, , , , ,

Parental Guilt: How to Deal with the Guilt of Missing Events

My 8-year old son had a baseball tournament last Sunday.  I was able to watch the first game, but I had to miss the rest of the day.  As I was leaving the field I felt terribly guilty.  First, I was missing his game.  Second, I was leaving my wife to take care of our three young daughters.  As I took the walk of shame to my car, I began wondering, “Is it o.k. to miss your child’s games and events?”

If you attend a youth event you will usually find parents intensely watching.  It’s not only games, eager guardians attend practices too.  Currently, there is an unspoken “peer pressure” to always be in attendance.  I’ll be honest, I miss a lot of events.

I decided to write this article for anyone who has, or is, struggling with parental guilt.  Call it self-justification if you’d like, but I believe it is o.k. to not always attend your child’s activities.  In fact, I believe it contains many benefits.

It helps them understand the world does not revolve around them. 

I was speaking with a father who told me his son wanted to play travel baseball.  Travel baseball is a time and financial commitment.  After much debate, the father allowed his son to play, but he explained to him that he and his mother would not be attending many games. The parents would support their son’s desire to play but it was not going to alter everyone’s life.  Commitment was also important to this family; consequently, dad told the young man that they were going to keep the family vacation as scheduled and he would not be able to attend this year.

Reading this may sound extreme.  I think it is brilliant.  The parents allowed their son to make a choice.  Life is full of difficult choices.

It’s good for kids to see that the world does not revolve around their events.  Mom and dad have to work.  Mom and dad, believe it our not, have activities they also enjoy.  Their siblings have activities too. In some way, it helps the child understand that they are not the center of the universe.

They get to share the experience through their eyes.

I’m a coach.  A lot of what I do is analyzing.  Confession: I find myself analyzing and judging the play an 8-year old (I know, it’s pathetic).  It is a hard habit to break.  When watching my son play I often find myself in “coach mode” and guess who gets the brunt of my focus? You guessed it–my son.  “Why didn’t you back up there?”  “Always run hard.”  “Do you think you could have knocked that ball down?”

When I miss a game one of my favorite things to do is ask my son about the experience.  This past week, I asked him about his game.  “B, made a great catch and we got a double play to end the game.  It was awesome!”

What if I would have been at the game?  Would I have focused on the success of his teammates and how fun it was?  Or, would I have critiqued his mistakes?  I think you know the answer.

Hearing your child share the experience through their eyes is priceless.  Adults explain the game through a misguided lens.  Sure, it is important the kids improve and learn “adult” lessons from time to time.  But, it is a beautiful to listen to the child’s account of the game.

It helps you appreciate them more.

It is tough for me to attend events from February-June.  I do, however, have the flexibility to make it from time to time.  Over the years, I have learned that I watch the kids’ events in a much less heightened state during my busy time of year.  In other words, when I am able to attend I watch with much more appreciation.  It’s their activity; I get to enjoy watching them.  Instead of observing to critique, I find myself in a state of amazement and gratitude.

What If:

Why are we so obsessed with attending all of our kid’s events?  I can’t speak for everyone, but my guess is the majority of us worry that by not being present we will be causing harm.  We worry that we are not being supportive of their hopes, dreams and passions. We need to keep up with all the other parents.

What if we are actually helping our children by not attending?  What if they are becoming stronger, more independent, and learning to enjoy the activity?  Is it possible that this guilt is completely unnecessary?

Final Thoughts:

There is nothing like the love of a parent.  It is powerful.  You want to do everything to ensure your children live a happy, a healthy and a meaningful life.  This love and desire can lead to irrational thoughts and behaviors.  This can lead to a false belief that missing an event somehow damages the child. I don’t believe this is the case.  I talk to our kids when I am going to miss: “Daddy won’t be there, but I can’t wait to hear all about it.”  Our kids are fine with this.

Of course, I don’t have the answers.  Time will tell.  I just know that I love my family dearly; even if I have to miss their performances from time to time.

My best to you this week,

Mike

/0 Comments/by
, , , , ,

Speaking Greatness into Others

Recently, NBA TV showed a video montage of Steve Kerr interacting with his star player, Steph Curry.  In the clips, you see Coach Kerr discussing Curry’s value to the team despite his poor shooting statistics during the game.  “You’re doing great stuff out there.  The tempo is so different when you’re out there.  Everything you generate is so positive for us.” The clips also showed Kerr praising Curry’s courage to keep shooting despite poor results.  Steve Kerr was speaking greatness into his star-player.

Steve Kerr Speaking Greatness

It’s amazing, as a full-grown adult I can still vividly recall situations where people have spoken greatness into me.  Here are three examples:

  • As a teenager my father used to tell me that I was special and had much to share. He warned me that others will turn to drugs and alcohol for attention.  Dad explained that I was a “natural leader” and I didn’t need those things to stand out.  Instead of the typical threats and intimidation tactics many fathers use, my father chose to speak greatness.
  • I didn’t get to play a lot during my freshmen year in college. In addition, there were a lot of great players returning the next year.  In my exit interview the head coach, Don Schaly, spoke greatness.  He explained how impressed he was with my attitude and ability.  “I don’t know how, but the cream will rise to the top.  And, I believe in you.”  Enough said.  That vote of confidence was the impetus to spark my career.
  • Like many athletes, my identity was often tied to my performance. I did o.k. at school but I never flourished.  My senior year I took a Business Communication course with Dr. Mabry O’Donnell.  “O” was tough; she demanded your best effort.  After one speech I presented to the class she wrote on my evaluation, “Outstanding job.  You have the presence of a CEO.”  Wow!  This one comment breathed life into me. She spoke greatness into a student who really needed it.

How have you used your words recently?   The people that I mentioned have little, or no idea the positive impact they left on me.   Speaking greatness is rarely rehearsed; instead, it is a way of life.  If we choose to purposely live our life from a place of empathy and kindness our impact is organic.  If we can suppress our ego, we can become genuinely happy for others. We become a positive life force.

This week I will be more aware of my words and the impact they have on others.  I will look for opportunities to encourage and compliment others on their journey.  Please join me on the mission.

Make it a great week,

Mike

Update: 

My “One-Word” for 2018 is Presence.  This year I plan to be better at “being where my feet are.”  With that being said, the next four months are my peak season.  My writings will be less this time of year.  So many of you have “spoken greatness” to me on my writing and speaking pursuit.  Thank you all so much.

/2 Comments/by
, , , , ,

Competition: What the National Championship Taught me about Competing

Competere vs. Competition:

The Oxford Dictionary defines competition as: the activity or condition of striving to gain or win something by defeating or establishing superiority over others.  The synonyms are: rivalry, competitiveness, vying, contesting, opposition, contention, conflict, feuding, battling, fighting, struggling, strife, war.

This is the common understanding of competition: me against you.  I win. You lose.  Now more than ever we are obsessed with “getting what we deserve.”  We are in competition with everyone and everything.  Who has the better job? Better car? Better family? Nicer home? Smarter kids?  The list goes on and on.

The word compete comes from the Latin word competere: to seek together, from Latin com- + petere  to come together, agree, to go to.  Brett Ledbetter, founder of What Drives Winning, challenges us to look at competition as “striving together to improve.”

A Lesson From Jalen Hurts and Tua Tagovailoa:

Jalen Hurts entered last week’s National Championship game with a 25-2 career record.  His backup, Tua Tagovailoa, was the #1 ranked quarterback in the 2017 class.  At halftime, Alabama was struggling.  They trailed Georgia 13-0.  The Crimson Tide Head Coach, Nick Saban, made the bold decision to replace Hurts with the true freshmen Tagovailoa.  Tagovailoa did not disappoint, he led the Tide to a 26-23 thrilling overtime victory.

What I appreciated most was the interactions between Hurts and Tagovailoa.  These are two ELITE level athletes.  Hurts is a physical specimen, and a proven winner.  Tagovailoa appears to have the talent and mindset of a NFL quarterback.   Powerful egos usually accompany such strong skill sets.  After halftime, you saw the two men embrace several times.  Hurts, the mentor, there to assist the talented true freshmen every step of the way.  After the game Tagovailoa stated that Hurts was the one who, “lead the team to a National Championship.”

This is what high-level internal competition looks like- two people who are personally driven to help the group reach their mission.  It’s not about any one individual; instead, it is the team.

A Thought For Parents:

Basketball season is in full swing and the beginning of baseball is on the horizon.  Now is a great opportunity to help your child distinguish between the different definitions of competition.  We can become consumed with internal competition and a negative environment gets created.  “Are you going to start?” “Why is John getting more shots than you?”  This hurts your child’s relationships and ultimately their experience.

What if you approached things differently?  Instead of asking questions that focus on their specific role ask questions about the team.  “How is the team looking?”  “Are you working hard to ensure the team reaches their goals?”  Or, “have you helped anyone get better?”

I know this is difficult and not common.  From experience, I can tell you that the athletes that focus on helping the group have a much better experience than the ones who are solely focused on “getting theirs.”

Final Thought:

We cannot be afraid of competition.  Higher level sports and business are about striving to win.  We can’t shy away from that.  What we can do is form a healthy way of looking at competition.  Instead of hoping and wishing ill of others realize that your competitor’s growth is actually helping you.  As they improve so do you, and vice versa.

Two elite level athletes, Jalen Hurts and Tua Tagovailoa, gave us a great example of what internal competition is really all about.  As a result of the way they handled a tough situation both can be called National Champions.

Make it a great week,

Mike

 

 

 

 

/1 Comment/by
, , , ,

“Sudden Change”- Being Your Best Despite of the Circumstances

What a great time of year for sports fans.  Tonight, the BCS National Championship will be decided, the NFL playoffs are heating up, and both the NBA and college basketball seasons are in full swing.

I challenge you to watch for something very specific tonight (during the Alabama and Georgia game): “sudden change” defense.  Sudden change situations take place when a turnover occurs and the defense is asked, unexpectedly, to retake the field.  The situation usually looks something like this: the defense does their job and gets a big stop.  They come to the bench physically and mentally exhausted.  They are looking for a few minutes to recharge and recover.  Then, their team’s offense or special teams makes a turnover.  Resting and recovering is now out of the window; they have to go back out and respond.  Here’s how Mike Tomlin of the Pittsburgh Steelers describes it:

“It’s a mentality.  It’s not like the selection of plays or coverage or fronts that you choose from change, but it’s just the defense responding to the adversity that the game of football presents.  Often times on defense, you have no control over what conditions or circumstances with which you take the field.  You have all the control over how you get off the field.  So, more than anything, it’s those guys checking in with one another and agreeing to rise up and meet the adversity head-on and putting the fire out.”

You can almost guarantee mistakes will be made tonight and in virtually any contest.  Sometimes we think the great teams never “mess-up.”  They do.  I have noticed that elite teams do a better job responding to the adversity.

We often tell our athletes that anyone can be good when the conditions are perfect.  When the weather is just right, the crowd is on your side and you have your “A” game.  The mark of a competitor is how they perform when you have your “C” or “D” game.  That’s when you have to reach deep down inside and deliver.

Sudden change situations are not just isolated to sports.  Life can, and will, rock your world from time to time.  We’ve all dealt with unexpected situations.  Everything is going smoothly- then BOOM- we are knocked off our game.  We need to remind ourselves, that while often it feels like we have more challenges than anyone on the planet, we are not the only ones dealing with adversity.  It’s just our time to, “rise up and meet the adversity head-on and put the fire out.”

This week, I am going to focus on being better in “sudden change” situations.  I don’t want to only be good when things are perfect.  I want to be a person that can be counted on when challenges arise; when things are not going my way.

Make it a great week,

Mike

 

 

 

/0 Comments/by
, , , , , ,

Attempting to Define Happiness

In 2013 I read an article about the Pittsburgh Pirates manager, Clint Hurdle.  It wasn’t your typical sports column: it talked about Clint’s  daily inspirational messages, the love for his family, and his past struggles.  In the article, there was a quote from John Lennon that is displayed in the Pirate skipper’s office:

“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.” – John Lennon

Boom! The light bulb went off for me.  For years I had similar thoughts and feelings.  The Hurdle article and Lennon quote provided clarity: I wanted to be happy.

Misconceptions About Happiness:

When you talk about love or happiness people get uncomfortable.  They think these terms are “soft.”  Actually, it takes incredible toughness to pursue happiness.

I can’t tell you, or anyone for that matter, how to be happy.  It takes self-awareness and the courage to take a deep, sometimes painful, dive into yourself.

I do know that our society often paints a false picture of happiness.  In our country, status, wealth, celebrity, accumulation of possessions– things centered around the ego–are considered success.  We believe that being the star player, the CEO, the movie star will make us happy.  This is a big lie.

For me I had to identify things that I thought would make me happy but weren’t providing the return.

  1. Circumstances: Like most people I believed, “If I just made more money I would be happy.”  Or, “If I lived in a better climate things would be perfect.”  So many of us, me included, have the belief that circumstances dictate our happiness.  I’ve met a lot of people, who on the surface, have “everything” and they are miserable.  On the other hand, I’ve met people who have very little in terms of material things who exude joy.  Relying on circumstances to determine our mood is dangerous.
  2. Ease or Comfort: I believe the obstacles and challenges are what makes life great.  Personally, I am not my best in times of comfort. I feel most alive when I’m outside of my comfort zone; creating, trying, and failing.  Most people are pain adverse; we’ll go to great lengths to stay safe.  We’ll do the same thing for our children.  However, the strenuous life is were we find the greatest rewards.

Happiness:

As I mentioned earlier, happiness is a personal journey.  What makes one person happy will not make another one happy.  You must do the hard work to self-analyze and see what truly brings you joy.  Like you, I’m still on my personal discovery of self-mastery.  Here is a present list that brings me contentment.

  1. Pursuit of a worthy goal: “for success, like happiness, cannot be pursued, it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one’s dedication to a greater cause than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself”- Victor Frankl.  This is why I’m such an advocate for teams and team sports.  Sports provide the platform to lose yourself in the team.  There are great personal rewards in this.
  2. Being Healthy: Living good, eating and sleeping right.  Movement is incredibly important to my mental well-being.  When I am eating poorly and inactive my mental is off.  It is important to remember the power of moving the body.
  3. Displaying Courage.  There are many ways to show an act of courage; physical challenges, mental challenges or simply stepping out of your comfort zone.  I feel a rush when I step out on the edge and overcome fear.
  4. Growth: Continual improvement is critical.  If I become stagnant or complacent my mood sours.  Relaxing is not good for me; instead, I prefer the term recovery.  Recovery for me involves reading, writing and in-depth conversations.  Sitting idle doesn’t do it for me.
  5. Rhythm in Life: I love my job and I also love my family.  Both of these “loves” are time demanding.  It’s impossible to strike a balance.  There are times when I am “all in” with work and not as present with my wife and kids.  We are good with this.  There is a point, however, where it’s necessary to be “all in” at home.  If this rhythm is extremely interrupted, on either end, my happiness is compromised.
  6. Service to others: I find the old saying, “it’s better to give than receive” true.  I’ve lost count, but my “guestimation,” this is my 100th newsletter.  I am far from a natural writer; it takes me a long time to craft an article.  What keeps me going is the satisfaction in hearing from others how much they enjoy reading.  It’s my small way of giving back. It fills my bucket with joy.

Conclusion:

I hope in 2018 you continue your pursuit of true happiness.  You are the only one who knows what will make you happy.  Please be cautious of the ego-driven pursuit of things.  I’d recommend pursing experiences instead.

It’s funny how life works.  Roughly four years after reading the article about Clint Hurdle I know consider him a mentor and friend.  Hanging in my office now is the same John Lennon Quote about “Happiness.”

May your 2018 be full of challenges and fun,

Mike

P.S. To help you continue in your pursuit of self-awareness I highly recommend Victor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning.”

 

 

 

 

/1 Comment/by
, , , ,

“I’m So Happy For You:” A Lesson in Grace from Dabo Swinney

Friday night, defending National Champion and the current 2nd ranked Clemson Tigers lost 27-24 to the  Syracuse Orangemen.   Many people would call this a “devastating loss.” The likelihood of Clemson having the opportunity to defend their title is unlikely.  In addition, we must remember that major college football is a business.  The Clemson football program is valued at close to a billion dollars.  The pressure of winning every week, pleasing a fan base with unrealistic expectations, and dealing with administration has to be daunting for the Tigers Head Coach Dabo Swinney.  That is why his immediate reaction to the set-back was incredible.  First, during the post-game encounter with the Orange’s Dino Babers you could see him say, “I’m so happy for you.”  If that wasn’t enough, Dabo went into the Syracuse locker room and congratulated the Orange players.  We can learn a lot about the character of a person in high-leverage situations.  Coach Dabo answered the bell.

Dabo provided us with a great example of how to display class in a loss.  Many coaches and leaders, myself included, will be forced to analyze their behavior following a set-back.  With that being said, I’d like to explore deeper what it takes to be gracious in defeat.  In my opinion, this wasn’t an “in the moment” response by Coach Dabo; instead, this response was from years of internal work.  Anyone can muster up an “eyes down” congratulation handshake but genuine happiness is different. Here are a few things to consider.

  1. Maturity- Leadership Coach Rod Olson says, “immaturity at its core, is only thinking about yourself all the time.” Maturity would require just the opposite, thinking about others.  If we are so wrapped up in ourselves, it is impossible for us to appreciate the joy and happiness others are experiencing.  Dabo displayed amazing maturity by being able to recognize a special moment for a coaching colleague.  He was able to pause and reflect that Coach Babers and the Orange have been through a lot over the last several years.  That their win against Clemson was a accumulation of hard work, sacrifice, and set-backs.  Dabo had the maturity to think of others in that moment.
  2. Competition- Somewhere along the line we have been taught that competing requires an adversarial relationship.  It’s either I win, or I lose.  The Latin definition of competition is, “to strive together.”  Brett Ledbetter from, What Drives Winning, challenges us to view competition as a partnership.  Just like a boxer cannot get better without a great sparring partner, a team cannot reach their pinnacle without elite competition.  Clemson’s sparring partner, Syracuse won on Friday night.  Why wouldn’t you be happy for someone you have trained with over the years?
  3. Self-Worth- From everything I have read, Dabo is a person of faith.  He knows that wins and championships do not define his existence.  If you check the Clemson fan message boards, you can be sure that some fans are FURIOUS with Dabo.  “Did you see him hugging the other coach?” “He didn’t even care we lost.”  “Instead of congratulating the other team he should have been screaming at his team.”  Coach Swinney “gets it.”   He knows that a loss (or a win for that matter) is nothing more than an opportunity to learn.  Why make it more than it really is?
  4. Presence- In high-leverage moments it is easy to let your mind race.  “There goes the hopes of a title.”   “I let everyone down.”   “What will my boss think.”  “I’m going to get fired.”  Dabo could have let all his thoughts about the future impact his present decision making.  Instead of projecting into the future, he had the ability to stay present which allowed him to authentically enjoy the special moment for Coach Babers and the Orange.  As I write this, my guess is Dabo is now on to the next present moment task, whether that is having breakfast with his wife, breaking down film or connecting with an athlete.

Can you be better when things don’t go your way?  Can you be better in defeat?  Most people will see this as a lack of competitive spirit or toughness.  Let’s be better than that.  Dabo Swinney is the coach of a National Champion; his graciousness in defeat does not make him “less of a man” or less of a competitor.  It just means he’s a human who has an amazing ability to enjoy the success of others.  What a great gift.

Be Different,

Mike
/0 Comments/by
, , , , ,

Developing a Personal Philosophy: Four Steps to Create Clarity

I am helping coach an 8u fall baseball team.  The game of baseball is important to me; however, the life-lessons sport can teach are even more meaningful.  We’ve all either witnessed or heard horror stories of youth athletics. Instead of being a judge, I wanted to get involved.  My friend is the head coach and I agreed to assist.  Everything was going smoothly at first.  Then we found ourselves in a situation.

The league our team plays in is “machine pitch.”  Our boys have struggled at times adjusting to the machine.  We were scrimmaging a team from another league that plays “coach pitch.”  We agreed before the game that we would use the machine and they could have a coach pitch to their team.  Well, like it often does, the game became competitive.  We found ourselves down four runs.  The other team’s fans were excited and our fans were encouraging our boys as well.  The moment came where we had the thought, “what if we switched for the last few innings and let our boys hit off a coach instead of the machine?”  We were the better team.  Our egos (players, parents and coaches) were on the line.

This was one of those “in the moment” decisions.  Fortunately for us, at the start of the season we sent out an email that clearly stated our coaching philosophy and objectives.  Here is the full note:

Hi Everyone:
Thanks for allowing us to work with your sons this fall.  I am helping Rolly with the organization and instruction of the team.  We have a few goals for this fall:

1. Have Fun: You will notice that we will move the kids around.  We want the boys to experience playing different positions.  It is also enjoyable to be competitive.  With that being said, we will attempt to play the kids in spots where they can be successful.  Every game we will have the innings planned out.  Winning is not our priority.  We will stick to the plan regardless of the game situation.  If you would like to see your son at a particular position, please let us know and we will do what we can to accommodate.
2. Encourage Good Sportsmanship: We will look for teachable moments.  We expect the boys to hustle on and off the field.  We want them to avoid showing outward displays of negative emotions.  Also, we want them to be great teammates.  We really think this will help them in many ways.
3.  Learn Something: It’s been my experience with this age group that too many instructions can actually be damaging. We will look to give them lots of repetitions and allow them to learn and adapt.

Thanks again for participating this fall.  Please feel free to contact me if you have questions or concerns.

Mike

Personal Philosophy:
One of my favorite podcast is “Finding Mastery: Conversations with Michael Gervais.”  If you are interested in listening to rich conversations with leaders in business, education, leadership and sport I would highly recommend it.  Recently, Gervais was a guest on another one of my favorite Podcast: “The School of Greatness” hosted by Lewis Howes.  Gervais discussed the importance of having a personal philosophy.  Please reflect for a moment, if you were asked, “Tell me what you are all about?” Or, “who are you,” would you be able to give a clear answer?  Most people struggle with this; if you lack clarity you are not alone.  So, why is it important to have a personal philosophy? Because, if we don’t know ourselves we cannot effectively lead and serve others.

According to Gervais, the key is to, “align our thoughts, words and actions.”  Our personal philosophy is always evolving.  Here are four tips, inspired by Gervais, to help you clarify your philosophy.

  1.  Be Around Wise People: Proximity is power.  Seek out a mentor who embodies the values and characteristics that you admire.  On a personal note, this has been critical in my development.  By approaching life with a “white belt mentality” I’ve attracted many different people, from all walks of life, that have made a significant impact.  Who do I admire most?  I gravitate to those who pursue excellence in their craft and they integrate their families into their profession.  I admire people who are aware of their legacy, seek progress, and strive to make a positive difference.
  2. Write: My first “blog post” was in November of 2015; however, I have been writing regularly for nearly 15 years.  Putting pen to paper has an amazing way of providing clarity.  Challenge yourself this week: force yourself to write one paragraph on something important to you.  If we can’t put our thoughts onto paper, we lack clarity.
  3. Listening-Mindfulness Practice: Gervais recommends creating the time and space to listen to our thoughts.  Listening to the answer of “who am I” can take us on a challenging and rewarding journey.  The idea of mindfulness is hard for me.  Currently, I am exploring the art of meditation.  I recently started a 10-day free trial on “Head Space.”  If anyone has thoughts or suggestions on ways to assist in this journey, please let me know.
  4. Make a List: If you are having trouble getting started make a list of people who inspire you and write down the characteristics you admire most about them.  Through this exercise, your values and objectives will become clear.

Leadership Thought:
How can we effectively lead others if we lack clarity in our personal philosophy?  Once we get clear in who we are, then we can lead with conviction.  Before you dismiss this week’s newsletter, please consider for a moment the most influential leaders in history.  Most change agents, the one’s who have the greatest impact on society, are the ones who were crystal clear in their mission.  They knew their life philosophy and were able to lead with confidence in times of adversity.  We know that leadership is hard. We are faced with challenges and tough decisions daily.  If we lack a philosophy life will push us around.  Those who “know thyself” will have the strength to weather life’s storms.

Conclusion:
Despite of the external pressure, our coaching philosophy of fun, sportsmanship, and development allowed us to make a sound decision.  We made the right call and stuck with the pitching machine.  Our boys found a way to score four runs in the last inning and the game finished in a tie.  Our philosophy empowered us to “stay above the line” when the situation wanted us to bend.

This week, let’s do the hard work.  Most people never address their “baggage” and they pass their fears and insecurities onto to those they lead.  Getting to know ourselves will allow us to lead authentically.  It’s the edge we need.  More importantly, it’s the edge our children, students, and colleagues deserve.

Make it a great week,

Mike

P.S. I would love to hear your personal philosophy.  Please send me an email so we can share ideas.

/0 Comments/by
, , , ,

Developing a Strong Self-Image

Physically, Lenny didn’t belong in the same league with him.  He was half Billy’s size and had a fraction of Billy’s promise- which is why the Mets hadn’t drafted him until the 13th round.  Mentally, Lenny was superior, which was odd, considering Lenny wasn’t what you’d call a student of the game.  Billy remembers sitting with Lenny in a Mets dugout watching the opposing pitcher warm-up.  ‘Lenny says, “So who’s that big dumb ass out there on the hill?” And I say, “Lenny, you’re kidding me right? That’s Steve Carlton.  He’s maybe the greatest left-hander in the history of the game.”  Lenny says, Oh yea! I knew that!”  He sits there for a minute and says, “So what’s he got?” And I say, “Lenny, come on.  Steve Carlton.  He’s got the heat and also maybe the nastiest slider ever.” And Lenny sits there for a while longer as if he’s taking that in.  Finally, he just says, “Shit, I’ll stick him.”  I’m sitting there thinking, that’s a magazine cover out there on the hill and all Lenny can think is that he’ll stick him.”- Excerpt from Moneyball

The Lenny Dykstra story in Moneyball is a classic example of mental skills trumping physical ability.  Today’s article focuses on the importance of confidence and self-image.  While I don’t have experience in pro baseball, I have seen the importance of a strong self-worth in the college game.  When a collegiate athlete struggles, they often point to a lack of confidence.  The story typically sounds like this, “For whatever reason, I can’t relax and play like I did in high school.  I’m just not having fun.”

This is a common response to moving out of a comfort zone.  It is important to first look at why they have such fond memories.  In most cases, the athlete was one of, if not the best, players on the field.  Their talent level was high enough that their mental game was never tested. Their back-up was likely younger and much weaker.   If they failed, they knew that another opportunity was right around the corner.  This allowed them to play free and easy.

When you enter college you are surrounded by other talented and competitive people.  For the most part, everyone believes they are the best.  Physical skills are no longer the difference makers.  This is when you discover the importance of confidence and having a strong self-image.

Developing confidence and a positive self-image is a life-long quest.  The athletes that we often use as examples (Tom Brady, Michael Jordan, and Derek Jeter) are outliers.  It is possible that they were born with an extremely confident disposition.  For the majority of us, creating this powerful trait takes time and practice.

A lot of people believe they will get better results if they just, “stop thinking and play.”  While this may be true, demanding your mind to shut down is rarely effective.  Plus, to play at the highest levels thinking is necessary.  Another attempt to gain confidence is by perfecting mechanics: the swing, pitching motion, shot, route, or serve.  While repetitions are critical, perfection is unattainable.  This pursuit of the “perfect swing” is often a frustrating endeavor that won’t lead to real results.

The good news is we can create a positive self-image.  Like any other desirable trait, building confidence is hard work and requires persistence.  Here are three ways to improve self-image:

  1.  Visualization- Everything happens twice in life, first in the mind then it will manifest itself in real life.  Spend the time rehearsing exactly how you want to be in any situation.  It is important to practice both positive and negative encounters.  Visualizing provides a dress rehearsal that allows you to be in control and not at affect.  Visualizing is a skill that takes practice.  It is silly to think we can try it one or two times and be proficient.
  2. Positive Affirmations- “It’s the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief.  And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen.” Muhammad Ali.  Positive affirmations seem hokey to some.  We often think it’s a gimmick like the old Saturday Night Live Character Stewart Smalley, “I’m good enough.  I’m smart enough.  And gosh darn it, people like me.”  In actuality, we all need a reminder that we have the strength and skill to succeed.  Most people rely on an outside source for affirmation.  The challenge is to be a coach of ourselves and feed our mind with positive words of encouragement.
  3. Do the Work and Develop Competency- Self-Image is earned by putting in the work.  It comes from working extremely hard and fighting the urge to take short-cuts.  Every time the choice is made to take the easy way out we lessen the chance of being confident.  We have to earn the right to possess a strong self-image.

While today’s article spoke a lot about baseball, a positive self-image is necessary in all of our life endeavors.  Are you struggling with confidence at work or in your personal life?  If so, you are not alone.  Most of us, me included, have issues with our self-image.  Instead of looking at confidence as something that cannot be controlled, we must DECIDE that we will take ownership.  This week, I resolve to treat confidence as a skill that needs to be trained.  I will visualize, use positive self-talk, and work hard to earn competency.  Instead of having negative thoughts, I am choosing confidence.  I won’t over think; instead, I will keep it simple like Lenny Dykstra and just “stick him.”

Make it a great week,

Mike

/0 Comments/by
, , , , ,

Sport Parents: Five Things to Consider For The Parent of a Collegiate Athlete

Congratulations! Your child is going to college and attempting to play a collegiate sport.  What an exciting time.  While there is cause for celebration, I wanted to let you know that challenging times are ahead.  Playing a collegiate sport is hard.  Being a parent of a child playing a collegiate sport can be even harder; if you let it.  There are no shortages of stories of parents and coaches not getting along.  It doesn’t have to be this way.  In fact, in the vast majority of cases, both the coach and parent have the best interest of the young person in mind.

Today, I will provide some information and give a few tips. The collegiate game is completely different than travel sports.  In many ways, parents are set up for failure.  The rules have changed and no one has told them.  My hope is to shed some light on what things will be like moving forward.  Some things may resonate with you, while others will not.  This is meant to help, and it is in no way meant to be demeaning.  I know my limitations; I am not in a position to tell you how to parent.  The thoughts below are from 20 years of being in collegiate athletics and observing both positive and negative parental experiences.  I hope you enjoy.

1. “Release the Experience:” This is your child’s experience not yours. Remove “we” from your vocabulary: “we’ve worked hard to be in this situation.” Or, “we’ve had hitting/pitching lessons since he was ten.”  This isn’t a shared experience.  Understand that your experience will be in 2D while his will be in 3D.  He is immersed in culture; as a parent, you can only observe and hear accounts of the events.  That is not the same as being there every day; living and breathing it.   Let them own it completely.  All the success, strife, and failure are his.

What about if she is not getting along with the coach? Not getting along with people is part of life.  Isn’t this a great time to say, “Figure it out.” Please don’t call a coach about playing time.  This is not for the coach, it’s for her.  It severely damages the relationship.  Part of trust is being transparent; having conversations without her present is not fair to her.

Tip: Stay Busy- parents get in trouble when they become consumed with their son/daughter’s playing career.  Pour yourself into a new personal challenge.  Remind yourself that the best days are still in front of you and that the collegiate experience is your child’s; not yours.

2. Understand Your Limitations: You love your child.  You’ve watched them grow and develop.  You know their whole story; the obstacles they have faced and overcome.  It is impossible for you to objectively evaluate them.  Here’s the good part, you are not alone.  I’ve seen long-time coaches who are fair and objective of other people’s kids be completely biased with their own child.  Even people who do this for a living can’t separate the two!  Parents get in trouble when they start trying to evaluate.

Tip: Refrain from the common response, “I know he’s my son, but I know he should be playing.” Remember, you are seeing things in 2D not 3D.  Never speak negatively about another player.  That is a bad look.  Also, give yourself a break, you should be blinded by the love of your child.

3. Winning Matters: Collegiate sports are not about exposure they are about striving for excellence and winning.  This is a paradigm shift for many.  You won’t be able to ask the collegiate coach, “when will Johnny be throwing this weekend?”  His playing time will be earned and dictated by the situation the game presents.  At times, this will seem unfair. Fair or unfair, this is going to happen.  The coach cannot make decisions trying to make everyone happy; that is a rabbit-hole they cannot go down.  The focus is no longer on individual exposure; instead, it is on putting the team in the best position to win.

Tip: After a defeat, give the team some space. It is important to give the players and coaches time to decompress. Understand that a lot has gone into the event and emotions may be high. Send your child a message; plan to connect later instead of right outside of the dugout. Remember, winning matters at this level.

4. Support but Don’t Enable: Your child is entering a competitive environment.  This environment will knock them out of their comfort zone.  There will be moments of weakness where they will make excuses.  There may be times when they want to quit; the desire to “tap out” is not uncommon.  Derek Jeter, known for his mental toughness, called home every day crying his first-year in professional baseball.  This challenge is overwhelming even to all-time greats!  Living outside of the comfort zone is tough, but it is also where growth occurs.

Tip: This is a great opportunity for tough love. When they bring you a complaint just, say “Good.” (Jocko Podcast) “If it were easy everyone would be doing it.” “Did you expect this to be all roses?” “I love you, but this is the time where you display grit.”  Resist the urge to try to fix the problem for them.

5. 10-80-10 Rule: I can promise you this, wherever your child attends school there will be really good players.  Roughly 10% of players will find immediate success; their talent level will be noticeably higher than everyone else.  They are easy to spot.  Another 10% will be extremely far behind.  They are equally as noticeable.  The rest will fall into the “magnetic middle”; which is where 80% of the players reside.  This means that the differences between the players in this category are extremely narrow.  I don’t know how, but typically the cream will rise to the top.  The people in this group who stand out are the ones who are consistent in their approach to school, athletics and life in general.  Rewards for this group can be slow; the game doesn’t have an exact timetable.  All I know is that the athletes who pay attention to the game will reap the benefits.  It may not be exactly what they envisioned, but the game will reward them in various ways.

Tip: Play the percentages; there is a high probability that your child will be in the 80% category.  Prepare yourself mentally; I cannot overstate how important this is.  Your child’s journey will be full of valleys and peaks. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do to help.  If it stays important to them, the chances are strong that things will work out.

/0 Comments/by
, , ,

Side Hustles: A Unique Way to Pursue Your Passion

Side Hustles: A Unique Way To Pursue Your Passion

Today’s newsletter focuses on the idea of “Side hustles.” Here are three examples:

  •  While observing Xavier University’s baseball program this fall I was speaking to their volunteer assistant, Kyle Sprague.  He reported to the office between 9:00-9:30 a.m. most mornings.  This allowed him to drive Uber from 5:30am-8:30am during rush hour.  Following Xavier’s amazing season, Kyle is now a full-time assistant at the University of Cincinnati.
  • A great friend of mine, Chad Evans, was working for the Department of Defense in the accounting department.  During the evenings and weekends he and a friend began cutting grass; two years later his full-time job was costing them money.  He quit the job with the DOD and expanded the landscaping business.  Today, the company does over five million a year in revenue and has 43 full-time employees.
  • My mother wanted to get a full-time teaching job when my brother and I started school.  She worked as a substitute teacher and as a teller at the Meadows which, at that time, was a harness horse racing venue.  Eventually, mom landed a full-time teaching job but kept her hustle with the meadows.  She worked four to five shifts a week as a teller while being a teacher.  Crazy!

There are three buckets that side-hustles fall into:

  1. Entrepreneur: the entrepreneur has an idea and organizes the vision into a business.  In coaching, the entrepreneur would likely start with lessons, expand into clinics and eventually into a larger academy or school.  In my opinion, this is the most beneficial “hustle” because while earning money, there are secondary benefits created such as:
  • Sharpening Your Sword- With every lesson you are learning new ways to instruct and reach kids; this is easily transferable to your players.
  • Exposure for the program- If done properly, this is great marketing for the university or school.  It has the potential to pay dividends in recruiting.
  • Continual Learning- You will need to study and research what is going on in the industry. This knowledge base will help in many ways
  1. The Job: This is when you need extra income to keep you moving.  Examples could be: driving Uber, waiting tables, bartending, and delivering papers.  People looking for a job are oftentimes trying to pay the bills while they pursue their dreams.
  2. The Volunteer: This person likely has a very stable career or business; however, they still want to be involved in their passion.  I’ll give two quick examples:
  • Eric Shafer, a friend of mine who is a cardiovascular doctor, coaches a 13-year-old baseball team in the Chicago area.  He has three young girls, but he makes time to teach baseball and life to teenage boys.
  • My longtime friend and business partner, Chad Spence, is a successful attorney but still trains collegiate basketball players for free.

While both Eric and Chad are extremely generous, they will tell you that they get more benefit than those they serve.

As you can probably tell, I am a huge proponent of side-hustles.  For one thing, I truly believe we are not on this earth simply to exist.  I am at my best when I am creating and trying to add value to other’s lives.  I think this is true for most people.  I believe what happens frequently is we get so caught up in “making a living” that we lose that spark.  Yes, you have to provide for yourself and your family, but would it be possible to do something on the side that reignites your spirit?

The Challenge
What stops most people from pursuing something they love on the side? Time.  I get it, we are all very busy, but please don’t allow that to be your excuse. The one common thing, amongst all people, is the 86,400 seconds that we share in a day.  The most impressive and successful people I know maximize their 86,400 seconds.  Instead of complaining about the lack of time, they look for ways to be more efficient and effective.  One strategy that works for me is to replace “I don’t have time” with “I have other priorities.”  This simple shift in perspective empowers you to take control of your time and it gives you ownership of your decisions.  Want to be an outlier? Resolve to never complain about time or being “so busy.” Take control of your time and your life.

Is there something you’ve always wanted to pursue but for whatever reason you haven’t been able to start?  Is there a way that this week you could take one small step toward making it happen?  This week, take that step and I will as well.  Let’s be different.

Final Thoughts:
I know many people reading this are struggling in some capacity with their current life situation.  Maybe some of you are stuck in a dead end job but the money has you trapped.  Others, like many of my coaching friends, are wondering how long they can continue with the low-wages and lack of opportunities.  All I can say is I recognize and respect your situation.  Fight the urge to give in to the negative mindset that many people fall into after years of disappointment.  Today, I presented you with the idea of developing a side-hustle that can help get you on the right track. It’s not easy, nor will it be instant success and satisfaction.  I do believe, however, it can be an energizing force that can assist you in your journey.

Take control of your time this week,

Mike

P.S.
Could you please share with me how you are currently or previously using side-hustles in your life?  I would love to hear your story.

/0 Comments/by