffering. Worse yet, illness to ourselves and love ones will eventually strike.  How we choose to respond to these events are within our control.

Dr. Eger writes, “suffering is inevitable and universal – how we respond to suffering differs.”   This week, I will be intentional with my words and actions with my children and those around me to instill values of choice.  I will choose to thrive and not be a victim.

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Conor McGregor, Coach K, and Confidence


Webinar Wednesday, January 6, 2021

Before we get into this week’s article I wanted to invite you to a webinar discussing my new on-line course: Creating Culture. Joe Ferraro host of the 1% Better Podcast will be joining me for a conversation on culture, change and high-performing organizations. Here is the link. I hope to see you there!

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Is there any better environment to test confidence than a UFC fight? 

Can you imagine standing outside of a dressing room waiting for the fight? Then walking down the aisle in front of thousands of live fans and millions watching on TV.  Waiting in the ring is a person highly trained in the art of doing physical damage. 

Did I mention you are doing this while wearing basically your underwear?   

You’d learn pretty quickly whether or not you were confident.  Don’t you think? 

Confidence is an amazing phenomenon.  Most will agree that to perform at a high level confidence is a must.  Recently, I went down a rabbit hole pondering this elusive trait. 

From the Dictionary

To help, I turned to the Merriam-Webster on-line dictionary. Confidence is “having or showing assurance and self-reliance; full of conviction.”  Needing more clarity I looked further into assurance, “freedom from self-doubt or uncertainty” and conviction, “a strong persuasion or belief.”

Get in the Arena

How does one become confident?  It’s important to understand we’ll never know our confidence level until we are in a high stakes environment: a big game, job interview, first date, a performance, standing over a four foot putt, speaking in public….a UFC fight.  It’s easy to believe we have assurance in times of comfort.  It’s when the pressure dials up where our conviction is tested. 

Can it be inherited? 

Earlier this month, I tuned into Duke Basketball’s press conference following their loss against Illinois.  Duke is a national power, but they experienced back-to-back losses.  Coach Krzyzewski’s team is young and struggling with confidence.  “This is a learned experience.  This is not inherited wealth. You have to earn that with a new group.” 

Coach K has made it clear that the past success of their program doesn’t create confidence for the present team.  Confidence is developed with hard work, struggle, perseverance, and ultimately triumph. 

The process cannot be cheated. 

Conor McGregor’s Walkout:

I showed our team this video of Connor McGregor walking into the ring.  Here were the observations:

“He’s calm but alert.”

“He’s using his body: chest is out and eyes forward.”

“He’s weird and unusual”- Joe Rogan

“He owns the ring when he climbs through the ropes.”

 “He’s won the fight in his mind.  There’s no doubt.”

To me, this is a 3:00 minute clip of what confidence looks like.  He’s walking into the ring against a highly skilled fighter.  He’s putting it all on the line.  He’s earned the right to believe. 

Three Confidence To Do’s:

Coach K taught us that confidence can’t be inherited.  So, here are a few things to consider to become confident:

  1. Do the Work: Nothing can replace ridiculous hard work.  There’s no way McGregor could enter the ring free of doubt if his training wasn’t thorough.  No amount of showmanship can deliver results.  The plan and process must be there.
  2. Do something Hard: We are in the middle of a pandemic.  There are constraints on just about anything we do. For some athletes, training facilities are closed or heavily restricted. It’s easy to throw in the towel. I believe this is an opportunity to do something hard.  Go run a hill.  Dribble in the snow.  Get up early.  Making sacrifices and doing things that make no sense to anyone but you is a pathway to confidence. 
  3. Do You: Rogan calls McGregor, “weird and unusual.”  How cool is that!  Being confident requires leaning into our authentic self.  Accepting and welcoming judgement and criticism are ways to combat being self-conscious.  Who cares what others think?

Final Thought

“You need to know you’ve done everything possible for this moment.  You will not quit on yourself.  You’ve been in difficult situations and overcame them.”- Forrest Griffin, UFC Vice President of Athlete Development, on what it takes to have confidence on fight night.

I’ll never be in a UFC bout; I doubt you will either.  We will, however, have moments where confidence is needed.

Reflect on what we know about confidence. It takes assurance- being absent of self-doubt.  It requires the conviction knowing you will get the job done.

Remember that confidence can’t be inherited. It takes work, sacrifice, and understanding that your self-worth will not be defined by an event.

What if the next time we ran a meeting, entered a classroom, made the sales pitch- we visualized standing outside of a dressing room. We imagined there was a crowd and our competition was fierce (you can be fully dressed for this exercise).

What if we decided to do everything in our power to make that event a success?

Would our preparation look different than usual? 

That’s how we gain confidence- through hard work, perseverance and being authentic.  Not some shortcut.   

Question for Coaches/Leaders?

How can you foster environments that breed confidence?

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