Sports Parenting: How Can You Help Your Collegiate Athlete?

A few weeks ago I received a call from a friend.  His son is a first-year student-athlete in a competitive program.  From what I could gather, his son is struggling: he’s questioning his skills, the coach is demanding, and he’s not sure where he stacks up.  My friend is struggling as well; he wants to help. 

I asked him how often he talks with his son.  His response made me pause, “We talk everyday after practice.”  I followed up by asking (and not trying to sound too judgmental), “What do you talk about?”  He went on to tell me how they discuss: how practice went, how he performed, and what the coach said. 

My friend is great.  I like to think of him as a person who “gets it.”  However, this conversation left me concerned.   

The more I dive into sports parenting, the more I realize it’s not the malicious parent I’m worried about.  Very few parents fall into this category. Instead, it’s the parent (like my friend) who has the best intentions. They want to help.  They want their child to be happy.  They want them to have a great experience. 

Here are a few things to consider as you navigate your child’s collegiate athletics career. 

My Parents Got It Right:

Sports were a way of life in my family.  How I approached the game was a big deal.  My dad would come to games after work so there were usually two cars present. Put it this way, if I didn’t compete well I was jumping in my mom’s car.  She was much more tolerant than my dad. 

But something happened when I got to college: we rarely spoke about baseball.  When I would call home we’d talk about anything and everything but not my performance. 

What changed? I like to think my dad realized I was in an extremely competitive environment.  Critiquing daily results would do more harm than good.  He expected there would be highs and lows. He knew short-term results meant little; it would be based on consistency over time (can you imagine analyzing your retirement fund every day)?    

Most importantly, I believe my parents didn’t want my whole identity wrapped up in sports.  That’s a tough way to live. 

A Lesson From A Coach:

One of my closest friends is Jon Vanderwal, head basketball coach at Marietta College.  Over the last seven years only three teams have more wins at the Division III level.  They’ve won 82% of their games which is best amongst any program in DI, DII or DIII in the state of Ohio. 

You don’t have that type of success without having great internal competition.  In one of the first meetings every season, Coach V offers this advice.

“When your parents or friends ask if you are going to start, play or dress just say, ‘I’m working hard and getting better’.” 

Coach V believes that question can set-up unrealistic expectations which develops into bigger issues.  Kids will usually answer the question with what you want to hear.  “I’m killing it.  I was giving it to the guy who was the starter last year.” 

According to Coach V, and I agree, this leads to larger problems.  When the games begin and the athlete doesn’t get the role they want this question gets asked, “Why aren’t you playing more? You said you were crushing it in practice.”

This is a tough question for a young person to answer.  They’ll likely go into how the coach doesn’t like them or they aren’t being treated fairly. 

You can see how things can spiral from there. “Why doesn’t the coach like you?”  “You should be playing.”  The stories in the loved one’s head start becoming darker and darker. 

If you someone who is supporting a collegiate athlete, what can you do to avoid this? It’s simple. Don’t ask the question. 

Assessment Is Different Than You Think:

I learned this phrase last week at a leadership think tank event, “selection is an on-going assessment.”  It’s true.  One day, one performance, one interaction means very little.  The assessment is constant and includes way more than what people think. 

For example, how do most people assess a hitter’s performance in baseball?  Your likely answer is the results.  “I went 3-4.” Or, “I went 0-4 with 2 strikeouts.” 

From a coach’s standpoint, we are actually evaluating other things: the hard contact, the amount of pitches seen, the time from home to first, the production of the at-bat.  Not to mention, how was their approach to the game today? How did they show-up as a teammate? Are they coachable? 

The point is, what you may be obsessing upon (say a 3-4 performance) may not be that critical in the assessment process.  Numbers and statistics play out over time, not in a snapshot. 

Conclusion: 

I joked with my friend and told him he needs to have his son get a calling card and only call from a pay phone.  It would slow down the immediate feedback.  I think it would do him and his son good. 

All kidding aside, please consider moving to a support role as soon as you can.  Be intentional about the questions you ask knowing they can lead to future problems.  Realize your daughter or son is likely in a challenging environment and reflecting daily on the results is really hard for them to do. 

You are not alone, every parent I know wrestles with this.  You just can’t let your positive intentions lead to negative outcomes. 

When in doubt, tell your child you love them and can’t wait to see them soon!