Being a parent is hard. Being a parent of a child involved in sports is even harder. Please understand that this newsletter is not intended to be cynical. As a parent myself, I am acutely aware how the love for our children can make us irrational and crazy. I am concerned. There is an epidemic of parent involvement that is severely damaging the athletic experience for the youth and also driving good coaches out of the profession.
Negative Parent Behaviors
Let’s say your child finds himself in a role he does not like; maybe he isn’t starting or worse yet, he isn’t playing at all. He’s upset. He calls home nightly and says how he isn’t given a chance. One day, he calls and lets you know he got yelled at in practice. As the parent, your heart hurts. Your child is upset and you have been conditioned to believe you can change the situation. Below are five reactions you must avoid.
- “The Threat Maker.”This person is completely irrational.They will threaten to do several things: “I will kick your ____!” or “You wait; I will have you fired!” Nothing is off limits; they will attack the coach in front of family and friends. They are not above forming petitions, calling the principal or president of the university. In their mind, the coach has destroyed their son or daughter’s life and the coach will pay for it!
- “The Defense Attorney”- While not as irrational as the “Threat Maker”, the Attorney shares many of the same delusional qualities. This person has built their case for why their son should be starting or have a more prominent role. They’ve done the research and the coaching staff is clearly wrong in their decision making. If you need proof, they have the data to support their case. This case has likely consumed them; they have sacrificed time at home and at work laboring on this project.
- “Please don’t tell him I called”- This person has stewed over their daughter’s role for days/weeks/months. They have likely drafted many emails previously but their better judgment stopped them from hitting send. Finally, they believe, “enough is enough..I’m calling!” The conversation typically starts with small talk and then moves to, “please don’t tell Jimmy I called.He would kill me but…”What this person fails to realize is this conversation ruins the player/coach relationship. The parent has asked the coach to withhold information from the player which is a major violation of trust. Whether fair or not, the coach now sees the player in a different light.
- “The Mean Mugger”- This person is mad and her face is going to show it.It doesn’t matter what just happened the coach will know he’s angry. Maybe you just won a huge game or you clinched the league championship.T he coach and team are happy but this person will attempt to cast a cloud over the joyous situation.
- “The Gossip”- This person is constantly trying to spread rumors and drum up support from the other parents. “Did you hear she made them run for a half hour after the game yesterday?” Or, “Have you noticed how Coach only plays the guys he likes?” The Gossip can be harmless but the Gossip can also have malicious intent.
My Recommendations:
- Self-Reflect- why are you so upset? Is it because of your child or is this personal? Are you living vicariously through your child? Is this more about you than them? Most of the anger I see is typically because the parents’ ego is bruised more than the kids.
- Find an outlet- Find someone to talk to; don’t be afraid to vent. Coaches aren’t perfect for sure, talk to your spouse or friend about the situation. Get it all out there. However, resist the urge to let your child know your displeasure. This will create a “victim’s mentality” for the kid. You don’t want that.
- Take the pressure off- going into my sophomore year of college I wasn’t a starter. My parents told me they were making the trip to Florida for our team’s spring trip. I knew that trip stretched our family thin and I was nervous. I remember telling my dad that I probably wasn’t going to play.“Michael, do you think I care if YOU play? Your mom and I are going to be in Florida. We are going to watch baseball and have fun. Don’t worry about you playing.” Talk about freedom. This allowed me to be able to enjoy the team and not worry about pleasing my parents. What can you do to help free your child up?
- Keep it in perspective- Is this THAT bad? Is this going to matter five years from now? You have a healthy child who’s participating on a team. Encourage them to find a role, practice harder, help the coaches and explain how fortunate they are to be involved (even if you have to fake it).
- Encourage your child- I ended up being a 1st team all-conference outfielder my sophomore year. My junior year, with higher expectations, I struggled. Eventually I got pulled from the line-up. I can honestly say that my dad never criticized the coach nor did he bash me. He would just say, “keep working.You know you are a really good player.” He was basically saying, “You don’t deserve to be playing right now but go earn your way back out there.”
- Stay away- Are you around too much? Are you adding pressure? This is very tough for parents to hear but I believe our kids don’t need us to always be there (For proof, observe kids playing at recess). If you find your presence is making the situation worse don’t go to a few contests.Your kid will survive, I promise.
- Thank the coach- Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Your child isn’t having the experience you want and I am asking you to thank them. Be bigger than the situation. What an example to set for your child and those around you. Being appreciative when everything is perfect is easy; being appreciative when things aren’t going your way is elite.
My Advice to Coaches
Coaches we have a huge responsibility; we are coaching someone’s child. Think about that during your interactions. Sometimes we forget this. Also, I have witnessed and heard of coaches who are obnoxious with their children’s coaches. Talk about being hypocritical. Our job is to try to be the example in our communities. We should not take this responsibility lightly.
Coaches we have a huge responsibility; we are coaching someone’s child. Think about that during your interactions. Sometimes we forget this. Also, I have witnessed and heard of coaches who are obnoxious with their children’s coaches. Talk about being hypocritical. Our job is to try to be the example in our communities. We should not take this responsibility lightly.
My Advice to Parents
Parenting is incredibly difficult. As a father of four, please trust me that I understand. With that being said, we have to be better. The challenge is for you to set the example in your community or within your sports organization. Be different. Promise that you will support your child and their team in a positive manner. We have already lost too many great coaches to parental involvement. Please decide to be a part of the solution.
Final Thoughts
If you are a sports parent at some point your child will experience rejection. He/she may not get chosen for an all-star team, they may get cut from their high school team, or not have the role they desire in college. In the moment, this will feel catastrophic; however, it is not. When the rejection occurs you will think the coach has malicious intentions. I’m here to tell you that 99% of the time this isn’t the case. Typically, it is simply because they got beat out; nothing more, nothing less.
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