Confidence Choke Points

I caught the ball on the right wing. I was one-on-one with the defender. It had been a rough game, but I had an opportunity in this moment. I jab stepped to left and made a move to the right. There was a clear lane to the basket; finally, I beat my man. As I elevated for the lay-up the defender recovered and effortlessly swatted the ball out of bounds. As I walked past him he patted me on the back as if to say, “I’m sorry man, but I had to do it.” 

Time expired and the tournament ended. It was after my sophomore year in high school; I was playing in the Keystone State games. To make the team was a pretty nice accomplishment. I was coming off a strong sophomore season, and I felt good about myself. Playing against teams from Philadelphia and Harrisburg, I met my match and then some. All of my opponents were bigger, faster and way more athletic. I was a good shooter, but I was shook in this environment. I wanted to hide; my competitive spirit was broken. I reached a confidence choke point. 

The phrase “confidence choke point” recently came into my vernacular. I was reading an article about Dr. Héctor Morales, the Director of Cultural Readiness and Peak Performance Coach for the Pittsburgh Pirates. This segment of the article blew me away.

“You don’t know when you’re going to hit your first confidence choke point. Everything is going swimmingly, you think it’s perfect, you are developing your skill, and then you show up to a particular location and realize that you’re not as good as you thought you were. The downfalls are exacerbated if your mental tools are not in check. You will regress in your competitiveness, you will regress in your ability to battle, and it’s going to take a little bit of time to come back.” 

Being a collegiate baseball coach for the past 17 years I often witness kids entering a confidence choke point. For some young men, this is the first time they’ve felt this experience. Here are some common choke points:

• High school tryouts at large schools. There’re 20 spots and 70 kids trying out.
• Post Graduate School
• 1^st Meeting with high-powered executives
• Presenting in front of other experts

When one hits a choke point the typical reaction is negative.

1. Fixed Mindset: Poor pitiful me (PPM) kicks in. “I’m just not good enough.” “There’s no way I can be as good as them.” 
2. Blaming Others: The choke point can’t be the individual’s fault. “The coach over-recruited.” “I don’t have the same resources as the others.” 
3. Poor Coping Strategies: A confidence choke is a blow to the ego. Many people will gravitate to ways to soothe the discomfort: alcohol, drugs, and negative relationships.

For some, a choke point is the impetus for growth. They use the painful experience to accelerate their future.

1. Growth Mindset: They see the situation as an opportunity to grow. “I’m not as good as them YET, but I know exactly what I need to do.”
2. Productive Coping Strategies: They learn positive self-talk, laughter, and develop routines to improve.
3. Develop a little “Throw Down:” The great competitor will stare this thing down. They will resolve to work harder and smarter to overcome the obstacle.

Thoughts For Parents:
If your son or daughter decides to pursue something with passion they will eventually meet their match. I don’t care how talented, they will encounter someone with equal or better skills. And, there will be an event where they face their choke point. Please know that choke points are awesome- it means they are nearing their edge. I believe our job as parents is to prepare them to bounce back from the setback. A couple things come to my mind. 

1. Being intentional about establishing a growth over a fixed mindset.
2. Showing love by making them understand their self-worth is still intact. 
3. Work to build resiliency: the ability to bend, adjust and bounce back. 
4. Be mindful not to give into your child excuses. Be in their corner but realize the long-term lesson will be ruined if you interfere with the process. 
5. Model resiliency. Do as I say and not as I do is ineffective. 

Back to the Hoops Story:
I wish I had a better ending. I didn’t handle my first choke point well. I gave myself the excuse that I couldn’t be as good as the more talented players. In the years that followed I was content knowing I would be a strong player locally but I would never be able to hang with the big dogs. I believed the set-back was permanent.

There’s one more interesting piece of information to this story: these games were played in July- smack dab in the middle of baseball season. I was in the midst of a 40-50 game summer baseball schedule. I may play hoops a couple times a week during that time of year; rarely did I train specific skills. 

What if I would have used experience to train harder? What if I would have realized that I wasn’t in basketball shape? What if I possessed a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset? The positive note is this experience did equip me to handle future choke points more effectively. 

Question for the week:
As a coach or parent, how do you plan on helping your student or child through a choke point?

Conclusion:
Have you encountered a choke point recently? If not, why haven’t you? We watch and evaluate the youth as they face tough situations but as adults we frequently avoid discomfort. 

In full transparency, I’ve recently found myself in rooms (virtual) where choking was an option.  I still battle an inferiority complex.  There are times where I don’t think I belong in certain conversations. While I may choke at times, I’m doing a better job of evaluating the situation in a non-judgmental way.  “If I could do that over, how would I have handled it.”

It’s only a failure if we don’t learn from it.  Choke points make us feel alive.  Let’s go out and get some this week. 

Mike

Last week I was fortunate to have a conversation on “The Good Stuff ” with Kevin Bille. I hope you enjoy.